“What do you mean he took the blame?”
Austin sighed and ran his fingers over his hair. His blue eyes were bright, even though they were bloodshot. “He took all the blame, didn’t even mention my name to anyone, and probably jeopardized his discharge.”
As the words sank in, I couldn’t help but shift my perspective on Kael. Why was he being kind to Austin? Was it for me? I shook my head, answering my own question. This was Kael. The kind of person he was . . . or is. He’s a good person, despite his lies. And I had to recognize that everything wasn’t about me. I knew deep down that he was truly a good person. He just wasn’t my person, and I’d have to come to terms with that.
“Kael and Dad have more of a history than we know,” I told Austin, reminding myself why I couldn’t see Kael anymore.
My brother looked at me with a confused but sarcastic expression. “Well, they all deployed together, you know that. They’re in the same company.” Austin shrugged as though he were telling me the score of a football game, like I gave a shit.
“You knew that?” I asked.
He nodded, sticking his neck out and hunching his shoulders as if to say Duh! “How else would I know these guys?” Austin studied my face, and after a second his eyes widened. “You didn’t know that?”
I shook my head. “No, but I guess it makes sense.”
It was all starting to make sense, but once again I was the last to know. Why hadn’t anyone told me?
“My fight with Dad was about me working with Martin. You know Dad hates anyone who challenges him, and that’s what Martin does. It’s almost like Dad’s intimidated by him.”
I looked up at the setting sun, staring at it long enough to see stars behind my lids when I closed them. I needed to be happy for my brother, even if he was intertwining his life with the one person I was trying to detangle mine from.
“You two are a lot alike, you know that?” he said, a smile on his face.
“You better not be talking about Dad.”
He laughed. “Martin.”
I shook my head. “That’s so not true.”
“Whatever you say, Kare.” He lay back on the porch and closed his eyes.
“Anyway, enough about Kael. I’m happy you have a job, regardless of how I feel about your boss.” I leaned back on my elbows and scooched next to Austin, resting my head close to his. We were almost kids again.
“Thanks,” he said. “I won’t bring him around if you don’t want me to, but he’s really helping me out.”
I didn’t know what I wanted when it came to Kael. I stared at the sky, begging for the stars to come out and play. I wanted to know that I could count on them to help me find my way. I wanted to be certain of something.
“Or we could all hang out, unless that’s too awkward for you.” Austin’s suggestion was jarring, and my defenses kicked in.
“It’s fine. I’m seeing someone anyway.” The words slid from my tongue, as devious as the lie itself.
“You are?” he asked.
“Yeah. I don’t want to talk about it.” I wasn’t a good liar, so I didn’t want any questions.
“Okay, seems a bit random, but sure.” He nodded, seeing right through me even with his eyes shut.
It would have been totally out of character to have another guy lined up already, but it was even stranger for me to lie about the whole thing when I knew damn well Austin could sense when I wasn’t telling the truth.
“So you won’t be mad that he’s picking me up here like any minute?” He said the words fast, as if it would change their meaning.
“Austin.” I whined his name, twisted it around my tongue. “Fine. I’m going inside. You really need to get a car.”
“I will, now that I have a job.” He beamed, easing my pain a little.
I heard the roar of Kael’s truck without seeing it. My body didn’t react at the same lightning speed as my mind; I needed to force myself to go inside the house before he turned onto my street. I wanted to avoid another run-in. I wasn’t ready to face him, especially after hearing the kind things he was doing for my brother. I needed time—a long time—before I had to see Kael again.
He was out of the truck and walking up the grass before I had moved even an inch. A faded baseball cap covered his eyes, matching his all-gray outfit—a hoodie and matching joggers. His white sneakers were too clean for this shitty weather, even though the sun decided to come out for the first time in days; maybe I should have taken that as a warning.
“Karina.” Kael’s voice was punishment wrapped in silk.
I couldn’t speak through the lump in my throat. My tongue felt so heavy. I looked at him, but didn’t verbally acknowledge his greeting.
He seemed the same, unaffected, and it surprised me. He didn’t look miserable, and that pissed me off. It was a short time but it felt like forever since I had touched him. It didn’t seem possible. My body was a traitor, recalling his warmth as he stood in the yard. I hated that I immediately noticed how good he looked. I wondered if he noticed my hair color or cared.
My brother stood up, blocking my view of Kael for a second. Just what I needed to help me snap out of it.
“See you later,” I said to Austin, as casually as I could manage without acknowledging Kael. I stood up, stepped to the screen door, and grabbed its handle without looking back to see Kael’s expression. I deserved an Academy Award.
Once inside, I turned the lock on the door. I pressed my body against the cool wood. It was an attempt to stabilize myself, to keep myself upright. It didn’t work well, but I got to my room and slammed the door. I crawled into my bed and wrapped my comforter around my body to hide like I had done my whole life when things were bad.
That’s where I stayed until Elodie came home from her doctor’s appointment after work. The sun was down, my room black as night, and when she found me hiding from the world, she climbed into my bed. She lay next to me, both of us on our backs, looking up at the ceiling. She turned the flashlight on on her phone and shined it upward. Elodie held a picture of her sonogram from her appointment in the beam of light. It was in black-and-white and seemed to make her so happy that her hands were shaking as we both admired it. Her little avocado was now the length of a banana. She was so thrilled that she began to cry, and I joined my tears with hers. Even though we were crying for extremely different reasons, it felt so nice to have her inside my lonely bubble of life.
CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
Over the next week it was hard to dodge my many thoughts about Kael. Austin sent me update pictures of the interior of the empty side of Kael’s duplex at least once a day, and the look of pride on his face made my soul happy. I’d never admit it, but I was starting to look forward to the pictures, sometimes even allowing myself to hope Kael would be in the background of one.
I had gone through the motions of another week, and skipped Tuesday dinner again, which raised questions about birthday festivities for Austin and me. A celebration, orchestrated by Estelle, was the last thing I wanted. I wasn’t going to mention my upcoming birthday to anyone and hoped Austin would take a similar approach or at least not try to involve me in whatever plans he was making.