“Well?” Edel demanded, when I stepped into the kitchen later that night. “Any luck?”
I waved the empty plate and glass in front of her. “It was a battle of wits there for a while, but he knows I always win.”
“Oh, thank god,” she replied, sagging in relief, as she pressed a hand to her chest. “That’s the first bite he’s eaten since Monday.”
“Ham sandwiches and cans of coke,” I reeled off, setting the plate and glass in the sink. “That’s the way to his heart.”
“Good to know. Has he said anything else?”
“He wants a song played at the funeral,” I told her, relaying one of his heartbreaking ramblings. “Lightning Crashes by LIVE. It’s the only thing he wants,” I explained. “Well, the song and the promise that Marie isn’t buried with Teddy.”
"Any other advice, Aoife, love?" she asked with a weary sigh.
"Yeah, don’t give up on him,” I told her, forcing my lip to stop wobbling, as I spun around to face her. “I know he's difficult and can be a right pain in the hole at times, but you need to not quit on him, Edel. No matter what. If you quit one time, one single time, then that's it.” Leaning against the sink at my back, I snapped my fingers for emphasis. “He'll be done. That flicker of hope? That tiny semblance of a bridge he's offering you and John into his world. He'll burn it to the ground the minute you let him down and you'll never get back in.”
I paused for a moment before reaching into pocket of my sweats and handing her the letter. “He left that for me, but I think you should read it.”
You could hear a pin drop as I watched Edel read my boyfriend’s suicide note. With every line she read, the harder her hands shook.
“Read the part at the end,” I instructed when she gasped and clenched her eyes shut. “Read the part where he was trusting his babies with you and John.”
“The poor boy.“
“Because that’s what Ollie, Shan, Tadhg, and Sean are,” I forced myself to continue. “They’re his babies, and something about you and your husband resonated with him. You don’t realize how momentous that is. He planned on killing himself, and the saddest part about it is that he’s been fighting his whole life. He’s tired. He’s so damn weary, and I know that despite everything he would never contemplate leaving those kids unless he had a plan for them. He did have a plan for them. He finally found a home for his babies with people he feels he can trust. If you knew Joe like I do, then you’d know that he doesn’t trust. He’s been through too much, so the fact that he wrote all of this down, and was prepared to go against his mother and brother to get his siblings to safety? Well, that’s one hell of a compliment to you and John.”
“Oh, Aoife love.”
"But he'll push it," I warned her, wiping a tear from my cheek. "Joey will do everything in his power to prove himself right and prove you wrong." Shivering, I rested my hands on my swollen belly and sighed. "He'll take you on like a soldier at war because all he's used to doing is being in battle with grownups. He's going to question everything you do, from the television shows you let them watch, to the food you feed them. He'll watch you like a hawk and make you feel like a paranoid wreck. It's nothing personal. You need to understand that these kids are cubs. He's a glorified mama bear. Giving up power to you will be his biggest sacrifice because you're a woman, and women have always let him down. He's not fixable like Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean. You can't slap a plaster on him and heal the scars they put in him. He's not forgiving like Shannon or diplomatic like Darren. Joey's not open to change. He's a closed book. He's been traumatized far deeper than you, his siblings, or anyone else could comprehend. But you?" I looked her dead in the eyes. "There's something about you that calls to him. He's trusting you with his babies. That's a breakthrough.”
“I am all in with these children,” she vowed, voice thick with emotion. "I am all in with him."
“I hope so,” I replied, tone mirroring hers. “Because he’s going to get better, I can promise you that, and then your family is going to meet the real Joey. And I promise, you guys are going to fall head over heels in love with him.”
She smiled softly. “We already do, love, we already do.”
LIKE A NOOSE AROUND MY HEART
AOIFE
The mid-morning heat, emanating from the relentless sun, was stifling, causing what little makeup I had managed to apply that morning to sweat down my face. Summer had well and truly arrived in Ballylaggin, bringing with it green trees, freshly cut silage, and bittersweet goodbyes.
Unperturbed by everything but the blond in the suit, I kept my eyes trained on his back, as he stood at his mother’s graveside. I felt an unbearable urge to protect the boy that had been thrust into manhood several years before today. It was a yearning so strong it almost rivaled the one I felt for the child growing inside of my womb.
His child.
The only time I had left his side was that morning, when I reluctantly went home to change for the service. I’d even showered at the Kavanagh’s house, in the ensuite bathroom attached to Joey’s room. It was the only way I could get him in there. To hold him and wash him and stay with him the entire time.
That designer suit he was rocking. Yeah, I’d dressed him in it before I left this morning.
Entirely alone in his thoughts, in his pain, my boyfriend remained rigid at the graveside. Long after his mother was lowered into the ground, and the other Lynch children had dispersed, Joey continued to stand vigil, still trying to protect her, even in death.
It broke my heart because I knew she had put more holes in Joey than his bastard of a father ever had. There was a Marie-Lynch-sized hole in my boyfriend's heart that no amount of loving could heal.
God knows I’d tried.
She didn’t deserve Joey’s unconditional love, not when she had never loved him the way he deserved. Yet she had always received it anyway. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones elevating my frazzled emotions and causing me to think more irrationally than usual, but I was so fucking angry with her. Her death, as horrible and unspeakable as it had been, didn’t absolve her of the sins she had committed against her children when she was alive.
Those sins which had left her second-born son’s heart almost unsalvageable.
All he ever wanted was her love.
And she never gave that to him.
Bitterly sad for all they had lost, I looked around, knowing that the other Lynch children would be okay in the long term. Darren would return to the life he had built for himself in Belfast, while Shannon and the three younger boys had the Kavanaghs to care for them. It wouldn’t be easy, with plenty of teething pains along the way, but they would adapt.
They sure as hell had a better chance now.
That left my Joe.
The one shipping himself out of his family.
Shipping himself out of Ballylaggin.
Out of my life.
He had checked himself into a rehabilitation center up the country. The Kavanaghs, once realizing how severe his addiction was, had offered to finance it, and in a rare moment of clarity, Joey had signed the papers.
When his mother’s funeral service ended, he was leaving.