Her face softens at that, hands falling to her sides. 揙h.?
揑t doesn抰 excuse not talking to you. I just桰 wanted to find the right way. The right time. I don抰 know.?
She nods with a shrug, looking down at her feet.
揑 also厰 I swallow, mouth dry. 揑 also know that in the long run, working that closely together can抰 be good for a relationship. I want to be smart with us.?
She snorts. 揝o, we抮e back to being smart, huh??
揧ou know what I mean.?
揑t feels like厰 she looks up at the ceiling, trying to let tears drain back. 揑t feels like you抮e taking a step back. I know what the good, smart choice is, and I understand why you want to make it. I get that I should be happy that you want to do the right thing, and I know I should want that, too. But can I just admit that厰 she growls in frustration. 揘ever mind.?
揘o.?I reach for her hand and she slides it away from mine. I look down at it like it抯 been burned, until she takes it again. Such a small concession, and I could fucking weep with it. 揟ell me,?I plead.
揅an I just admit the wrong thing? That I know we抣l be okay, that I know that it抯 smart, but that it fucking sucks in the meantime, Meyer??Her floodgates open and I feel tears prick their way into my own eyes. 揑 moved here when I was nineteen, away from a dad who spent years telling me how wrong I was for everything. Who made this dream of mine seem shallow and stupid. I抎 already lost my person, you know? I抎 lost the one person who accepted and loved me for all the crazy, too.?She slides the heel of her palm across her face before she clutches her chest with it. 揂nd then I found you. And you just?volunteered to help me. You, who made comedy look easy, who always had some cutting remark, some brilliant, superior way of putting things. And you wanted to help me and my fart jokes and my foul mouth. It made me feel?right. Like, even if nothing big ever happened for me, I had the right to do it.?
I will myself not to look away, to take in every hiccuping, sobbing inhale she makes even though I think I might be dying. I fold my free arm around my middle like I can physically hold myself together. This is so much more, so much worse than I imagined. I thought about finding that fucking woman who threw hot coffee on her, thought awful things. Now I wonder if I抣l want to toss a vat of acid on myself when I look in the mirror. I cannot stand that I抳e made her cry. I抣l make it up to her, forever, somehow.
揃ut Meyer, I love you. I can抰 fucking help it. I wish I had the ability to be smart or conservative with my heart, but I don抰。 I just don抰。 I get?I get why you don抰 want to be my manager anymore, and I抣l eventually be okay with it. We抣l be okay. I have to do this stuff because I want to do it and not just because it feels safe or justified when I have you at my side. But I don抰 think we should move in together, yet. And I抦 still going to mourn the loss of what I抎 already built up and pictured, okay??
I look at the spots on my arms that are wet. 揑 can?I抣l support you, however I can. I won抰 push you to move in if you want to take that back right now.?
揑抦 only trying to stay on even footing, Meyer. Maybe?maybe it抯 petty of me, maybe I only want to take that back because you took something away, too. I don抰 really even know. But it抯 how I feel.?
I nod, feeling like I might splinter bone from grinding my jaw so hard. 揑抦 sorry for hurting you, Fee. I should have?I mean, I would?You know that if you want me to I will stay on. I only thought I was doing the right thing.?
She laughs darkly. 揙h yeah, that would be great for us, at this point. You staying on and sacrificing yourself just to spare my feelings.?She wipes her nose on her sleeve. 揘o, that is not what I want. I want everything for you too. You deserve everything, Meyer. Of course I抦 sad that that doesn抰 include some of what I pictured for us together, but I抎 rather your honesty than your sympathy, always. And I would love to support every single dream you have. I want you to share that with me,?she offers me a sad smile, her eyes bright gold and puffy.
揚lease,?my voice cracks. 揚lease let me hold you??
She nods, and we hold each other there by my front door for awhile, rocking, rubbing circles on each other抯 backs.
When she leaves, she lets me kiss her goodbye, but doesn抰 let it linger.
I know my job is far from over with Fee, but I have some more explaining to do with Hazel, too.
I walk into her room, and she immediately turns off the mute on the TV so that I jump at the glaring volume on some weird, eye-twitch-inducing YouTube show. I give her a stern look and she mutes it again. Give her another look and she turns it off.
揥hy don抰 you want to manage Fee, anymore? Why does she look so sad??
I sigh and sit at the foot of her bed. I wish someone would write a parenting book on how to explain this kind of shit. Something full of perfect analogies and comparisons.
Reducing being with Fee to some kind of food over-indulgence or activity feels cheap. I can抰 seem to scrounge up any applicable comparisons in the corners of my brain, so I default to the truth, without over explaining, and hope she understands it.
揃ecause, Haze. I love her. I want her to live with us, and be a family with us, more than she already is. I want that for a long time. And sometimes, when you want something to last, and want something to still feel special, you have to let it be its own thing. You have to protect it, not stretch it and force it into too many other things. It might seem like I care less, but really it抯 because I care more.?
She blinks, considering me. 揑 don抰 think she knows, though. I don抰 think you抳e shown her enough. Fee is the one who comes to us all the time, who does all our life stuff with us. She抯 the one who makes things fun. She makes me try new things, and you too. So if you don抰 help her with her work anymore, you抮e going to have to show her in other ways, Dad. What they lack knowing, we make up for in showing.?
I squint. 揥hat was that??
揑t抯 what Fee and I say before dance. What I don抰 hear, I feel. What they lack knowing, I make up for in showing. You have to do your best to show her, and if she doesn抰 get it still, then that抯 her problem. But you have to do your best to show her.?
I blink. Astonished at the emotional intelligence of a ten year old girl. I wonder if adults were to get more of their advice from kids, if we抎 fuck things up as much as we do. Somehow I think we抎 simplify a lot.
I shake her hand in agreement.
35
ONE MONTH LATER
揕aughter is the closest distance between two people.?- Victor Borge
FARLEY
Marissa pulls into the parking garage after we give the guy manning the gate our appropriate paperwork. I didn抰 want to make a big deal out of arriving to this venue for our first official show on the Wet N Mild Tour, since it抯 here in L.A. anyway.
揧ou sure you don抰 want to just have him come, Fee??Miss asks for what feels like the hundredth time.
揑抦 sure, Marissa,?I laugh.
Meyer and I are good. Every day we get a little closer to great, as the sting of his decision dulls with time. Do I wish he抎 have included me in making it? Yes. But, he continues to be my hammock, my support, and I抳e always had to come upon and fight for my confidence on my own. It should never have been his responsibility, even if he played a role in me finding it in the first place.
I stay with him more nights than I don抰， even though we haven抰 moved forward with the living together thing, officially.
I stay because he and Hazel feel like home. Between their quiet bantering hands, the way they both twirl a finger around in their hair while they read, to our soft weeknights snuggled up on the couch, and our bright day trips on the weekends. It feels like we抮e living the life we already built together, with new discoveries along the way.