13
Annie paused in the doorway of the bedroom. “You want to keep me company while I pack a bag?”
“If you don’t mind me being in your bedroom?” Serena questioned back.
“Don’t be silly.” Annie gestured with her hand.
Marley followed them in and sprawled out at the foot of the bed. Annie looked at him. “I’m going to have to let him out to pee soon. I hope he doesn’t wash away.”
“Does he mind the rain?” Serena settled herself on the single armchair in the corner as Annie pulled a small rolling suitcase out of the closet.
“He doesn’t love it, but he’ll go out.” Annie pulled open a few drawers and took out changes of clothing for herself and Brody, just in case, as well as for Finn. “Lili hated the rain, though, which is typical dachshund behavior. She absolutely refused to go out when it was raining. Thank goodness she was pee-pad trained.”
“I bet she’d look cute in a pink raincoat.” Serena giggled.
Annie looked up sharply. “How did you know she had a pink raincoat?”
Serena widened her eyes. “She did?”
They stared at each other, and then Annie laughed. “We really are in sync, aren’t we? It’s as if we can really read each other’s minds.”
“I know.” Serena nodded before her eyes landed on some pictures on the dresser. She pointed to them. “Can I look at them?”
“Sure.” Annie walked out of the bedroom and grabbed toiletries from the bathroom before coming back in. She stowed them in the suitcase and then walked up next to Serena to get her brush and phone charger from the top of the dresser.
“You have such a beautiful family.” Serena was looking at a picture of Annie’s whole family that had been taken right before the trip to Kauai when her mother died. They’d all met at Annie’s parents’ condo in New York—Annie, Brody, and Finn; Sam and Cam; and Jeannie and her husband and two kids—to celebrate their mother’s birthday before everyone except Annie’s family left for Kauai.
Annie took the picture from Serena and gazed at it. They all looked so happy, except for her. She had sunglasses on and wasn’t smiling; she was looking off to the side instead of at the camera like everyone else. She dimly remembered posing for the picture. Brody had dragged her there, when all she wanted to do was sit by the lake at home and stare at the water. She was barely functioning, still distraught over Lili’s death, overwhelmed with taking care of baby Finn, and also dealing with problems with her landlord.
They’d all gathered around a hot pot that night, the kids at a separate table, as the others had laughed and argued, cooking meats, vegetables, and various fish cakes and fish and squid balls in the boiling water in the middle of the table. It was one of Annie’s favorite family traditions, but she’d barely eaten a thing that night, not even the bean thread noodles she loved so much. Brody had mixed her sauce—made with a raw egg and soy sauce, Chinese barbecue sauce, scallions, and hot sauce—and placed it in front of her. Hot pot signified family to her, but she’d been so wrapped up in her own misery that night that she’d barely paid any attention to her mother, not knowing that was the last time she’d see her.
Her mother had held Finn in her arms most of the night, so proud of her newest grandson. How Annie wished she could go back in time and snap out of it, hug her mother while she held Finn, and breathe in the familiar smell of the face cream her mom had used. If she’d known that was the last time she’d be with her mother, she would have slapped herself and woken up from that fog, cherishing every moment they had left.
“I like these sunglasses.” Serena’s voice broke through Annie’s thoughts. “Did you get them here in Kauai?”
Annie looked up from the picture to find Serena holding a pair of sunglasses in her hands. She stared at them, not sure if her eyes were playing tricks on her. She reached out and took them from Serena.
The breath caught in Annie’s chest, and she suddenly found it hard to breathe. “Where did you get these?”
“They were right here on the dresser, next to this basket of barrettes.” Serena cocked her head to the side. “What’s the matter? You look like you just saw a ghost.”
Annie only stared at the sunglasses, turning them over in her hand, not quite believing what she was seeing. They looked just like the pair she’d lost at Kukui Grove when they’d gone to see the Chinese New Year celebration. But how could that be? She would have seen them if they were on the dresser all along, since she used this dresser every day. And she was almost positive they hadn’t been here. Where had they come from?
“Annie?”
Annie turned to Serena. “I . . .” She couldn’t form a coherent thought. What was happening to her? Had she found them and placed them here on the dresser herself? But then why couldn’t she remember that she’d done so? The panic started in her chest, and her body tingled. Dimly, she was aware that Marley was at her side, pressing his body into her legs as her vision darkened. But no. She refused to give in to a panic attack, not when something good was finally happening. She would not embarrass herself in front of her new friend and lose control. She dropped the sunglasses and photo on the dresser and clenched her fists at her side. She would not give in to the darkness that was clawing its way through her body. She took a deep breath and blew it out through her mouth, then took another one in through her nose. In and out, slowly, as Serena stared at her, eyes wide and not moving a muscle.
When Annie felt slightly in control again, she loosened her fists and heaved out a breath. “I’m sorry.” Tears wanted to spill out, but she wouldn’t let them. “I get these . . .” She struggled for words. How to explain a panic attack to someone who’d probably never had one?
“Panic attacks?” Serena asked in a gentle tone.
Now it was Annie’s turn to stare at Serena. “You know? I mean, you’ve had them?”
Serena nodded. “Unfortunately.”
Annie drew her lips into her mouth, not sure what to say.
“I get it, Annie.” Serena’s voice was soft. “It’s okay. I’ve been there. Whatever it was that set it off, I’m here, okay?”
Annie nodded, not trusting her voice. But she was grateful to have Serena there, someone who understood. Who’d experienced these terrifying attacks and knew how she was feeling without her having to put it into words.
14
Once Annie could function like a normal human being again, they made their way back out to the living room. Annie collapsed on the couch while Serena poured more water for both of them and brought it to the coffee table. Annie gulped it down like she’d been in a drought, and when she’d had enough, she placed the glass on the table.
“Better?” Serena asked, from where she stood beside the couch.
“Yes.” Annie closed her eyes briefly and then opened them. “Thanks. For being here and not freaking out.”
“I get it, Annie. I really do.”
Their eyes met, and then Annie looked away. “Do you mind getting my wineglass? I need more wine.” In her head, she knew that was probably the last thing she needed, but it would soothe her nerves.