I let him tug me along and when he presses my naked back against the shower tile, sinking inside me, I finally let go.
After a FaceTime call with Seda we settle on the couch with a bowl of popcorn for a movie night. Thayer lays down, plopping his head in my lap.
揥hat are you in the mood to watch??
揟o be honest,?he yawns, 揑抦 probably going to fall right to sleep, so whatever you want is fine.?
I flick through the movies I have saved on my account, settling on a rom-com. If he抯 truly about to fall asleep then I抎 like to watch Matthew McConaughey抯 Benjamin Barry get tortured by Kate Hudson抯 Andy Anderson in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
Thayer doesn抰 protest when it starts. I rub at his scalp with one hand, popping bites of popcorn into my mouth with the other. On the other end of the couch Winnie snoozes with Binx curled up against her.
It抯 only fifteen minutes into the movie when I look down and find Thayer fast asleep. He works a lot of long days. He might be the owner and therefore the boss, but when it comes to his business he likes being as hands on as possible.
Not to mention he抯 spent the past couple of days painting the room that抯 now Seda抯， as well as putting together her furniture.
When she comes back in a few days she抣l have her very own princess room.
Thayer even went back to the store and got the bean bag chair I had previously convinced him to leave behind.
There are a total of three spare rooms upstairs, one is Seda抯 now, and I guess, if Thayer manages his goal of getting me pregnant, another will be turned into a nursery.
The idea of watching Thayer rock a precious newborn in his arms at night has me feeling all kinds of warm and gooey.
Then almost immediately another feeling overcomes me, one of sadness and pain when I think about Forrest抯 old room that Thayer did away with a long time ago. I asked him about it and he said he left it for a while but seeing it just became too painful so he packed most things away, sold the furniture, and moved some of Forrest抯 more prized possessions like his favorite dinosaur and a toy car to different spots around the house. It says it makes him smile seeing those little pops of Forrest but that the whole room was just too much.
I look down at him, his face calm in his sleep.
The pain he抯 had to live through must be unbearable.
He told me his therapist described grief as a ball in a box. When the pain is fresh that ball is large, constantly hitting the sides of the box, but then the ball grows smaller over time and hits the box less.
Right now, for me, that ball is pretty large. It抯 why I抦 avoiding going back over to my mom抯 house.
I don抰 want to touch her stuff. I don抰 want to pack it away in storage or donate it or?
I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand.
When I do that, it抣l finally feel real.
Right now, I抦 in this state of pretending she抯 still in that house baking cupcakes or watching a movie or just sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal.
Grief is strange that way梙ow it tries to defy logic.
I saw her die. I went to the funeral. The grave.
I did all those things, and yet my mind is still holding onto the illogical hope that she抯 in that house.
The movie continues to play, but I抦 not paying attention anymore. When the end credits roll, I turn the TV off and gently wake Thayer. He takes one look at me and knows that the grief is consuming me. He doesn抰 say anything. He doesn抰 have to. He just wraps me in his arms, letting me grab onto him in a koala hold, and carries me upstairs to bed. He doesn抰 let me go even then and I wonder if he thinks he can hold me tight enough that I don抰 fall apart.
CHAPTER 38
SALEM
Two weeks pass before I抦 ready to start clearing out the house. Georgia insisted on helping when I let her know I was finally taking on the job, but I was more persistent in getting her to let it go since she could go into labor at any time. With this being her third she抯 more likely to come before her due date and she definitely doesn抰 need to be doing anything strenuous despite her stubborn behavior.
揥here do you want to start??Thayer asks, hands on his hips.
We stand on the front lawn since I haven抰 made the first move to step inside yet. Thayer抯 been keeping the lawn immaculate so at least we don抰 have that worry.
I open and close my mouth, no words willing to come out.
Thayer doesn抰 let my silence deter him.
揗aybe we should go around and mark the bigger furniture items with different colored tape. What you want to keep, donate, and trash. That might make it easier with those things.?
I nod steadily, willing my tears not to fall. It抯 just a house. It抯 just things. So why is this so emotional?
揟hat抯 a good idea.?
揂ll right.?He nods to himself. 揧ou wait here, and I抣l grab tape from my truck.?
I wrinkle my nose. 揧ou keep tape in your truck??
揑 keep lots of things in my truck.?
While he gets the tape, I wander closer to the side door. It feels easier to go through there than the front door. That puts me too close to the living room and I抦 not ready to tackle that.
Thayer returns, finding me fumbling with my keys by the door.
He swipes them from me, juggling three different rolls of tape in colors of yellow, blue, and green. 揥hich is it??
揟hat one.?I point to the one with the white daisy rubber holder on the end.
He slips it easily into the lock and turns it. The door squeaks loudly, in desperate need of some WD-40 on the hinges梐nother thing to add to the to-do list梐nd steps inside first.
揂re you coming??
He doesn抰 ask it in a taunting way. It抯 more like he抯 trying to gauge how I feel about this and whether or not it抯 a good idea to start today.
But if I don抰 cross this threshold now and start this process, I don抰 think I ever will.
I do it, I put one foot forward and keep going until I抦 standing in the kitchen. I flick the switch to turn the ceiling light on, bathing the room in a yellow tone.
Thayer wastes no time, I think he wants to distract me, so I don抰 get lost in my thoughts, and starts spewing out questions. 揥hat about the table? Keep? Donate? Or trash? It抯 in pretty rough shape, but it could be sanded down and painted, so I抦 thinking donate. And what color tape do you want to put with each category??
I can抰 help but smile at his need to keep my mind from wandering. 揑 think yellow for donate, green for keep, and blue for trash.?
揙kay, got it. Committing it to memory.?
揥e抣l donate the table.?
He rips off a piece of yellow tape and applies it to the table.
揅hairs??
揂lso donate.?
He tabs each of the chairs with tape. 揧ou can just point and tell me what you want to do with each thing.?
揙kay,?I sigh, looking around the space.
揟rash.?I indicate a picture across the room. It was a yard sale find shortly after my dad died. I thought the picture was so ugly梐 muddy looking watercolor that reminds me of some kind of ugly wallpaper, but my mom loved it for some reason, or maybe she just loved it because it was something she could buy with her own money for the first time. 揂ctually, I want to keep it.?
Thayer doesn抰 even question why I抎 want to keep the ugly painting, he just switches the tape color and moves on.
It takes us a few hours just to go through the kitchen. I end up keeping all of the baking supplies. Despite not baking for years until I came back here, I want to keep them, and I even want to bake on my own again. I think it抣l do me good and help me feel close to her. There are a few things I put in the keep pile for Georgia as well, things she already asked for條ike the cookie jar that抯 shaped like a circus tent and a set of plates.