Or that’s what I think as I, myself, close my eyes. She grips my hand and places my palm on her steady heartbeat.
And just like that, I’m out.
18
SASHA
Apparently, Kirill’s plan all along was to bring me here.
It’s been a week since we got to this cabin, and he’s refusing to leave.
Honestly, I don’t think I want to leave either. But unlike him, I can’t completely disregard the real-life problems waiting for us out there.
Kirill should be the one who’s more concerned about that, considering he’s the Pakhan and all. He’s new in the role, too, so he can’t afford to stay away from the action while depending on Viktor, who’s his only source as to what’s happening out there.
That doesn’t seem to deter him, though.
Not even a little.
He’s more concerned about fucking me every chance he gets. I’d be lying if I said I don’t enjoy being cornered by him all day long. I’ve been weirdly horny lately, and he indulges me whenever possible.
Kirill has always had an animalistic sex drive, but I never thought it’d get worse.
Not only does he view every opportunity as a chance to fuck my brains out, but he also doesn’t finish and goes on and on until I’m spent, motionless, and on the verge of collapsing.
I think he does that so he’ll have the chance to help me shower and bathe and then make me sleep cocooned in his arms.
And the greatest miracle? He’s actually been sleeping. Every night. Sometimes with his head on my chest. Other times with my head on his.
He doesn’t sleep the whole night, but he does get his few much-needed hours of rest.
Part of the reason why I’m willingly here, aside from the fact that he took me to see Anton again a few days ago, is the surreal change I’m witnessing in him.
It’s like I’m in the company of a completely different Kirill, but not really.
He’s the same enigmatic, slightly—okay, very much—unhinged man who’s a distrustful manipulator with a beef with the world. But during the time I’ve spent with him in this cabin, I’ve discovered that he’s…more.
For instance, he likes to cook and he’s actually damn good at it. He says it’s because when they were children, he liked to make Konstantin and Karina’s favorite dishes.
Since he’s Kirill, he’d never admit that deep down, he has a caretaker, protector side to him. Not everyone is entitled to that privilege, but the few who belong to that list get his unconditional support.
I was happy to see his relationship with Konstantin improve tremendously after he married Kristina. When I brought that subject up, Kirill was like, “I was only interested in the business transaction.”
He’s such a liar. If that were the case, he wouldn’t have gone out of his way to lie for them and make sure they got married on the spot in case Igor changed his mind.
During the past few days, he’s been so amicable, it’s a little scary.
He’s offered to teach me how to cook since I’ve always mentioned I wanted to learn how. He brings me flowers every morning, then places them in a vase.
No kidding. Kirill, who kills for sport, is picking flowers for me like some doting lover.
Sometimes, we talk until late into the night. Other times, we go hiking until we reach the peak and then he watches me scream at the top of my lungs with a huge grin on his face.
He’s been giving me deep massages to loosen my muscles. In part, he’s doing it so I’m more energized for the next fucking session, but I take it with gratefulness.
I know these things don’t come naturally to him. He’s putting in the effort for me. He’s letting me see the side of him that I’ve only dreamed of.
Kirill’s time all for myself?
His smiles?
His laughs?
His fooling around?
His whole attention?
Not in my wildest imagination would I have thought this would be possible.
But it is. And it’s starting to terrify the shit out of me.
Every morning, I wake up dreading that the honeymoon phase is over. We’ll have to go back to a world where he’s my family’s enemy.
Every time we go out, a part of me is watching our surroundings, waiting for those men to attack us again.
Just because that didn’t happen today doesn’t mean it won’t happen at all.
And that thought process is driving me crazy.
I don’t want to fall into that na?ve hopeful state I was in after we got married, because I know for a fact that everything good comes to an end.
Everything.
But at the same time, I can’t control the overwhelming happiness that I’m bursting with.
The need for more.
The urge to let go. Just for a while.
Unfortunately for me and no matter how much I try to fight it, Kirill is still the only person I’ve ever wanted to have for myself.
Not for duty. Not for family. Not for revenge.
Just someone for me.
I get a bit too excited for our morning routine, which is to basically exercise together. I’ve managed to punch him a few times, but those are few and far between.
He doesn’t shy away from taking me down whenever he has the chance.
I come down the stairs in my workout clothes. Today, I decided to wear only a sports bra and my tight shorts that have one of those seams to define my ass.
Not that I’m trying to seduce him or anything. Okay, maybe a little.
I bought them the other day when we went shopping in the nearest town—which is an hour’s walk away.
It’s about two weeks until Christmas, so the entire town was buzzing with lights, decorations, and excitement. My heart hurt at the reminder of last Christmas, which I didn’t get the chance to celebrate. However, I loved seeing people happy.
Kirill, on the other hand, was not impressed and kept judging the whole joyful atmosphere like a grinch.
Since we were carrying a lot of bags, we had to hitch a ride on a farmer’s truck on the way back. The driver might have checked me out for a second too long and I had to stop Kirill from putting a bullet in the poor man’s head.
Back to the present. Usually, he wakes me up with the flowers of the day, but today, he didn’t. Though I did wake up a bit earlier than usual.
I pause when I reach the bottom of the stairs. Fresh flowers sit prettily in a vase on the dining table.
So he did come back.
I sniff them, then take a picture of them and a selfie while holding them and send it to Karina.
Sasha: My flowers for the day.
She replies right away.
Karina: Ugh. He’s doing all the right things to keep you away from me. I’m gonna stab him to death next time I see him.
I smile as I type back my reply.
Sasha: We’ll come back eventually. We can’t exactly stay here forever.
Karina: Bet you want to, though.
If I were sure my brother would be released and wouldn’t start any trouble, yes. But right now, the situation just feels like a disaster waiting to happen.
The calm before the storm.
The good thing is that there’s no torture. When we visited them again a few days ago, Anton and Maksim were just glaring at each other from opposite ends of the room.
Sasha: Don’t be silly. Of course I want to come back.
Karina: Please do. I miss you! Not Kirill, though.
I shake my head.