She eyes me suspiciously, chewing, before her face breaks into a huge smile.
She extends a hand for me to shake. 揑抳e got a funny feeling this is the start of something great.?
NOW
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.?- Lily Tomlin
FARLEY
揂 beer,?I announce in a panic to the waiter.
揂 beer, Jones? You抳e never ordered a beer in your life,?Meyer says, exasperated.
I抦 so worked up that I can抰 seem to think of any other drink in existence, though.
揗iss, what kind of beer??the waiter asks, patiently.
揙h. Alcoholic, please.?
揓esus, please excuse her. She抣l take whatever sugary lemon drop thing you serve,?Meyer says. The waiter nods and scurries away. I grimace when Meyer squints at me.
揧ou mind telling me what抯 got you so spooked? I抣l remind you that the last time you drank some of my beer you said it tasted like something that was fermented inside of a belly button,?he says with thinly veiled worry.
揂lright.?I sigh. 揑 guess it抯 only fair to prepare you before Kara and Clay get here.?I take a few breaths and spot our waiter returning with our drinks. 揙h, good. One sec.?
Mine hits the table, and I promptly toss it back.
When I reach for Meyer抯 beer next, he lays his palm over mine, gently flattening it to the table to stop me.
揓ones, whatever it is, it抯 okay. If they抮e offering you something that requires you leaving?me卭r whatever, and you want to take it?Don抰 feel bad about it. Whatever it is, I promise you, I抣l support it.?
He doesn抰 meet my eyes, though. Just keeps his gaze fixed on our hands.
揟hey want us to date,?I blurt, and now his eyes snap up to mine. The band that keeps his expression tightly wound appears to have snapped, his eyes wide and searching.
揊or PR. Kara wants me to go on tour and open for her and Shauna Cooper, but they want us to beef up some publicity beforehand. Kara has SNL, and Shauna is dating the sports ball guy.?
揟he three-time Super Bowl champion, Fee.?
揧ep, that one.?
My breathing becomes audible, and Meyer seems to suddenly realize that his hand still lays over mine, a moment before he snaps it back.
揥hy would they think that anyone would be interested in us? We抮e already together all the time,?he asks.
揥ell, I gather that it抯 you who抯 the real allure. Just like when we got all those comments on Instagram from people assuming you were writing my jokes,?I say and his face pinches, remembering. 揃efore I took the one picture of the two of us down, of course. And I imagine that curiosity will grow when they announce the tour and their opener. Your name attached to mine?publicly?will be good, and I guess they want to play off that. I桰 don抰 really know how it will all play out, Meyer, honestly. Kara barely told me the idea before she asked us to meet here.?
揝he doesn抰 think I抦 too old for you??he sneers, his lip curling. It抯 a gut-punch.
揟en years is hardly scandalous, Meyer.?Maybe he thinks I act too young for him.
His only response is a snort. His expression grows furious.
揧ou don抰 have to do this,?I whisper.
His frown only grows in intensity. 揘either do you, Fee.?
I want to curl in on myself, noting the apparent disgust on his face. He is disgusted that I would ask him to do this with me.
揊ee. You don抰 have to do this because your talent speaks for itself. It should be enough. I抦 fucking pissed that anyone would insinuate otherwise.?
Oh.
Kara and Clay arrive then, sliding into the booth with the smooth confidence that comes with knowing you抮e expected, knowing you抮e important. The waiter immediately pops over and takes their drink order. He sure is quick and attentive, I observe. And then, over his shoulder, I notice two other waiters hovering by the bar, one of them raising his phone to snap a picture of us.
揝o, did Farley give you an overview on what I presented her with??Kara asks Meyer, before she takes off her bright red frames and begins cleaning them on her Biggie Smalls t-shirt.
揝he did,?he says, jaw rolling.
揂nd??she asks.
揂nd I think it sounds like pandering bullshit. We both know she is good and that you want her. She doesn抰 need to do this. And frankly, I think it抯 beneath you to even ask her to.?
I jerk back at the deadly tone he抯 taken. While I can appreciate the protectiveness and the strong moral stance he抯 taking, I reject the judgment implied. If it helps us achieve the hype we undoubtedly deserve, then who is he to judge us?
I have my reasons for my initial hesitation, but half the battle in this field is getting your name out there, gaining a following. And unfortunately, women still have extra hills to climb when it comes to stand-up. He抯 a man. How dare he hold me to some arbitrary code when he抯 got no clue?
Publicity stunts, as a rule, aren抰 limited to women, either. I may not have been privy to the fact that these stunts might include pairing up for show, but I do know that, at least. Plenty of men do it without catching an ounce of flack for it. It抯 business.
揥ho are the other options you抮e considering for me??I ask, before Kara can respond, or leave.
She turns her glare away from Meyer at the same time I feel his turn on me. 揟here are plenty. In fact, there are three I confirmed on the way here that would be up for it, so I抦 willing to leave that up to you. There are two of Tyson抯 teammates who could use a bit of PR to help secure some brand deals and such. The comedian angle is enticing, though, and I happen to know that Declan Crowe is looking for some positive attention.?
Meyer shakes his head. 揧ou mean folks don抰 respond positively to heroin and slapping around your girlfriend??he seethes.
揂llegedly,?Clay corrects.
揑抣l do it. One of the sports ball guys, though,?I say before Meyer can explode.
揚erfect. We抣l get plenty of public appearances in that way through football season before the tour starts in spring. Some group photos could be cute and cozy, too,?Kara declares with a smile.
揓ust hold on one fucking second here. I want to understand what the thinking behind suggesting me, now, was in the first place,?Meyer chimes in.
揅lay??Kara prompts.
Clay nods, prepared. 揥ell, to be honest, you抮e a bit of an enigma. You disappeared right as you peaked. People in the business know you抮e still actively writing and managing Farley now, but there抯 a general curiosity around you when it comes to the public. Once we announce that she抯 going on tour with us, and start testing out material at smaller venues, she抯 going to be in the limelight anyway. It would stir up that curiosity more to have you publicly acknowledged by her side. Especially when people connect some of the material,?Clay declares.
揑f we agree, I抎 want outlined specific events and to know when we抮e going to be photographed. No one just randomly following us around. I have a daughter,?Meyer says, pointing a finger on the table with finality.
Guilt flares through me, hot and sour, at the mention of Hazel. 揗eyer, I抣l just date a footballer. Really, it抯 fine.?
He only glares at me harder. 揑s that what you want??His nostrils flick out and his eyes dart between mine.
揥ell, no, obviously I think it would be easier for you, and I just?you know, based on semantics alone, but厰
揑抣l do it,?he says, more to Kara than to me.
揅lay and I can work with Shauna and her manager to get together a schedule and a list,?Kara replies, after a cursory glance my way.
Meyer nods, and we all shake hands when we emerge from the booth.