It feels a bit like ascending the stairs in the dark. You think you have another step, but then experience that swooping, bottoming out feeling when you realize you抮e already on the top floor. Hearing that his mind is on the same plane as mine is a happy surprise even if it抯 also a little jarring.
I slide my knee around to bracket his hips, cup his face in my hands. 揑抎 love to live with you guys,?I swipe along his beard with my thumbs. 揃ut, make sure you get Hazel抯 approval, first, okay??
He nods solemnly before he cups the back of my head and brings my lips to his.
The next morning I opt to ride with him to the airport after a small internal debate. I still feel like he needs something from me, like I need to ease his spirit somehow. It makes me wonder if I should act nonchalant about being separated from him, even if it抯 for two days. It should probably feel nonchalant, but I抳e never been great at belittling my happier feelings, only ever mastered reducing some of the sadder ones.
So, we ride to the airport in hushed conversation, taking turns kissing our clasped hands. And when pull up to the curb to drop him off, I focus on imagining the next time he抣l be on an airport curb, in L.A., when I get to pick up him with Hazel, our trio reunited.
揑n Vegas棓 bursts from him just before my lips make their way to his. 揑n Vegas. I tried to tell you. I know I was drunk, but it only let loose what was already there. When you said you wanted to be stupid with love, I tried to tell you how I felt. That you were the only person I抳e ever been stupid with.?
I search his expression, not sure what I抦 supposed to find. 揂nd I immediately tried to get in your pants, Meyer,?I laugh. 揑 thought I scared you off.?
His face crumples in confusion. 揥hen did you try to get in my pants??
揢h, when I immediately invited you back to my room??
揧ou said厰 He tilts his head to the side, trying to remember. 揧ou said we had an early morning and should get back to the room.?
揟hat was just my attempt at being smooth about it.?
揑 said I would walk you back.?
揥hich, one would do if one was going to go join the other in their room for some coital revelry.?
揊ee. I thought I scared you off by saying that. I thought I was just walking you back to be polite and say goodnight,?he replies.
And now I抦 laughing full-out. 揑 thought I scared you off when I had a mini meltdown. I thought I scared you off with my obvious panic! And then when you left I told myself I抎 misinterpreted the whole thing.?We抮e both laughing, eyes shining.
揑 guess we抮e both pretty stupid after all, huh??I say.
揘o. Becoming your friend was梚s梩he smartest thing I抳e ever done,?he says, laugh fading. 揑 got the tattoo because I wanted to remember that feeling that you gave me the first time I met you. When you burst inside and demanded to make a connection. I wanted to remember to not be afraid of that, anymore. Even if it doesn抰 look the same for everyone. Even if some people speak with their hands, some use a mic, or art, whatever. You did it with your friendship with us.?
揝o you don抰 regret it, then? I couldn抰 help but wonder, since you did put it in such a discreet area,?I laugh because if I don抰， I抣l cry.
揑 mean, I was drunk, but even in my state I knew if I showed up with something permanently inked on my skin to show you how I felt, it might feel a little manipulative,?he quirks a brow down at me.
揘ah. I liked it better how it played out anyway. Like double the reward.?
He nods, brushing against my nose with his. 揑 know.?His palm slips to the base of my throat, shifting into the sign against my chest as he smiles into my lips. 揑抣l see you in a few days.?
I kiss him like it抣l be a few years. Hold out my hand in the sign when he steps away from me.
33
NOW
揅ynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow.?- Stephen Colbert
FARLEY
Kara and Shauna distract me backstage by sharing some of their favorite pre-show routines. Shauna has symphony music blaring at full volume because she likes to imagine her favorite raunchy songs against their rhythms. We end up composing our own orchestra between the group using the lyrics from the classical My Neck, My Back over the musical stylings of La donna ?mobile. Even Clay joins in, though I抦 pretty sure he only lip syncs.
And even though I抦 aware that it抯 a distraction, it works. I don抰 think I抣l ever not be reduced to tears when I imagine the largest of security guards breaking out into an operatic soprano of 搕hen you roll your tongue from the back to the front,?for as long as I live.
By the time I make it out onto the stage, I抦 as happy and as confident as I typically am, even without Meyer. It抯 a little louder inside my head, my heart drums a bit more rapidly, but it抯 nothing I can抰 handle for the time being.
The material goes over without a hitch. It hits at every climax, the timing rolls through smoothly. I tell the joke where I call a kid a bad, bad name again because that抯 all it is; a joke. It抯 funny, this time.
When it抯 over, some people stand and clap, others hold up their drinks in salute. I feel connected and wonderful, and am reminded again that this is what I am meant to do, and I am not ashamed of any part of it.
I refuse to be, ever again.
As long as I remain true to myself, I know that my silly streams of words have the power to make someone抯 day brighter.
When I exit the stage, I抦 surrounded by six security guards, and I can抰 help but laugh when we make it onto the bus.
揗eyer抯 doing, I take it? I think maybe that was a little overkill,?I say to Clay.
揥ell, you make sure you tell Meyer that. I panicked at the last second and didn抰 know if four would be enough. The last thing I need is him calling me twenty-two times before every show and asking for every detail. I抳e had heartburn for 48 hours.?He pops an antacid for emphasis.
I pat him on the shoulder. 揇on抰 worry. He won抰 be as bad once he抯 here and sees it for himself,?I reply. His eyes round and he coughs. I feel Shauna and Kara抯 laughter die down and their eyes turn our way.
揥hat? I mean, I know he won抰 be at every show, but he抯 not crazy or anything. He knows what happened before was a weird, freak thing. I抣l make sure he doesn抰 drive you guys insane when he抯 gone.?I huff out a laugh that goes unreciprocated.
揑t抯 my understanding that he won抰 be at most of the shows, though, right Clay??Shauna asks, looking between Clay and I.
揥hat do you mean??I shake my head, lost.
揑 thought he would have talked to you by now,?Clay responds, and I feel my eyebrows shoot up.
揥hat are you talking about??They all look silently amongst each other.
It抯 Kara who speaks up, finally. 揊arley, Meyer withdrew from his management contract for the tour. He told us he wasn抰 planning on managing?at all, going forward.?
揌e appointed me as sole tour manager, and left a clause in there for you to be able to find your own should you want it,?Clay says, swiping at his forehead.
I sit at the same time that my phone rings.
I ignore it.
34
NOW
揗y life needs editing.?- Mort Sahl
MEYER
When I don抰 hear from Fee after the fifth call this morning or the tenth text, I know I fucked up. And I know she must抳e found out about the management contract. That抯 the only thing it could be.