Huge plumes of black smoke continued to rise into the sky as the fire brigade battled to extinguish the blaze that was devouring my boyfriend’s house.
“Aoife!” Casey called out. “Oh my god, Aoif!” Slipping around a group of pajama clad women, she ran straight for me. “You have no idea how good it is to see you.” Breathless and panting, she threw her arms around me when she reached me. “I heard the sirens, and then I saw all the flames, and everyone started coming out of their houses. Jesus, I tried to call you, but your phone’s going straight to voicemail. I was terrified you might be in there. When I saw Joey losing his shit—”
“You saw him?” I demanded, chest heaving, as I struggled to make sense of what I was seeing. “When? Where? Is he okay? Was he—"
“Yeah, I saw him. He’s okay – well, clearly, he wasn’t okay. I mean, he was understandably losing his shit, trying to go back into the house, but Johnny Kavanagh showed up and hauled him away.”
And that was all it took.
He’s okay.
Two words.
“He’s okay?” Sobbing uncontrollably as a tsunami of relief washed over me, I felt my legs give out beneath me. “Joe’s okay?”
“You’re okay, too,” Dad soothed, catching me before I hit the ground. “You’re okay, too, pet.” Turning to Casey, he asked, “Did everyone get out?”
“All the kids got out,” I heard her tell him. “From what I’ve been hearing from the neighbors, Joe and all the kids have been taken to Shannon’s boyfriend’s house. It’s just his mother and father. They’re the only ones who burned—”
“Right, that’s enough,” Dad interrupted, hooking an arm around me and pulling me to his chest. “You’re coming home with me right now. Casey, pet, are you coming? I think Aoife could use her little sidekick tonight.”
“For sure, Daddy-T, I’m coming.”
“What? No, no, no!” Wide-eyed and horrified, I spun around to gape at me father. “Dad, no. I can’t go home. I have to go to him. He’s—”
“No.” Cutting me off, my father wrapped a strong arm around my shoulders and led me back to the van. “You’re not. You’re coming home with me and Casey, and you’re going to stay home. Tomorrow’s another day. You can go and see him then. I promise you faithfully I will take you to the Kavanagh’s house myself, but right now, I need you to come home and rest.”
“Dad, you don’t understand—”
“No, you don’t understand, Aoife,” he snapped, helping me into the passenger side of the van, and then waiting for Casey to climb in beside me before slamming the door shut and rounding the driver’s side. “You’re pregnant, for Christ’s sake,” he continued, climbing in alongside us and starting the engine. “This isn’t good for you. I know you love the boy, and my heart is breaking for him, too. I’ve indulged you all night. I’ve done everything I can to help and support you, but I’m putting my foot down now. This isn’t good for the baby, and I think it’s high time you start putting the baby first.”
WAKE ME UP WHEN IT’S ALL OVER
JOEY
“How am I supposed to do this, John? How am I supposed to arrange my mother’s funeral?”
“You’re not on your own here, Darren. We’ll support you in every way we can.”
People were talking around me.
“It will be some time before they release the bodies.”
Making plans.
“I presume they’ll release his body to your family, too.”
Making decisions.
“She’s not being buried with him.”
I couldn’t take in a word of it.
“The Gards will take another round of statements, but it’s safe to say it’s looking like arson.”
Slumped against the dining table of a room I’d never been inside, I rested my cheek against the solid oak, and held the back of my head with my hands.
“Of course it’s arson, the bastard burned her alive! It’s a murder-suicide.”
Her hand.
“He tried to take the kids out with him.”
Why the fuck could I not get the image of her hand dangling out of that body bag out of my head?
“The doctor is on the way again. He’ll look after them both.”
That’s your mother, asshole.
She’s cold on a slab now.
Because you couldn’t stay.
“Jesus Christ, Nanny keeps calling. I can’t deal with her right now.”
Trembling violently, I focused on the sound of my heart hammering violently against my ribcage.
“Here. Give me the phone. I’ll talk to her, love.”
On the way my body wouldn’t stop shaking.
“Alex. I need to get in contact with Alex. He’s in Belfast. He doesn’t know…”
As the memory of my brothers wailing continued to haunt me.
“I’ll do all of that for you.”
Her hand.
“And Mam’s sister Alice in Beara.”
Was it the one with her wedding ring?
Fuck, it was.
I’m sorry, Mam.
I’m so fucking sorry, Mam.
“Joey, love, how do you feel about this?”
It was her left hand.
Was she wearing it?
“Is this something you’d be interested in trying?”
I couldn’t remember seeing it.
Fuck, she always wore that thing.
“He needs to go. He’ll die if he doesn’t get treatment and I can’t lose another member of my family.”
Where did her ring go?
Did it melt into her skin?
“Joey love, can you hear us?”
I wasn’t entirely sure why she or any of the others were asking me questions.
I didn’t have words left in my head to answer them.
“Joey, sweetheart. Do you have your phone? I can call your girlfriend for you.”
“No,” I mumbled, body stiffening, as her face broke through the darkness. The only face I’d been able to see since I was twelve.
Blonde hair.
Green eyes.
Smiling.
Loving.
Warmth.
Light.
That face.
Her face.
Queen.
“No.” I managed to strangle out the words, as my heart gunned in my chest. “I don’t want her to…see me like this.”
“Joey love, I’m sure Aoife is very worried.”
“No, Edel. I don’t want her coming anywhere near him.”
So, do you have a name, boy-who-can-think-for-himself?
“Darren love, that’s not your call to make. It’s your brother’s.”
You’re my favorite friend, with my favorite everything.
“Yeah, well, my brother’s not well. He doesn’t need more pressure on his shoulders. Can’t you see he’s already reached his breaking point?”
If I had a packet of Rolos right now, I’d give you my last one.
“What do you think bringing his pregnant girlfriend over will do to him? He needs to focus on himself right now. He can’t do that with her in his face.”
Don’t worry, Peter Pan. I’ll be your Wendy.
“You can’t shut her out, love. She’s having his baby.”