“You’ll have a fine son,” she cut be off by saying, as a strange wave of warmth flushed through me. “Strong like his mother.” I could feel the tremor of old age running through her when she placed her hand on my stomach. “Loving like his father.”
“We don’t know what we’re having,” I heard myself whisper.
“You’ll have a boy,” she told me. “And he’ll be just like his father.”
“I hope so.”
“You’re a good girl.” Her eyes burned with emotion. “With a heart of gold.”
I shrugged in response because I didn’t know what to say.
“You should bring her to him and watch her work her magic,” Nanny said then, turning to Edel. “Return my grandson’s heart to him, and he’ll start living again.”
“He’s in here,” Edel said, knocking lightly on a closed bedroom at the far end of the right wing of the house. “Just give me a second to coax Shannon out.”
Nodding, I clasped my hands together, barely able to contain my emotions.
“Hello, Shannon, love,” Edel said when she pushed the door inwards and stepped inside. “You have two visitors here to see you. Claire and Lizzie. They’re downstairs in the sitting room, pet.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t leave him on his —”
“And I have a visitor for you, too, Joey,” Edel interrupted, gesturing for me to follow her inside. “Go on in, love.”
With my heart hammering violently in my chest, I stepped inside, immediately taking in the sight of my boyfriend curled up on his side in the fetal position. Clutching a pillow to his chest, he remained still as a statue on the plush bed, facing the window.
Oh baby.
He looked so young.
So utterly broken.
The memory of the words he’d written in that letter continued to haunt me so much that it was a struggle to contain my emotions. Finally seeing him and knowing that he was still here made me want to bawl like a baby in relief.
“You can’t hide from me,” I cleared the lump in my throat and declared. I felt bad for ignoring Shannon, but in that moment her brother was my number one priority. “And you can’t give up, either.”
His body jerked; a telling sign that even though he looked like a ghost, he could hear me.
Stepping around his sister, I sat on the edge of the mattress facing him and exhaled a shaky breath when my eyes took in the sight of him.
His gaunt features.
His haunted expression.
His vacant eyes.
“My Joey.”
His body twitched.
“My baby.”
His body shook harder.
That’s it.
Follow my voice.
“Come back to me.” With trembling hands, I stroked his cheek, and brushed his hair out of his eyes, before leaning in close to nuzzle him. “Because I’m not giving you up.”
Jerking in what looked like genuine agony, a pained groan tore from his throat.
“I know,” I coaxed, as I continued to trail my fingers through his hair. To touch him. To bring him back to me. “You’re in there, aren’t you?”
He twitched again, hands balling into fists.
That’s it.
“I see you, Joey Lynch,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to his cracked and peeling lips. “You can’t hide from me.”
His hand moved then, settling on the swell of my stomach, and I swear I could have cried in relief.
“That’s it,” I coaxed, gently lifting his head onto my lap. “Come back to me, baby.”
Instinctively, he rested his cheek against my belly button, against the part of my body that separated him from his baby.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, cradling him when he shook and trembled and clawed at any part of me that he could catch ahold of. “You can’t scare me away,” I promised, holding him closer when his hands knotted in my hoodie. “You’re mine, remember?”
It wasn’t until Edel had taken Shannon from the room and closed the door behind them, that Joey finally spoke.
“Queen.”
My heart soared to new heights.
There he is.
He’s still here.
“Hey, stud,” I replied, using my shoulder to wipe a rogue tear from my cheek, as I continued to cradle his face to my stomach. “I’m right here.”
“Am I dead?”
“No, baby, you’re not dead.” I tilted his face up so that I could look at him. “You’re safe, okay?”
Lonesome green eyes, so full of heartache and loss, stared up at me. “Is she dead?”
Sniffling back a sob, I cupped his tear-stained face between my hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Yeah, baby, your mam didn’t make it.”
He didn’t react.
He didn’t stiffen or flinch or scream or cry.
Instead, he closed his eyes, settled his head back on my lap, and whispered, “I thought it was a nightmare.”
Shredded.
I felt shredded to the bone.
“I know you’re hurting, and I know you’re tired, baby,” I whispered, holding him as close to me as I physically could in this moment. “But I promise, if you just hold on a little while longer, it’ll get better.” I kissed him again. “You’re going to make it, Joe. I swear it.”
“Okay, Molloy.” Another tear trickled down his cheek. “Whatever you say.”
“I’m sorry.” His words were barely more than a broken whisper in the darkness, as he lay on his side facing me.
His eyes, full of tears, were glazed over, and it felt like he was looking straight through me, but he was holding my hand.
I could feel him coming back with every timid stroke of his thumb. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Sniffling back my emotion, I cleared my throat and rested my hand on his damp cheek, feeling his tears as they slowly trickled onto my skin. “You’re okay.”
The same two words fell from his lips again. “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve got this.” Shifting closer in the semi-darkness, I placed my hand on his cheek and brushed my nose against his. “Ride or die.”
“The letter…did you read it?”
“Yeah, Joe, I read it.”
“I didn’t want to leave you,” he admitted and then a heart wrenching sob tore from his chest. “I only wanted to protect you.”
“That’s my job, remember?” I joked through my tears. “I’m the one saving you, six.”
“What if I can’t get better, Aoif?” he choked out, holding onto my body for dear life “What if this is who I am?”
“Then you’ll still be stuck with me,” I told him. “Because I love you, stud. In all your shapes and forms.”
“I let them down.”
“Who?”
“The boys.” He shuddered. “Shannon.”
“No, baby, you didn’t let anyone down.”
“They hate me.”
“Nobody who knows the real you could ever hate you,” I whispered, wiping a tear from his cheek. “If you could only understand how much you mean to those children, how much they adore you, appreciate you. If you could only see yourself through their eyes…” I exhaled shakily. “You are so important to so many people.”