“Do I look fragile?”
“You look like a person I don’t know anymore.”
Ouch.
I kept my hands by my sides, willing to take whatever this man had to say – had to do. In a life of nothing, he’d been the only father figure I’d ever had, and I had ruined his daughter. I had robbed her of the future they’d hoped for her.
“I loved you,” he finally roared, chest heaving. “Like you were my own flesh and blood.”
“I know.”
“You made my daughter a mother before she was a woman, and then you left her.”
“I had to leave.”
“Maybe you did, but that doesn’t change anything in my head,” he choked out, voice thick with emotion. “But I can't risk having you around her. Not in her condition. You let me down, Joey. You went spiraling down the rabbit hole and you took my daughter with you."
What could I say to that?
Nothing.
I couldn't change what I'd done.
I also couldn't change the fact that every word he was speaking was the absolute truth.
I did spiral out of control, I did lose myself, and I did take his daughter down with me.
“You dropped off the face of the planet for months. You left her on her own to clean up your bloody mess, Joey. Yours. And now you're back? For how long?"
"For good," I offered, forcing myself to meet his eyes. “I’m staying.”
"You’re staying," he repeated, tone laced with pain. "Can you do that, Joey? Can you stay?"
"Yeah, Tony, I can stay," I replied, full of emotion. "I won't leave her again."
“I hear you’re heading to that fancy private school?” He sounded utterly disgusted. “Isn’t it nice for some? To get such a prestigious second chance. Meanwhile, my daughter loses everything.”
Again, I absorbed his anger, knowing full well that I had a huge role in his daughter failing her leaving cert. “I accepted the place at Tommen so I could get back to her,” I heard myself say. “I’d gladly give it up if it meant that she could take my place instead, Tony. You have to know that.”
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” he snapped, rubbing his jaw. “Right now, all I’m thinking is that I wished you never came back here.”
“Well, I am back.”
“You don’t realize what you did to her,” he tossed out. “How badly you hurt my daughter. If you did, you’d leave her alone, and let me take care of my family.”
“I can’t do that,” I replied, desperately trying to keep the head. “Because your family is my family, too.”
“She’s my child.”
“And she’s the mother of my child.” I countered hotly. “I can’t walk away from her, Tony. That’s my baby she’s carrying.”
“That’s my grandchild, and I’ll be damned if I stand back and let you hurt either one of them again.”
“You can try to keep me from your child, but you won’t be keeping me from mine.”
I moved to leave then, but he reached out a hand and fisted the front of my hoodie. I stood my ground, hands at my sides, and waited for his fist to crush my face. It didn’t come.
“Prove me wrong, Joey.” His voice was thick with emotion, as he roughly pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. “Prove me wrong, son.”
“Don’t worry, Tony.” Swallowing deeply, I hugged him back just as tightly. “I will.”
An hour later, and still furious with the world and everyone in it, I folded my arms behind my head and lay on the ground beside the small wooden crucifix, staring up at a cloudless summer’s sky. "Are you up there?" I asked and then mentally kicked myself. "Fuck, what am I saying? You're probably with him."
Death was all around me, peaceful and still, and I momentarily jealous.
The sun shone bright, and it felt like I was seeing it clearly for the first time in years.
What now?
What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
Go back and argue some more with Tony?
Drop to my knees and apologize?
Snatch Molloy up and steal her away?
Live?
Be happy?
Go home?
Where?
"You fucked me," I whispered, shifting one arm out from under my head to trail my fingers over the soil on her grave, disgusted when the echo of my own hollow voice reverberated in my ears.
Clenching my eyes shut, I forced myself to remember the sight of her.
How she looked.
What she smelled like.
Her voice.
Her pain.
Her screams.
Sniffing, I reached up and wiped my face with the back of my hand before climbing to my feet.
"I’ll see ya soon, Mam." A tear trickled down my cheek and I was surprised I could still feel. “Stay out of my head now, ya hear?"
Dusting off the soil and grass on my jeans, I inhaled a few steadying breaths before making my trek across the graveyard, not stopping until I was standing at his headstone.
One time.
All through rehab, I had vowed to myself that I would only do this once.
And then I was done.
I had to be.
The notion was the only thing that seemed to keep me sane in the early days.
My spite and bitterness had given me something to live for.
Without a word, I collected every candle, wreath, and bouquet of flowers his family had left for him and tossed them over the nearby wall.
"How does it feel, old man?" I asked, returning to his graveside, and undoing the fly on my jeans. "To finally burn in hell?"
“Joey love.” She placed a hand on my shoulder, and it hurt. The movement. The feeling. Absorbing the contact. The fucked-up gentleness of her touch. “I got your text message.”
“I pissed on his grave.”
“Is that all?” With a heavy sigh, she put her handbag down on the grass and knelt at my mother’s grave beside me. “I’m impressed with your level of self-control. I wouldn’t have been able to contain myself.”
“Threw his flowers away, too,” I muttered. “It wasn’t enough.”
“No.” Sadness filled her voice. “And it probably never will be, love. At least, it won’t feel that way.”
“Thirty-eight,” I whispered, inclining my head to the small crucifix with my mother’s details engraved one. “She was only a baby, Edel.”
“I know, love.”
She reached for my hand.
I let her.
I absorbed the feel of her hand covering mine.
“I miss her,” I admitted, clenching my eyes shut when the tears started to fall. “I miss her so fucking much.“ My voice cracked, and I choked out a sob. “I miss my mother.”
“Your mother loved you, Joey,” Edel vowed, as she pulled me into her arms. “I swear it, love.” Tightening her arms around me, she stroked my hair with her hand. “She just forgot to show it.”
When we drove through the gates of the manor, a million different thoughts and emotions were rushing through me. All of which fell out of my head as soon as we pulled up outside the house and I locked eyes on my siblings.
“Joey!”
“O-ee.”
“He’s back, guys. Look, it’s really Joe!”