Once the final piece of furniture has been moved, Joyce pours each of us a glass of ice water with lemon in the living room.
揝ince you boys weren抰 interested in the martinis, I抳e brought some alternate refreshments.?
I feel her eyes on my throat when I take a drink from the glass. And I feel her gaze intensify when I wipe my forehead with the bottom of my T-shirt, because I抦 sweating. We抮e all sweating. Except Joyce.
She walks to the thermostat and says in a breathy voice, 揙h, silly me! I had the heat on instead of the air.?
Then she weaves through my brothers and stands in front of me梒lose to me梐nd leans forward to get even closer.
揟hank you for your help today, Connor. I don抰 know what I would抳e done without you.?
I lean back.
揑t was no trouble.?
Joyce stares at me a moment, licking at her full bottom lip.
揧ou know, I抦 just going to say it out loud.?
揧eah梞aybe don抰，？I try.
揝tacey never appreciated a good thing when she had it in her hands. A good man. She didn抰 know how.?Her voice goes low and lush梥eductive and suggestive. 揃ut I do. So you drop by here anytime, Connor, and I mean that. To talk or . . . so I can show you how much I appreciate you.?Then she winks. 揟hink about it.?
Wow.
I抳e gone out with women since the divorce. I抳e had sex with women. Good sex. Repeat sex. Seconds and thirds.
And while Joyce and Stacey always had that messed up, competitive mother-daughter relationship梥he抯 still her daughter. Who I was married to. For years.
Doesn抰 that make me son-adjacent or something?
All I can manage is, 揝ure thing. Bye, Joyce.?
Then I grab my keys and the four of us head out the door and into my truck.
*
My brothers and I are grown men with successful careers. Timmy抯 a firefighter who runs into burning buildings, Garrett is a teacher and football coach shaping young minds, Ryan抯 a fucking cop.
But when we抮e all together and something bizarre happens that抯 in any way related to sex? We turn into twelve-year-olds.
揟hat. Was. Awesome!?Timmy cackles from the rear passenger seat.
揑 don抰 want to talk about it.?I shake my head.
揇ude, your mother-in-law wants your dick. Badly. And she抯 hot.?
揈x-mother-in-law,?I croak. Because I feel so dirty.
揝till桰 say you get on that immediately.?Timmy advises. 揝ex with older women kicks ass, and sex with Joyce??He groans and bites his fist for emphasis. 揂re you kidding me? She definitely knows her way around the tantric.?
揑抦 with Tim,?Ryan says oh-so-helpfully. 揧ou抮e both consenting adults and Joyce is a good-looking woman.?
揥ait a second.?Garrett梞y apparently only non-deviant brother梡ins Ryan with his gaze. 揝o are you saying you抎 bang Angela抯 mother??
Ryan met my sister-in-law Angela when he was sixteen. At this point, her mother practically is his mother.
Which brings this conversation to a whole other level of freakish.
揂ngela抯 mom doesn抰 look like Joyce,?Ryan replies. 揂ngela抯 mom looks like . . . the Italian grandma on a jar of spaghetti sauce.?
Garrett抯 brows rise. 揃ut if she looked like Joyce, you抎 do it??
Ryan thinks it over.
Then he shrugs.
揚robably.?
Timmy cracks up.
Garrett grunts. 揇ude, you are a twisted bastard.?
Timmy turns to Garrett. 揝o I guess that means you wouldn抰 nail Mrs.棓
揇on抰！ Don抰 fucking say it!?Garrett barks.
Because Tim was about to ask if he抎 sleep with his mother-in-law桵rs. former hippie, chain smoking at seventy, and still going strong Carpenter.
揟hat抯 not an image I want in my head.?
Garrett squeezes his eyes closed and groans.
揋oddamn it梟ow it抯 in my head.?
揕ook.?Ryan brings it back full circle. 揑 say go for it. It抯 not like you owe Stacey anything梩hat ship has sailed and it turns out it was the Titanic.?
Tim waggles his tongue like an immature dog.
揂nd then you can answer the burning question on everyone抯 mind: Who抯 better in bed? The mom or the daughter? That抯 right up there with the chicken and the egg, my man.?
揌oly shit,?I snap. 揑 am not banging my kids?grandmother! Now for fuck抯 sake stop talking about it梚t抯 weird.?
They stop talking.
For about three minutes.
Because this story is epic and it makes me uncomfortable. Which means my brothers will bring it up again and again梐t Thanksgiving, birthday parties, Easter.
That抯 how family works.
As we pull out of the development, Timmy starts to sing 揝tacey抯 Mom Has Got It Going On.?
And it抯 just too much to hope that Garrett and Ryan don抰 know the words. So the three of them spend the ride home serenading me.
And I spend it thinking about how cool it would抳e been to be an only child.
CHAPTER TWO
Connor
Before we head back to my house, we make a pit stop at ShopRite so Garrett can pick up diapers for his and Callie抯 one-year-old daughter, Charlotte. Their three-year-old, Will, kissed the pull-ups goodbye last month.
In a small town like Lakeside, the ShopRite parking lot is kind of like the town square梱ou抮e almost guaranteed to run into someone you know. The four of us are just about to enter the store when Michelle McCarthy and her foster son David Burke come walking out, pushing a cart full of groceries.
Miss McCarthy is the principal of Lakeside High School. She was the principal when I went there梥he抣l probably be the principal when my grandkids go there梲ipping around the halls on a mobility scooter, beeping and scowling at the teachers and telling the sagging-jeans-wearing kids to put on a goddamn belt.
揌ey, Miss McCarthy; hey, David,?my brother greats them. David was a student of Garrett抯。 揌ow抯 Rutgers going??
揑t抯 good.?The young man nods, his ash-blond hair falling over his forehead.
揝till majoring in English??
揧ep.?
揂nd education,?Miss McCarthy adds smugly. 揌e抯 getting his teaching certificate.?
揝he抯 making me,?David informs us in a tone that says this is an ongoing debate that he抯 resigned himself to losing. 揑 want to be a writer.?
揧ou抮e an English major,?Miss McCarthy shoots back. 揇o you know what English majors become? English teachers. You can write the great American novel over summer break. Plus, with your juvenile delinquent record you抣l have street cred梩he kids will love you.?
Before David went to live with Miss McCarthy, he did a stint in juvie for setting fire to a local playground.
Garrett chuckles. 揥ell, having a Plan B is always a solid idea. I mean, look at me梠ne minute I抦 on track to play pro ball and the next I抦 the greatest teacher and football coach in the history of Lakeside.?
When God was passing out confidence, he gave Garrett extra.
But if you抳e got a big head, Michelle McCarthy can always be relied on to deflate that sucker down to size.
揕et抯 not push it. You could be the best vice principal in the history of Lakeside, but you prefer to stagnate in mediocrity.?
She抯 been on Garrett抯 ass to take the vice principal position for a while now. But he likes the classroom梙e likes connecting with the kids.
Miss McCarthy turns to me and her voice shifts from harsh to hushed in a New Jersey minute.
揅onnor . . . how are you??
It抯 how a lot of the locals talk to me now條ike somebody fucking died. Such is life in a small town. Everyone knows everyone抯 business, so they heard the divorce wasn抰 exactly my idea. Poor Connor Daniels.
Oh, the humanity.