I thought he was different.
His arms had trembled as he held me in his lap and looked at me, defeated. My heart had screamed at me to take it all back. Lie and say it was fine so we could be together just to have a few more hours with him.
But it wasn’t fine—it was never going to work. We’d both actively avoided talking about the impossibilities of being together. It was one thing to be with a pro hockey player; it was a whole other thing to live in different cities. He would only get a handful of days off during the season. At least if we lived near each other, we could see each other in the morning or at night when they played at home.
If I didn’t end it, I would have watched him get further away from me, feeling my heart break hour by hour as we dragged it out until there was nothing left. It was better to end it this way.
Then why does it hurt so fucking bad?
A soft knock on my door had me sitting up and turning toward it. Mia popped her head in.
“I didn’t expect you to be home tonight.” She took one look at my sodden face and came to sit beside me. “Oh, honey. Are you alright?”
I sucked in a shuddering breath and fought against the wobble in my voice. “No.”
Tears rolled down my face, but there was nothing I could do to stop them. I had worked so hard to be strong. But the truth was I was broken, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever fit back together.
“I ended it.”
Mia stiffened before pulling me into her arms and rubbing my back as I tried to take calming breaths. “Tell me what happened.”
She was one of the few people who got why I couldn’t just wait for him.
“He lost track of time and hung out with his agent. He was two hours late picking me up.”
“Asshole.”
I giggled, the sound wet with tears. “No he’s not. It just is.” The words burned down my throat as my tears came harder. I had let myself believe I could handle this, but I was falling apart. “He told me he loves me, and I believe him.”
Mia didn’t talk, letting me ramble my feelings out to her. “I thought maybe—” I sucked in air. “—maybe we could be different, but it’ll be the same.”
“I’m not sure I believe that after seeing him with you. He’s crazy about you.”
My back straightened as I tried to pull myself together, but my mouth wobbled even with my jaw clenched. “I know he wouldn’t mean to, but my dad taught me just how impossible it is for players to love someone as much as they love the game. I just let myself forget for a little while.”
Pulling my sleeve over my hand, I wiped my eyes with it and met her gaze. “I can’t do that to us. You know? I can’t accept half of it. We both deserve everything.”
I tried to steady my voice. “Instead, I’m choosing me. I have to believe I’m important enough to make compromises for, and that’s not possible if I live at the whims of a pro athlete.” I sniffed in my next breath. “I wish it wasn’t such a big loss. Why couldn’t he have stayed the asshole I thought he was? Why did he have to prove me so thoroughly wrong?”
Mia waited until my attention turned back to her. “It’s okay to make some concessions for happiness, Sidney. Life is never black and white. You’re not letting him go because of your career. You’re letting him go because you’re afraid.”
I wasn’t afraid—I was terrified. Not ready to face that thought, I replied, “I can’t be the only one sacrificing for this to work. I refuse to feel alone all the time. Someone someday will come along and be with me. One day, someone will make their life fit mine and vice versa. I have to believe that.” Even as I said it, I knew I would never have something like this again. What Jax and I had was once in a lifetime.
She wrapped me in her arms and flipped on the TV. “Sometimes paths separate, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t supposed to walk them.”
“When did you get so smart?” I said, my voice cracking.
She gave me a wobbly smile that had me looking closer at her. Her eyes were sunken and puffy. She looked like she’d been crying. “You aren’t the only one who’s made mistakes these past few months. I got too close to the fire and got burned.”
“You mean with Alex?” She nodded. “Is that how he got the black eye I saw at the party?”
She laughed at that, and some tension drained from her shoulders. “I may have made the mistake of falling for both Alex and River.”
“Oh, shit.” It took a second to let that sink in.
“Exactly,” she sniffed, but her face didn’t falter. “It wasn’t fair to come between them. Hell, I didn’t want to come between them. I just couldn’t help how I felt.” Her eyes looked at me for understanding.
I lifted my hands up in front of me, making sure she understood. “Don’t worry about me judging you. I’m the queen of letting her heart screw things up.”
“I had to end it. River blamed Alex. It was a fucking mess.”
I held her close for several minutes before pulling myself together and getting up. “One second.”
I headed to the kitchen to grab two beers and popped the top off both, handing her one. “Screw ’em. Here’s to being successful women. No man can hold us down.” The words tasted sour on my tongue, but I pushed them out anyway.
“Fuck ’em!” she shouted and clinked her bottle with mine.
THIRTY-FOUR
ONE WEEK LATER
SIDNEY
Jax sat on his silver Suitcase and tugged at his hair, completely oblivious to the chaos around him. I was too far away to make out his features, but he was paler than normal and looked like he was wearing two-day-old clothes. My heart ached at the picture he made and I desperately wanted to run to, but my feet remained planted, my body hidden behind the house across the street. My eyes roamed over him, eating up every detail, knowing this would be the last time I saw him, and my chest burned at the thought. I swallowed back a sob and quickly wiped away my tears with the ends of my sleeves.
The yard was pure chaos. His teammates moved in and out of the house, hauling the guys’ things into a moving van. All four of them were off to spring camp together.
“What are you doing here, Sid?” Alex’s firm voice came from behind me, and I jumped a good foot in the air, a squeak escaping from my mouth.
“Jesus Christ, Alex. You scared the shit out of me.” My hand went to my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest.
He nodded in Jax’s direction. “Go talk to him. He’ll want to see you. Know that you came.”
“I can’t.” My voice caught on the words. “It’ll only make it worse.”
I pulled back my shoulders and plastered on a faltering smile. “Anyway, I’m just a fan now. I’ll be following along from afar.”
Alex shook his head, his hands landing on my shoulders, shaking me. His voice was low and serious. “You could never be just a fan. Never. You’ve got to know that. He would give you anything.”
Alex stepped back, a small smile on his face breaking the intensity of the moment. “Now, where’s Mia? I’m assuming she came with you” Alex’s eyes roamed the alley, searching for where she hid.