“No.” He shook his head again. “Any relationship that is held together because it’s comfortable, isn’t a relationship worth having.”
I huffed out a breath. “Yeah, well, take it from someone with first-hand knowledge of this kind of thing, sometimes comfortable is as good as it gets.”
“Bullshit. Comfortable isn’t as good as it gets,” Joey challenged, narrowing his eyes. “You shouldn’t settle for comfortable, Molloy. You shouldn’t settle for anything less than being in love to the point of madness. The only person that you should be settling for is the person who unsettles you the most. The person who drives you to brink of suicide because he or she makes you feel so fucking much that you can’t catch your breath or remotely function without them. And what’s more is you won’t want to. You won’t want to breathe, or feel, or fucking function without them. That’s how you’ll know that it’s a real relationship, Molloy. Only when you’re feeling the most discomfort you’ve ever felt in your entire life, should you even consider settling. Because that’s when you’ll know you’re in love, which, sounds to me, like a hell of a lot nicer way to live than settling for someone you have nothing in common with because it’s comfortable.”
Whoa.
My breath hitched in my throat as my heart decided to jackknife in my chest. “You really believe that?”
“For you?” He nodded without a hint of uncertainty. “Absolutely.”
“What about you?”
“What about me, Molloy?”
“Is that what you’re holding out for?” I whispered, pulse racing. “That kind of epic love?”
“No,” he said flatly.
My heart sank. “Why not?”
“Because you have to care about someone to fall in love.” He gave me a hardened look. “And I don’t care about anyone, remember?”
Now, I was the one to say, “Bullshit.” Twisting sideways in my seat, I met his hard look with one of my own. “You care about me, Joe.”
“You’re my friend,” he conceded.
“Yeah, your friend that you care about.”
“Molloy.”
“It’s okay to care about me, Joe.”
He glared at me. “I don’t care.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Yes, you do.”
“Listen, the only one I’ve ever been able to depend on being there is my shadow, and that’s how I like it,” he snapped, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t care about people because I can’t afford to. I don’t have the time in my life or the space inside of my head to allow myself to care about anyone other than my family. That’s me, okay? That’s who I am. I can’t afford to care, Molloy.”
“Well, that sucks because I do,” I tossed back, feeling hurt, and flustered, and a million other emotions in this moment. “I care about you, Joey, and I always have.”
It had never been my brightest idea.
Too bad I was headstrong and incessantly reckless with my heart.
Too bad I was determined to care about him regardless.
“Don’t fucking say it out loud,” Joey groaned, dropping his head in his hands. “Christ Molloy, why do you always have to go too far? Why can’t you just keep that shit to yourself, please!”
“You mean like you?” I demanded, unflinching. “You know, Joe, one of these days you’re going to have to stop lying to yourself and admit how you feel.”
“There’s nothing to admit.”
“Yes, there is, and you know it.”
“You’re wrong.”
“You’re just afraid to admit it,” I argued, holding a finger up. “Because that means you’ll have to acknowledge the fact that there’s a girl sitting right in front of you who cares about you for no other reason than that she just does! A girl who isn’t depending on you to do anything for her other than be her friend! A girl who sees just how much of an asshole you can be, but cares about you regardless, because I do, Joe. I absolutely fucking care, despite your shit-head tendencies, hell, maybe even because of them.” I threw my hands up in resignation. “Who the hell knows anymore?”
“If you could just try to understand what I’m trying to do,” he bit out, and then exhaled a ragged breath. “If you only knew what I was trying to spare you from, you wouldn’t push for this.”
“Push you for what?” I demanded, heart thudding violently. “Your friendship?”
“Push for anything from me,” he roared back. “Fuck!”
Eyes bulging with temper, I went right ahead and pushed him. Literally. With both hands. “How’s that for a push, you big coward!”
“Don’t fucking start,” Joey warned, holding an arm up to ward me off. “Don’t even think about going there with me. It won’t end well.”
“Too late.” I pushed him again and then I did it twice more for good measure. “Come on, tough guy, at least now I’m pushing for more in the only way you seem to understand!”
“Molloy.”
I pushed him.
“I’m warning you.”
I pushed him again.
“Goddammit, Molloy.” Tossing me onto my back, Joey pinned my hands to my sides, and leaned in close. “You reek of desperation and it’s such a fucking turn off.”
He was saying the cruelest things, but his eyes told a different story entirely, as he hovered over me, chest heaving against mine, as his body thrummed with tension.
“Why would I care about a girl who offers herself up on a plate for the taking?” Narrowing his eyes, he leaned even closer, and hissed, “You’re another fella’s girlfriend and yet here you are, on the flat of your back for me like a slut.”
“Get off me!” I practically snarled, temper frayed, as his words cut me to the bone. “Now, asshole!”
“No fucking problem,” he sneered, equally furious, as he jerked back.
“You can be such a fucking bastard!” I screamed, as I flung the passenger door open and jumped out of the car. “The biggest one I’ve ever met!”
“And you can be such a fucking bitch,” he roared back, before quickly climbing out of the car after me. “Wait – where are you going?”
“Away from you!”
“It’s your car, Molloy.”
Dammit. “I don’t care.”
“You don’t have any shoes on.”
Double dammit. “I don’t care!”
“Molloy, cop on to yourself, will ya?” His tone was hard and laced with frustration. “You’re not walking home in the dark on your own.”
“Why not? Afraid I’ll be easy pickings since I’m such a slut and all that?”
“Would you just stop moving for a sec—“
“No, now fuck off – and don’t even think about coming after me!”
“Don’t walk away from me, Molloy.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, asshole.” Upping my pace, I hurried around the street corner, and quickly crossed the road. Because it was so close to Christmas, people continued to spill out from pubs and bars.