I wholeheartedly agreed with him, but he needed to keep quiet and let me do the talking. I could take the shit our father threw. I could take the blows. Tadhg was just a little kid. He needed to stay in his lane and more importantly, stay unharmed.
“Get him out of my sight,” our father roared, gesturing to my brother. “Now, Marie. Get him out before I do away with the little bastard.”
“I’d like to see you fucking try,” I snarled, roughly shoving the mouthy little fucker behind me before he got himself in deeper. “Try it, old man.”
“No.” Mam stepped between us. “You need to go.”
“What did you say to me?” he snarled. “What the fuck did you say to me?”
“Leave,” Mam whispered breathlessly, looking like she was seconds away from face-planting the floor. “It’s over, Teddy. I’m done. We’re done. I can’t. I need you to go away.”
“You’re done? You think you’re leaving me? You’re mine, Marie. Do ya hear me? You’re fucking mine. Think you can throw me out? Walk away from me?”
“Just go! I want you gone, Teddy. Get out of our lives.”
You need to go.
I want you gone.
Get out of our lives.
She was directing the words at my father, but I didn’t feel a thing.
Because her words didn’t mean shit.
They were meaningless.
It was too little, too late.
The damage was done.
The time to stand up to him had long since passed.
Whatever move she made now was out of fear for herself, not fear for her kids.
“You think you have a life without me?” he continued to taunt her. “You are nothing without me, bitch. The only way you’re leaving me is in a box. I’ll kill ya before I let you leave me. Do ya hear me? I’ll burn this fucking house to the ground with you and your cunts in it before I let ya go!”
“Stop,” Ollie sobbed, clinging to my leg. “Make him stop. Please.”
“Are ya a girl now?” Dad sneered, glowering at his second youngest son. “Toughen up, Ollie, ya little bollox.”
“That’s enough, Teddy,” Mam tried again. “Get out.”
“This is my fucking house,” he doubled down and roared. “I’m going nowhere.”
“That’s fine,” I said in a strangely calm tone of voice, considering I felt anything but calm in this moment. “Ollie, go outside and take Sean with you.” Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed my phone and handed it to him. “Take this and phone Aoife, okay? Call her up and she’ll come get us.”
I hated dragging Molloy into this.
Fucking despised myself for dragging her back to this house.
But I didn’t have a choice.
I didn’t have anyone else.
She was it.
My entire lifeline.
She was my ride or die, and whether it was right or wrong, I knew she would come.
“No, no, no. Please, Joey. Don’t take them away from me.” Panic stricken, my mother rushed for me. “I told him to go. I told him, Joey.” Eyes wild with fear, she pulled on my hoodie, pleading with me to do something we both knew I couldn’t. “Of course, of course I choose you. Please don’t do this, please, Joey. Don’t take my children.”
“What good are you to them when you can’t keep them safe?” Every inch of my body shook and trembled as I fought against the desperate urge that I had to comfort her. I couldn’t do it again. Not this time. “You’re a fucking ghost in this house. You’re wallpaper, Mam. A mouse. You are not good for us.”
“Joey, wait, wait, please don’t do this.” Grabbing onto my hands, my mother dropped to her knees in front of me, and the move made me want to die. “Don’t take them from me.”
“I can’t leave them here,” I choked out, feeling too much for her, as my heart gunned in my chest. “And you’ve made your choice.”
She had.
Whether she denied it or not, she chose him.
She would always choose him.
But this time, I was choosing my siblings over her.
“You don’t understand,” she wailed. “You don’t see.”
“Then get up, Mam.” Tears filled my eyes, and it honestly felt like she stuck her hand through my chest and wrapped it around my heart. “Get up off your knees and walk out of this house with me.”
“I can’t.” She shook her head, eyes pleading. “He’ll kill me.”
He’ll kill them, too, I wanted to scream.
What part of that didn’t she get?
How the fuck could she justify keeping them in this house?
This wasn’t love.
This was sick.
She was as sick as him and I wanted no other part in this.
“Then die,” was all I replied.
“Let him go, Marie,” my old man commanded. “He’ll be back with this tail between his legs. Cunt is useless. Won’t survive a day on his own.”
“Shut up!” Throwing her hands up, my mother screamed at the top of her lungs. “Just shut up! This is all your fault. You’ve ruined my life. You’ve destroyed my children. You’re a fucking madman—”
He struck her so fast that I didn’t have time to react.
His fist connected with her face, and I watched as my mother hit the ground like a sack of spuds.
Crumbling onto her hands and knees just like a million other times in a million other arguments in the same damn kitchen.
“Think you can talk to me like that?” he sneered, towering over her. “You’re the worst of the lot, you fucking whore!”
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
“Keep your fucking hands off my mother,” I heard myself roar, reacting on a lifetime of instinct as I shoved him away from my mother’s broken body and moved straight for her. “Mam.”
I could feel myself breaking, my voice, my self-control, my heart.
All of it was just shattering into a million pieces.
I knelt down beside her, hating that she feared my touch almost as much as his when all I ever tried to do was shield her.
“Just walk away from him.” Pushing her hair out of her eyes, she looked so much like Shannon as she looked up at me. So frightened and child-like. “We’ll figure something out, okay? We’ll sort this, but we can’t stay here. I’ll take care of you.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he snarled, clamping a beefy hand on the back of my neck. “Think you know it all, boy? Think you’re better than me?” His touch brought with it a lifetime’s worth of horrendous memories and flashbacks. “Think you can take her away from me?” Overpowering me with strength, he forced me to my knees. “She’s going nowhere.” Increasing the pressure on the back of my neck, he pushed me onto my stomach. “I told you I’d put manners on you, ya ungrateful little bastard.” The weight he was pushing down on me was unsurmountable and rendered me completely fucking helpless against his assault. “Think you’re a man now, boy?” His knee dug into my back, and I had to bite back a scream when pain scorched through my already mangled back. “Show your mother what kind of man you are, crying on your knees like a little bitch!”