THIRTY-TWO
JAX
I looked over at Sid, but she was still turned toward her window. Her entire body was twisted away from me.
I fucked up.
When I checked my phone at my agent’s office, I couldn’t believe how much time had passed. It felt like a few minutes, not over two hours. When I saw all her texts and missed calls, a sense of foreboding sat like a weight on me. I immediately called her, listened to it ring, trepidation filling me by the time she answered. “I’m so sorry, Sid. I’m going to be right there.” Silence filled the air until finally I heard her take a deep breath.
“Okay, see you soon.”
Sidney’s voice sounded wrong, too hard, too brittle. Nothing of the sassy tone she normally gave me. By the time I picked her up, I was a wreck. My hair stood on end from how many times I’d run my hand through it, but she just got into the truck, giving me a small smile. I asked about her interview, and she seemed genuinely excited about how it went. She was so understanding when I said I lost track of time. Too understanding. Fuck.
I tried to meet her gaze, but she kept her face turned to the window. She looked tired, and I drove faster to get back to my place. I was going to worship her tonight. Make her feel everything that I couldn’t figure out how to say.
When we pulled up to the house, she was the first out of the car, but she waited for me. Her eyes didn’t meet mine, and my breath constricted in my chest. She held out her hand, and I followed her to my room. Sid didn’t sit on the bed. Instead, she stood in front of me and leaned her head against my chest. She trembled in my arms, and I squeezed them tighter, trying to hold us together. “I’m right here, Sidney. Talk to me.”
I slid my hand over her cheek and gently tipped her face up.
“I’m…” Her breath caught. “I can’t… I can’t keep doing this.” She straightened her shoulders, pushing back, and a hard look crossed her face. “This is why we promised to end at the end of the semester.”
I stepped back from her. “First, I never promised a goddamn thing—especially not that. Second, we still have time. I’d think if you feel the way you say, you’d want to spend all the time we have left together. That’s certainly how I fucking feel.”
My chest felt like it was crumbling in on itself. My voice came out in a plea as I circled her arms lightly with my hands. “Tell me what you need. Tell me what I could do. I’ll do it, Sid. I’ll fucking do it.”
I knew this was real. She was just spooked. Everything about us was overwhelming but worth it.
She inhaled a deep breath, and I could faintly see her quietly counting. One, two, three before she stepped back. My hands hesitated, but they let her go.
She rubbed her palms over her face, pulling the hair out of her bun, and stared at me with tears in her eyes. Her voice was laced with a desperate kind of anger. “I’m such an idiot. I knew this would happen.” Her words broke on a sob.
“Sid, I’m sorry. I just lost track of time. It won’t happen again.”
She laughed, but there was nothing funny about it. “Jax, I knew this would happen, just like I knew it would happen again. I can’t do this.”
Panic froze the air in my lungs, and I struggled to breathe, my words coming out hoarse. “It won’t. I promise it won’t. I’m so freaking sorry for forgetting to pick you up, but I promise it won’t happen again.”
She sniffed, and for the briefest of moments, I thought she was going to say it was fine, that nothing had changed, but what she said next fucking broke me.
Tears rolled down her cheeks, and her lips trembled. “You broke number five. Shattered it into a million little pieces I’ll never be able to put back together.”
It was like a shotgun to the chest, sending pain radiating from my heart out through my body, and my lungs collapsed as I processed her words. She loved me. She fucking loved me. “I can fix this.”
“It’s not yours to fix. This isn’t something we power through. I thought I could do this. I thought…”
My heart was catching on her words, hoping she would change them. “I thought I could handle this… but I can’t.”
Every reason I could think of that this was stupid flooded my head. It was one time, I wouldn’t forget again, I’d do better. But then she took another slow step back, holding her hand up, and I stopped myself from responding.
“It’s not going to be enough, Jax. Your life will be full of amazing things, but it’s not the life I want to live.”
I shook my head in frustration, needing to make her understand. “I want all of those things too. We can make it work. You said you’d try.” My hands tightened at my sides. “Don’t you understand? You’re already in… you’re… inside my skin. Inside my chest. Inside my lungs. Deep within my bones, my heart, my soul. I fucking love you, Sidney.”
Anguish flashed across her face. “What if you’re meant to leave? What if this isn’t a love story but a tragedy?”
“I’m not leaving you. I’m going to Boston, but I’m not going anywhere. You’re the one trying to end this.”
Her eyes met mine. There were tears pooling, ready to spill, but her shoulders were set in determination. “I’m not going to be able to make the concessions required to make this work. I need certain things in my future, and one of those things is someone to come home to. There are plenty of women who would be okay with you being gone throughout the season, but I would be miserable.”
She clenched her hands together to hide them, shaking. “I won’t be the reason you feel guilty about doing what you love.” Her jaw clenched, and I knew what was coming before she said it. “This is over. We’re over. I need this to be a clean break. There’s only Professor Carter’s final exam left, and we both know we’re ready for it. I’m sorry. I need this to stop.”
Her words vibrated through my head. This wasn’t right. This couldn’t be happening. I stepped toward her, then another and another. She didn’t move, but she also didn’t lean into me.
“I’m ripping my fucking heart out trying to decide between being here with you or with my team.” I backed her into the wall. “I can’t have both, and the idea of giving one up is fucking devastating.” Cupping the sides of her face, I captured her mouth in a hungry kiss. I pulled away, sucking in breaths, and tried to breathe through the pain. “Fuck, Sidney, why? Why can’t we just give it a shot? Why did it have to be all or nothing? I can’t accept it. My heart won’t let me.” My fingers trembled on her skin, the world crumbling around me. I didn’t look away.
But she did. “It’s not your decision, Jax. It’s mine. You don’t need to choose between the game and me. You just have to let me go.” The crack in her voice lanced through my heart.
I slid my hands down her arms and laced our fingers together. I tipped my forehead down to rest on hers and dragged in shaky breaths. Each inhale felt like a dagger sinking into my chest. She’s leaving me. Desperately, I searched for some other option, some way that we could reverse tonight and pretend that it didn’t happen. Somehow I got to keep her in my life. Keep this feeling of finally reaching happiness. Squeezing my eyes shut, I breathed in her citrusy scent for maybe the last time and closed my grip on her fingers, pleading with her. “Come with me.”