I could see her heart breaking in her eyes and released her hands to wipe her loose tears with my thumbs, gently cupping her face.
“Please…” My voice cracked.
Sid stiffened, and her shoulders shook, and I kissed down the side of her face, trying to calm her as she took deep, hiccupping breaths. Her heart pounded against me, and she was staring with so much anguish I knew she felt the same. She knew how remarkable what we had was. That separating would be a special kind of torture, but it didn’t stop her from straightening in my arms as if steeling herself.
Her fingers glided over my face, thumbs smoothing out my brows, knuckles dragging across my lips. Her gaze took in every detail as I did the same to her. I memorized the patterns of her freckles, the perfect green hue of her eyes, the slight puffiness of her lips. I stared back into her, and I could see what was coming. She wasn’t going to let me avoid it this time. There were no more extensions, no more mercy.
“This was a mistake—”
Fuck no. I crashed my mouth into hers, cutting off her words. “Whether it’s a lifetime or a moment, not a second of what’s between us could ever be a mistake. Love is moment to moment. It’s not dependent on how much longer you’re together, and I fucking love you, Sidney. It’s going to hurt like hell, but it’ll have been worth it.”
I pressed my lips to hers and tried to get lost in her kiss, washing away everything that was to come—wanting to feel everything that she was—never wanting to stop. I slid her against the wall as she angrily kissed me with sharp nips and bites. Her fingers dug into my hair as she pulled me into her, and she desperately reached for my shirt, pulling it up over my head. Our kisses were frantic, knowing when we stopped, it ended forever. The thought stopped me cold and sent shards of ice through my veins. It would end. It was ending.
I sucked in a shaky breath and stepped back, straightening her shirt. The realization that I couldn’t stop her from tearing us apart carved into my chest. She was going to go off and be amazing, and one day, she would meet her perfect guy who wasn’t always on the road, and they would have their 2.5 kids and live in their house in the suburbs, and I couldn’t take that from her. She deserved to be happy, even when it was crushing me.
Cradling her head in my hands, I wiped her tears with my thumbs and searched her eyes for any other way. She stared at me, looking as desperate as I felt. I needed to let her go. She was begging me to let her be happy. I took a steady breath. “Okay, Sidney. Okay.” My voice cracked, but I got the rest out. “If that’s what you need, I won’t press you, but know I would do anything to change your mind.”
Tears streamed down her face as she pulled away from me, turned, and rushed down the stairs, nearly tripping at the bottom. I followed close behind, trying to steady her, but she was already swinging the door wide and racing out. Familiar burning filled the back of my eyes as my vision of her blurred.
She slammed herself into her car just as I heard a sob break from her, and I pulled on my hair to keep from following. This was what she wanted. I was doing what she wanted, but seeing her like this was killing me. She crumpled over the steering wheel, and her shoulders shook. Her pain was an echo of mine.
I couldn’t fucking take this. I pulled open her driver’s-side door, and her eyes snapped to mine, my agony reflected at me. She hiccupped as another sob racked through her.
“Shhh, it’s okay, beautiful. Shh, now. It’ll be okay. I promise it’ll be okay,” I kept whispering, gently placing one arm beneath her legs and one behind her back.
I lifted her out of the car, shut the door, and pressed my back to its side. I slid down until I was sitting on the ground, leaning against it with her cradled in my lap.
“I won’t change my mind.”
I kissed the top of her head. I wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince, me or herself. My fingers gently stroked her back until her breathing calmed. “I know.”
It took a long time before I could speak again, voice coming out thick. “What if I quit? If I don’t go to Boston.”
A shudder rolled through her, as if my words physically pained her. “That’s not how love works. We need to let each other go before we take something special and ruin it.”
She was right, but she looked so sad, like everything she wanted was conflicting with each other. I sucked in a breath and said the words I didn’t want to but I knew she needed to hear. “It’s okay to make your own choice.”
She leaned into me, her fingers curling into my shirt. “Everyone’s going to think I’m an idiot. Hell, I think I’m ridiculous.”
“You are not ridiculous.” My voice came out harsher than I wanted. I tipped her head back so she could read the truth in my eyes. “You don’t want to do long distance. That’s an understandable life decision. You have your own dreams and a brilliant career ahead of you.” I held her face in my hands and tried to fill my voice with sincerity. “You’re made for amazing things. You will conquer the senate. They need to watch out because you are a force of your own. It’s not foolish to follow your dreams, and don’t let anyone tell you it is.”
My fingers stroked through her hair, and I watched it slip through my fingers. “You don’t think I’m ridiculous for moving to Boston?”
A laugh escaped out of her. “That’s because you’re going to be famous!” Anger flashed through her eyes. “Everyone wants to be you. Of course you should go after your dreams. You’d be an idiot to stay.”
I shook my head and said, “So I was right because of what? Money? Fame? They don’t make my choice any better than yours. We’ve always known we’re on diverging paths—I just didn’t want to admit it. I needed to pretend for a bit so I would know what it felt like to truly have you.”
I tugged hard on my hair until my scalp shouted in pain. Fuck, I wish I could stay. I wish I could keep you.
We sat for another half hour, and I let the feeling of her soak into my memory so I could bring it out and feel it against me when I was desperate. Sidney looked up into my eyes, but I was already staring down at her. She slid out of my arms and pushed herself up to stand.
“To dreams, then.” Her mouth wobbled slightly on the words, but she held herself together. All I could do was nod at her in return. I didn’t dare try to speak. I moved out of the way of her door and watched long after she drove off.
As I collapsed on my bed, a familiar pain filled me. After Marcus died, I didn’t think anyone else could make me feel this way. My phone pinged, but I silenced it. The only person I wanted to talk to had just walked out of my life.
THIRTY-THREE
SIDNEY
I lay flat on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, replaying tonight in my head. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to take each breath. It was like a band had tightened around my chest, and each exhale constricted a little more. He’d forgotten me. Just like my dad had said he would. Just like I knew he would. I sniffed through my nose and wiped at my tears, but it was pointless. They hadn’t stopped in hours.
I thought he was different. I thought we were different, but we weren’t. Hell, I already knew love wasn’t enough. That the lifestyle was too seductive to compete with. My own dad chose it over me. Pain sliced between my ribs and twisted like a knife until I gasped for air.