“I can do that,” she whispered, looking up at me like I was giving her some sacred advice. “Thanks, Joe.”
“Anytime.”
“Can I ask you something else?”
“What?”
“How old were you?” She grimaced before adding, “When you first…you know?”
I eyed her warily. “Do we need to have the talk?”
Her eyes widened. “The talk?”
“The talk,” I confirmed grimly. “You’ve had the talk, right?”
“I, ah…”
“Mam’s had the talk with you, hasn’t she?” I pressed, palms sweating.
“No, did she have the talk with you?”
“Fuck no, I learned along the way,” I strangled out.
“Oh.” Her cheeks flamed. “Okay.”
“Don’t do that, though,” I added after a beat. “Don’t learn on the job.”
“The job?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Uh.” Her face flamed. “I really don’t.”
Jesus Christ. “Well, you know how it all works, don’t you?” I asked and then shifted in discomfort. “Sex and intimacy, and birth control and all that shit?”
“Uh, yeah?” Exhaling a shaky breath, she nodded uncertainly. “I know enough.”
“You do?”
“I mean, I think I do?”
That meant she definitely didn’t.
Aw fuck.
“Do you, ah…” I let my voice trail off, and scratched my jaw, buying myself a few extra seconds before forcing out the words, “Do you need to ask me anything about it?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t fucking know, Shan,” I choked out. “Advice? You have three minutes to ask whatever the fuck you want and then I’m out of here and this conversation will never again be repeated.”
“Is it like the movies?” She squirmed in discomfort. “Sex? Does it hurt?”
“Yeah, the first time can hurt for a girl,” I replied, resisting the urge to crawl into the corner of her room and rock. “But it shouldn’t hurt after that, and if it does, he’s doing it wrong.”
“Do we really bleed?”
“Uh, yeah, girls can bleed the first time, but it doesn’t happen to every girl.”
“Why not?”
Fuck if I knew. “Because it’s different for everyone.”
“What about guys? Does it hurt for guys their first time?”
“No, it’s more of matter of trying to keep the head.”
“The head?”
“Calm,” I corrected with a grimace. “It’s a matter of keeping calm and in control.”
“What happens if you can’t stay calm?”
“Then it’s over before it starts.”
“Over?”
“Over,” I confirmed grimly. “As in the show’s over.”
“Oh.” Her cheeks reddened. “What if his, you know, is too big? What if it doesn’t fit in, um, well, you know?”
“It fits.” I dropped my head in my hands and groaned. “It’s always fits.”
“But how?”
“Magic.”
“Joey.”
“It just fucking fits, Shan,” I replied. “Once the girl is relaxed and not feeling anxious or pressured –“ I paused to give her a hard look. “Nobody’s pressuring you, right?”
“Oh god, no,” she hurried to say. “I’m just…curious.”
“Okay then. Good. That’s good to hear.” Repressing a shudder, I quickly continued. “Jesus, I can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth, but foreplay helps a lot.”
“Foreplay?”
“Yeah, Shan.”
“What kind of foreplay?”
“Well, not hugging that’s for fucking sure.”
“Oh.” She blushed. “So, you mean like kissing and stuff?”
“And stuff,” I replied, feeling like I was seconds away from throwing myself out of her bedroom window.
“Like touching?”
“Yeah, like touching and tasting and…ugh, you know what?” Slapping my hands on my knees, I stood up and paced the floor. “You should stick to the hugging. Hugging is perfect. Hugging is plenty close enough until you’re twenty.”
“How old were you, Joe? When you first…”
“Too young.”
“How young?”
“Younger than you.”
Her eyes widened and she choked out a surprised cough. “Joe.”
I grimaced. “Yeah, I know.”
“So… how was your first time?”
“Terrible,” I admitted quietly. “I wasn’t ready.”
My baby sister’s eyes widened. “Then why’d you go through with it?”
“I…” I opened my mouth to respond, but words failed me. “I…” Shaking my head, I racked my brain for the words I needed to answer her but came up empty.
Concern filled her blue eyes. “Joe?”
“I don’t know, Shan.” Shoulders slumping, I sank down on the bed beside my sister and rested my elbows on my thighs. “I think I…”
“You think you what, Joe?”
“I think I was…” Blowing out a strained breath, I wrestled with my hazed memories, trying to make sense of a night that had never made sense to me. “I think I wasn’t in my own body, if that makes sense?”
“In what way?”
“I was high as a kite that night, and I mean, I can sort of remember it happening,” I admitted, cracking my knuckles together. “But I don’t remember how or why it happened.”
“I don’t understand,” she whispered, turning her body to face me. “Are you saying you…” Swallowing deeply, my baby sister reached for my hand and squeezed. “Did you not want it to happen, Joe?”
“I don’t know, Shan,” I forced myself to admit out loud for the first time. “I mean, I know that I liked the girl it happened with, and I know that I wasn’t upset about it afterwards, but I just don’t remember how it happened.”
“Joe.” Her hand tightened around mine. “That kind of sounds like you didn’t consent.”
“Maybe,” I muttered, scratching my head. “But I must have enjoyed it because I went back there with her multiple times over the years. She was actually a friend type person of mine back in the day.”
“It doesn’t matter if you did it a thousand times with a thousand different girls,” Shannon croaked out. “You both need to consent every time, Joe.”
“Jesus,” I muttered, shaking my head. “How did this conversation get so deep?”
“Does Aoife know?”
“Does Aoife know what?”
“About what happened to you on your first time…“
“No, because nothing happened to me, Shannon,” I was quick to point out, quickly shutting down the conversation before it went to a place that my mind had no intention of visiting. “I got high, I got fucked, I got over it, and then, when I got high again, I got fucked some more. Rince and repeat. That was my mantra. So yeah, I was way too young and way too fucking reckless with my body,” I admitted, giving her a hard look. “Don’t make my mistakes, Shan. Don’t give yourself away to the first person who shows you an ounce of affection. Just take your time. I promise the right person is worth holding out for, okay?”