Kaiden stares down at me from where he’s propped up on his elbow. Blinking, I look over at the glow of my alarm clock, yawning when I see it’s only three in the morning. My head rests on the pillow with a sleepy smile gracing my face.
“Why are you up?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Hmm.”
He grins and leans down, brushing our lips together. We haven’t done anything more than kiss since break. Sometimes his hands will roam, but they never go far. The most courageous I’ve ever gotten was sliding my hands under his shirt to feel his muscled stomach during one of our make out sessions.
This feels different though. There’s electricity in the room as he pulls me under him and explores my mouth. Every time his tongue does something, mine mimics him.
He touches my side.
I touch his.
He slides his palm under my shirt.
I slide mine under his.
Before I know it, the kiss grows deeper. He groans when I arch up the same time he lowers down. His weight feels welcoming, his body heat radiating into me.
I wrap my arms around his neck as he nips my bottom lip before trailing kisses down my jaw and neck. His hands push him up so he’s not crushing me, one of them trailing down my side and then sliding underneath my shirt and he moves back up.
“Is this okay?” he whispers against the crook of my neck.
I swallow, eyes closed from his palm against my belly button. “Yes.”
He kisses my neck before moving his palm up further, making me shiver as he gets closer to my breast. I stopped caring about wearing a bra to bed. Sometimes I’ll catch Kaiden staring at my chest, and it makes me feel confident. Pretty. Wanted.
His thumb brushes the underside of my bare breast, causing me to suck in a breath. He takes the moment to kiss me again, his tongue flicking against mine before he cups my breast in his hand.
We both groan at the same time, my eyes rolling in the back of my head when he squeezes me and then brushes my hard nipple with the pad of his thumb. I kiss him harder, tightening my arms around him and arching my pelvis up to meet his. Our breaths get heavier as he grinds against the spot I need the most friction, his palm moving from one breast to the other until I’m writhing under him.
“Kaiden,” I whisper, burying my face in his chest when his pelvis grinds faster into me.
He lowers onto his elbows, kissing me softly in every angle possible before pulling back and staring down at me. His palm rests below my bust, his eyes studying mine.
“What are we doing?” I ask, unsure of what’s going to happen next.
He bites down on his bottom lip before pulling his hand out from under my shirt. “We can stop—”
“No!” I blurt, before blushing deeply.
His shoulders shake with laughter, which makes me cover my face with my palms. “Hey, don’t hide. We can do whatever you want. Or nothing at all.”
I peek at him through my fingers. “I’m no good at this, Kaiden. You have way more experience than I do.”
“How do you know?”
I eye him. “Don’t act like you’re an angelic virgin. It’s embarrassing enough to admit that I’m one.”
He brushes hair away from my face. “I don’t want you to be embarrassed, Em. Trust me, I know plenty of girls at school who brag about how many guys they bag. It’s not attractive.”
I scoff. “And what? Virgins are?”
His shoulder’s lift. “It’s hotter than knowing someone let’s literally anyone between their legs. To be the one person you trust enough to get intimate with, that shit is special. Flattering, even. And I’m not saying that just so you’ll let me go that far with you. I’m being honest.”
I blink, gnawing on my inner cheek. “I feel like it won’t be good for you.”
He pecks my lips. “Mouse, you don’t have to worry about that. If or when we get to that point, it’ll be good for both of us.”
Blushing, I wiggle under him. “What if I want that point to be now?”
I hear the shift in his breath.
My shaky hand goes to his face. “Let’s be honest, Kaiden. I don’t like people knowing about my health. It takes too much effort to get anyone to understand what it’s like. I know you’ve done research, and you’re careful with me. I…I know that first times hurt. I know it may hurt me more because of my condition. But the pain has been minimal lately and I don’t know how long it’ll last.”
His Adam’s apple bobs. “What exactly are you saying? I need you to spell this out for me so we’re on the same page.”
Locking eyes with him, I raise up and kiss his lips. “I want you to be my first, Kaiden. There’s nobody else I trust with it.”
I think he stops breathing.
Waiting for his reply kills me, because he could decide he doesn’t want this. Or that he thinks we should wait. Or that I’m too fragile.
After what feels like an eternity, he asks, “You’ll tell me to stop if it gets to be too much?”
Licking my lips, I nod.
He studies me, brushing his thumb against my cheek before nodding back. “I haven’t slept with anyone since before you moved here.”
My eyes widen. “But Rachel…”
Shaking his head, he kisses me again. “I just said that to mess with you. I’m an asshole, remember? I do stupid shit.”
“Do you think this is stupid?” I hate how vulnerable I sound, but it’s a question worth asking.
“Sleeping with my stepsister?” he replies, unblinking. “Probably. Sleeping with Emery Matterson? A fighter? Someone who’s strong and resilient and doesn’t give in to my bullshit? No. I don’t think that’s stupid at all.”
His words warm my heart, but not as much as when he grabs my hand gently and interweaves our fingers together. Squeezing gently, he kisses me, trailing his lips across my cheek and to the shell of my ear.
“I think,” he whispers, his breath tickling me until I shiver, “that this is beyond us. It makes sense. Probably more sense than anything else.”
“Why?”
“Because we fit together.”
We do?
“Don’t you feel it?” he murmurs, nipping at my earlobe.
My chest fills.
My stomach flutters.
Yes, I want to say. I’ve felt it for months.
“I need to get a condom.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Nerves get the better of me when he’s hovering over me with wandering hands. I’m hyperaware of the foil packet beside us on the mattress, and I know where it goes and what it’s for. I never thought I’d ever see one or experience this though.
“Get out of your head,” he tells me, pushing up to meet my eyes.
My palms rest against his waist. “I can’t help it. I know what’s going to happen and I keep thinking I’m going to mess it up. You know, do something stupid.”
He chuckles, reaching up and brushing hair out of my face. “What do you think you’re going to do?”
“I…” I don’t know.
He kisses me, tasting me slowly, before pulling away slightly. “I promise you’re not going to mess this up. There’s no way you can. So stop overthinking and tell me what you want.”