But I wasn’t sure there was a thing either of us could do to stop this attraction.
A tiny whimper left those gorgeous lips, and this fierce girl dipped her eyes again like she didn’t know what to say. Finally, she looked back at me, a mystery in her gaze. “You make me feel something I’m not sure I’ve ever felt before, Jud, and honestly, that terrifies me. That you make me feel something I can’t have.”
Rage burned.
A boil in my blood.
I wanted to hunt down whoever had put this look on her face and show them what it was like to really be afraid.
Draw it out.
Make it hurt.
Do what I’d promised myself I’d never do again.
Maybe that was the most dangerous part of all.
“Seems you make me feel something I haven’t in a long time, either, darlin’， and that scares me, too.”
Light laughter left her, and she looked at me with this expression that cut me in two.
With hope and hopelessness.
With faith and despair.
“We’re a mess, aren’t we?”
My fingers threaded through the hair at the side of her head, thumb tracing the angle of her jaw. “Yeah, gorgeous. A beautiful fuckin’ mess.”
For a minute, we sat there smiling at each other like cheesy saps. Like we were meeting in some place that neither of us knew existed.
“I really should go,” she finally whispered.
“Okay, darlin’。”
She hesitated, then asked, “I can trust you, right?”
My chest squeezed tight.
How did I answer that when I didn’t trust myself?
Still, I rumbled, “Of course.”
“Then there’s something you should know about me, Jud. If we’re going to be friends.”
I kept brushing my fingers through her hair. “Yeah? What’s that, gorgeous?”
“I have a child.” Salem’s blue eyes deepened with sincerity. “She’s my world. My entire world.”
I didn’t mean to flinch, but fuck, I did.
A knife driven right into my soul.
I tried to hide it. The impact of what she’d admitted. Of what she was trying to trust me with. I was getting the sense she didn’t show that card often, and that was unsettling, too.
But she felt it. Felt it different than I meant it.
She took the gutting pain for rejection.
Rigid defiance took over her demeanor, and that hypnotic gaze grew sharp and hard, the wildcat showing its claws.
Her love for her kid stark and gutting.
And I was getting it then, the vehemence that lined her bones.
Respected the fuck out of it.
Still, every single thing I wanted to say got locked in my throat when she slipped off my lap.
Every confession.
Every reason.
The purpose that screamed and clawed and made me feel like I was coming out of my skin.
After I sat there like a mute for God knew how long, Salem shook her head in disappointment, snatched the helmet from the ground, put it on, then climbed on behind me.
She curled her arms around me, though they were rigid. Like a canyon had broken open between us and a sea had risen up through the middle of it to push us farther apart.
Heart in my throat, I pushed the button for the ignition and the heavy engine rumbled to life. I turned it around in the meadow and slowly rode back through the trees and onto the road.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like kids.
I fuckin’ loved kids.
My guts clenched. My spirit moaned.
That was the problem, wasn’t it?
Could feel the bitter venom fill my mouth as we rode, as I took the turns just as carefully as we’d come, but somehow the glittering rays streaking through the branches on the trees and onto the road felt different.
A light going dim.
I fought it.
The agony that wanted to lift.
To take hold.
Suck me under.
Where I’d drown in that darkness that would forever possess.
When I made the last turn into Salem’s neighborhood, I pinned a fucking smile on my face so I could give it to her when I dropped her off.
Let her know I wasn’t a total dick.
I pulled up in front of their house.
My guts were in turmoil, torn between wanting to turn around, take her into my arms, tell her it was awesome—that kids gave a whole new meaning for breathing—that I’d protect that too if she’d let me—all while wanting to run.
Fuck.
I was getting in too deep.
Too deep.
I managed to kick the stand and cut the engine, and I helped Salem to stand. She kept watching me warily as I climbed off, too, as I took two steps up her walkway, following her, searching for a way to apologize.
To give her something when I knew full well there was no chance of a sound making it up my throat.
Not when the front screen door of their house banged open.
The air punched from my lungs.
A kick to the stomach.
I stumbled back.
A little girl about five came blazing out.
All grins and smiles and pitch-black hair worn in pigtails.
I stumbled like an oaf.
A fuckin’ meathead without words.
“Mommy! You made it back from doing all the works and oh my gosh you rodes on a motorcycle?”
Her little voice was a screech of excitement. A squeal of joy.
Salem breathed out, love pouring free, though I could still see her reservations when she tossed a confused glance at me before she turned back to her daughter. Her voice twisted in faked enthusiasm. “I sure did!”
The little thing kept running until she threw herself into Salem’s arms. Salem swept her up and hugged her close.
Nausea clawed at my insides.
Thought I was going to puke right there.
“Did it go so fasts? Like a thousand miles in one hour? I bet you could rides it so fast we could make it all the way to China by the time we gets to eat dinner. What do you think?”
The child grinned at me when she asked it.
The most brittle smile took to my mouth. “That’s awful far.”
“That’s what the adventures are for. You gotta go all over to the places that you’ve never beens before so you can experience new things even if you don’t wanna go at first. That’s what me and my mommy do.”
I scraped a hand over the top of my head, that smile faltering. Part of me wanted to ask more. Wanted details. Wanted to know.
To invade.
To step forward and succumb to this.
This pull.
This lure.
This want that made me consider saying fuck it all.
Loyalty shorn in the glance of a woman in the storm.
Black-fuckin’-magic.
The other part knew I had to resist. Had to end this right then.
To remember.
I looked back at my bike, contemplating my escape.
Only my attention snagged on the car that was coming to a stop on the opposite side of the road.
Tessa, Eden’s best friend, hopped out, all smiling and eager.
Awesome.
Liked her, but the girl was a handful, and I sure as shit couldn’t deal with her right then.
Not when I could see the hurt splitting Salem’s expression.
Her single treasure held in her arms that I was rejecting.
“I’m gonna go.” My words were bricks that toppled to the ground.
Energy whipped. A tempest.
Screaming in the air like Salem’s spirit was physically clawing its way to me, hooking in and refusing to let go.