Sid smiled up at me, looking a bit confused. The house was packed and boisterous with excitement, which was in stark contrast to its normal state. She wrapped her arms around my middle, gently pushing me back so she could get into the house. “What’s going on?”
Her smile faded a bit as she saw my serious expression. Fuck. I should’ve told her as soon as I’d heard. If I wanted her to trust I would consider her first, this was a hell of a way to show it. We agreed everything would end once I left, but I was counting on Sid to give a little on this. At a minimum, for her to recognize what we had and be willing to take a chance on us. I didn’t need her to follow me to Boston, but I hoped she’d wait for me. I tilted my forehead down, resting it on hers, and ran my thumb over her knuckles. My hand dwarfed hers, skin smooth as my thumb stroked over it. I wanted to pause this moment. Live in it a bit longer.
Pain radiated in my chest, knowing what I had to say, and I did my best to put on a smile. It faltered when I said the next words. “There’s some good news I want to tell you about.”
She searched my face. “Okay, I actually have some good news too.” She drew the words out, hesitation seeping into her voice.
I led her up the stairs to the privacy of my room. She took no time to sit comfortably on my bed, having spent so much time here in recent months. She backed up to lean against the headboard, tucking her knees to her chin. I never wanted to leave this room. I took a breath, trying to act normal, but questions invaded my mind. Would she be happy for me? Had her mind changed at all? Could I possibly let her go?
I met her eyes. “The Bruins called, and they’ve invited me to early spring camp.” I paused before delivering this next blow. “I’ll be leaving a week before graduation, but after classes.”
Sid’s breath hitched, and her face snapped downward, hiding her reaction from me. Her only tell was the barely there tremble as she released her breath.
“Hey.” I tipped her chin up so I could look at her. “This was always the plan, right?”
She flinched at my words, and I’d never hoped for someone to tell me I was wrong more than I did at this moment. My breath caught when I saw fire in her eyes, but she looked away and nodded.
Sidney stood, and her body lost its softness that was there a minute ago. “Yeah, of course.”
Why couldn’t I tell her I wanted the rules to change? That I was a safe bet. The truth was simple: I wasn’t. I was everything she worried about. I’d never be around, but I was still standing here selfishly, wishing she would stay with me.
“That’s amazing, Jax. You deserve it.” Her smile grew, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Coming closer, she tucked herself into my chest, and her arms tightened around me. “I had some pretty great news today too. The head of my internship finally called, and they’ve set up my in-person interview next weekend.” She smiled up at me for real this time. “I guess we should celebrate.”
I rubbed my thumbs along her cheekbones and leaned down, placing a kiss on her forehead. “Yeah… I guess we should.” Except I didn’t feel like celebrating. I felt like hiding in here, away from everyone and everything that was going to stand between what we had, wanting to soak up every precious diminishing moment until I left.
When we got downstairs, there were even more people here. I barely recognized any of them. Everyone wanted to be a part of the excitement. An overwhelming need to grab Sid and drag her back upstairs filled me, but before I could, she gave me another small smile, leaving my side, and headed off to see Piper.
Good. Maybe Piper could rub off on her. She was sticking it out with Lucas. She was visiting when she could during the season, and they’d stay together when we were off. She wasn’t afraid to commit to him, to accept the challenge of being with a pro athlete.
Piper chose Lucas, willing to make hard sacrifices because she believed he was worth it. I knew Sid was, that we had something special, a once-in-a-lifetime kind of connection. I would spend the next two weeks doing anything I could to convince her to feel the same.
Late at night, I thought about making the sacrifice myself. I could ditch the team and follow her to Ottawa. In those moments, I truly understood why she kept her distance because even in my thoughts, I regretted it. Like she would regret not getting the life she had planned. It didn’t stop me from wishing for it, though.
Lucas handed me a beer and wrapped his heavy arm around my shoulders. “Relax a bit. It’s the happiest day of your life. Act like it.” His voice was loud, but it was missing his usual lightness. His eyes focused on Piper, and worry coated his face. He dragged me into the other room, getting away from the girls for a bit. He was right. It was time to celebrate, not dwell on things we couldn’t change.
I was talking to one of Alex’s friends when Sid touched my arm. “Hey, it’s late. I’m going to head home.”
We’d both been busy all night talking to everyone. I’d stolen her away for a hidden kiss earlier, but she’d been preoccupied with chatting. I almost believed she was fine with me leaving sooner, but the way her arms tightened around me and her eyes roamed over me during that kiss said otherwise. We paused for a moment, foreheads pressed together, breathing in each other’s air before she pulled back, giving me a weak smile, and walked away.
“What? It’s only 10:30 p.m.” My brows pulled down. We’d been together every night since I’d come back early from spring break.
Sid’s hands ran along her arms, and I tried to meet her gaze, but she looked at the floor. The thought of her not being beside me sent a pain through my chest.
“You’re not staying the night?” I stuffed my hands in my pockets, already knowing the answer.
She took a beat but shook her head no. “This party looks like it has a few hours left in it.” She adjusted her bag and shrugged. “I’m tired, and I have an early shift tomorrow.” Her eyes finally met mine, and there was light in them. “I’m thrilled for you. This is such a huge deal, and I’m proud. Someday soon, I’ll be able to say I went to college with that guy!”
Her words stung, and a bitter taste filled my mouth. “If you weren’t so stubborn, it wouldn’t have to be that way.”
It fucking sucks. I knew it would be hard, but it didn’t mean we shouldn’t try. My jaw clenched, and I stood straighter. The truth she couldn’t see was she was the one leaving me.
“No need to make this harder on us. Like you said, this was the plan.” Responding in a crisp, impersonal voice, she turned and left, with me following a few steps behind her. I stood out on the porch as she drove away, and dread filled me. Everything in me wanted to promise her it would work. That we would find a way and that all of her worries were unfounded, but deep down, I knew I’d break every promise, and she knew it too.
TWENTY-NINE
SIDNEY
“I can’t believe we’re graduating in two weeks,” Mia mumbled between mouthfuls of pasta. “Did you decide on an apartment?” We were having a long-overdue roomie supper at the Italian restaurant down the street. They made the best rigatoni and a cheese dish with honey that dreams were made of.
I’d been stalking three apartments for the last few weeks, struggling to decide between them. “Going with the smaller but closer-to-work option. I wanted that soaker tub like I need my next breath, but the commute would’ve been forty minutes.” I lifted my hands in a “whatever” gesture.