I put on a brave face for Hazel, because I am excited and feel almost whole having her back with me, but?It抯 a bit like that time last summer when I set out super early, before anyone else was awake, in order to set our stuff up on the beach and reserve us a spot. I抎 thought I was doing something considerate梥mart, even. But I抎 forgotten that the tide was rolling in.
揑 thought Fee would be picking us up??Hazel asks when the Uber arrives.
揝he just had something come up. Don抰 worry, the bus gets back tonight,?I say after I load the luggage.
But she doesn抰 come by that night, and I outright lie to Hazel and say that it got delayed.
I feel sick.
Sicker when I go to my bathroom and find her toothbrush still at my sink. On my side, even though there are two. She抎 forgotten it in her panic the morning we sprinted to the airport, and we had to pull the tour bus over in a San Jose Target for her to get a new one.
She, Shauna, and Kara ended up spending three hours in there while the rest of us set up camp chairs in the parking lot and grilled hot dogs when we got hungry.
I know it抯 a low blow, but I have to try one more time, and come at it a new way.
I type out the text in Notes. Edit, delete, rewrite it five times before I finally settle on the words.
Me: Fee, I抦 sorry for not talking to you first. There抯 no excuse. But I hope you抣l let me explain myself, please. We promised that we wouldn抰 lose each other and that we wouldn抰 let this hurt Hazel. Please.
The three dots finally pop up and the lurch in my chest has me thinking that I need to make an appointment to have my blood pressure and cholesterol checked.
But then they disappear.
They don抰 come back up.
I pace around my house and find all the places that she抯 touched. Where she抯 already made it her home. I rub my at a spot on my chest when I think about how I asked her to live here, how happily shocked she抎 looked. How, barring a miracle, that won抰 be happening now.
I find my tie from the premier slung over one of the stools at the counter, wrap it around my fist like a tourniquet, the skin above it fading to a bloodless pale.
I end up lying down on the couch, eventually. The bed is still unmade in my room, and I can抰 bear to look at it. Each time that I do I see her through blurry eyes, woken by her kissing a path up my leg, swiping her sweet tongue over my tattoo. I think of her smiling over her shoulder at me after she slung a leg across my middle, planted her hands on my thighs and rode me in reverse, my thumbs pressing into the dimples on her back, the ends of her hair swaying against her waist with every grind and roll of her hips.
I look at the dirty pan still in the sink and don抰 want to wash it. I shred at my soul remembering her and Hazel decorating Easter eggs. Pasting Valentine抯 together for Hazel抯 class, signing made difficult by glue-covered fingers.
I let myself imagine the things I never dared to before, too, punishing myself with them.
Fee with a rounded belly and a smile, putting Hazel抯 hand in a spot to feel the baby kick. Hazel guiding her sister around the pool in a floatie, one of those ridiculous infant sun hats strapped to her head. I imagine us taking Hazel to Europe, maybe to see that play we never got to see. I imagine popping out of my office to ask for her thoughts on whatever it is I want to write, her opinions and feedback critical to me, always.
I slice at my mind梞y heart, over and over again until I exhaust myself with it, until my burning eyes finally close.
WHACK
I startle awake when Hazel slaps my arm. I blink the bright lights away. Hold up a hand to ask for a minute, sit up and manage to open one eye with a wince.
揊ee is here!?Hazel signs.
揥hat??I say out loud, turning toward the door.
揑 tried to call. I rang the doorbell, too, so when no one answered I let myself in,?Fee says. She won抰 even look at me.
揑 don抰棓 I start to say before I slip into sign. 揑 don抰 know where my phone is.?
揙kay. I thought I could take Hazel to breakfast??she replies, eyes barely darting my way, focused on Hazel抯 retreating form, instead.
I can practically see the tension vibrating through her when I slowly step her way. She looks at me, now, expression cool. 揑 want to talk, I do. I just want to focus on Hazel this morning, first, if that抯 okay? We抣l talk after??she says.
I manage a nod, and Hazel skips past me toward the door.
揧ou don抰 want to come??she looks at me quizzically.
揑抣l get everything caught up here. You guys go have fun.?
I do get everything done. Busy myself, my hands, my head with any menial task I can. I even make the bed, but don抰 wash the sheets.
When my girls return, the first thing Hazel does is tip her chin up at me in an angry scowl. The depth of discomfort I feel at this is irrational. If I were wearing boots I抎 be shaking in them.
揇id you have a good breakfast??I ask.
Hazel replies quickly. 揟he best ever. You really missed out.?The corner of Fee抯 mouth ticks up as she smoothes a hand over Hazel抯 head.
揑抦 going to my room and watching YouTube, don抰 try and stop me. I brought you leftover biscuits.?She tosses a box onto the counter unceremoniously before she stalks off to her room.
揑 take it you told her I抦 not your manager anymore, then??I say to Fee, and immediately wish I could take it back when she flinches.
揑 hope you don抰 blame me. I didn抰 know if you would,?she replies, making me wince in return. She folds her arms.
揊ee, I棓 I wait for her eyes. 揑抦 so sorry for not talking about this with you. I owed you that much, at least. I got scared.?
揙f hurting my pathetic feelings. I get it, Meyer. I really do. I was sitting there yammering on about being together on all these things, being so fucking dependent on you that you didn抰 want to be the bad guy and let me down, I get it.?She swipes angrily at a tear.
揟hat抯 not桭ee, you抮e not dependent on me.?
揙bviously, Meyer, I am. I mean, I even needed you to publicly be interested in me in order to secure this job, right??
揓esus, no, that抯 why I didn抰 even want to at first. Stop, please.?
揂nd then, when I go against your advice, it bites me in the ass. Or the face, more like.?
揂re you mad at me for not talking to you first, or are you mad that I made this decision, Fee??
揃oth!?
揥ell, can you let me explain to you where I抦 coming from, first, dammit??
Her nostrils flare. 揌ow long were you planning it, or I guess, more importantly, how long were you feeling this way? I want to know.?
揥hen they came to us in October and I agreed to the dating, I knew that I wouldn抰 be able to continue working together after.?
Her mouth falls open in shocked hurt. 揥hy didn抰 you? What? I would have never棓
揘ever what? Never told me your feelings for me? Gone on that way forever? You抎 have been fine like that??
揟hat抯 not棓
揑 thought I抎 have to pull back because I thought your feelings wouldn抰 be the same as mine, Fee. I thought that I抎 get a taste of what it would be like to be with you, that way, and then it would end and I抎 be even more ripped apart.?
揂nd now, what? You got a taste and want to pull back because you realize you feel less than me? Why did you ask me to live with you? Out of sympathy??
揋od dammit, Fee, no. Being with you makes me want more. Of everything. Of you, more than anything else, but also, out of my career. I want to do something that I love, again. It might not be stand-up, but there抯 something else for me, okay? I don抰 know what it is, but I know that if I want it to connect, I have to actually put myself into it again. Not just some writing here and there, I have to work at it.?