“I won’t get into the details of what I thought, maybe even suspected, but our separation was a sure thing. When he asked for a divorce, I let my emotions get the better of me. I told him if he couldn’t bother with his children when he still lived there, then there was no reason to bother with them when he left. Honestly, I thought it was for the best anyway. He wasn’t the one who noticed Lo’s symptoms or behavior changes. He wasn’t there for the appointments. He always had an excuse. So, I took away the opportunity for him to make it up.”
It’s hard to breathe as I stare at the woman sitting beside me. She’s still, tight, like she knows what she did harmed so many people in the process.
“Years,” I finally choke out. “You made him stay away all this time? When I cried and asked why Dad left, you never had anything to say about it. Why would you do that?”
She struggles meeting my eyes. “We do bad things when we’re upset, Emery. Our decisions are driven by emotion, and I let my hurt get the better of me.”
“Did you tell him not to call more?”
She closes her eyes. “Yes.”
“Did you tell him not to invite us to their holiday dinners?”
A head nod.
My nostrils flare. “You knew how I felt about him, Mama. I was so angry that he didn’t want us. Why would any mother think it’s okay for their children to feel that kind of hatred?”
She has no good response, so she remains silent. I bet if she looked up, I’d see golden orbs staring back. But I’m done with their color.
“Do you regret it?” I ask.
“More than you know,” she finally says, reaching out for my hand. “Sunshine, I live with so many regrets. They’ve become so hard to bear. Between your father, Logan, you—”
“Don’t you dare act like you lost me!” I stand up, pushing my chair away. “You were the one who practically forced me to go. How many times did you call me Logan? Or cry yourself to sleep before dinner? I get that things were hard, but you weren’t alone. Grandma lost a granddaughter and I lost my twin! We all felt the loss. Not just you.”
She drops her face into her hands, nodding because she knows I’m right. “I see that now. Group has helped me understand how wrong I was to act how I did. I’m so, so sorry, baby girl. If I could do it all over, I would.”
I stare at her for a long time, unsure of how to respond. “Would it be worth it though? I think leaving the house was always what was best for me, and if by some miraculous occurrence we got a redo, I’m not sure I’d take it. Why relive Lo’s death all over again? Even if we could choose how to respond differently, I never would have made it here and experienced what having a family is like.”
I think of Cam’s willingness to help.
Dad’s silent protection.
Kaiden. Just…Kaiden.
“I miss you guys.” Even knowing what Mama did, I miss the good memories and the familiarity that my hometown brings. I miss the Sunday drives and the stupid traditions. I miss being picked on by Lo’s friends for not being just like my twin.
But I know deep in my chest, without a shadow of a doubt, I’d miss it here more.
I’d miss the banter.
I’d miss the movie nights.
I’d miss the late night cuddles.
Kaiden annoys me and cares for me and gets under my skin in every way possible. We’re family, sure, but we’re friends too. If there was ever a time I could plan the future, I’d risk everything to make us even more.
That’s not how my life works though.
Kaiden will go to Maryland.
I’ll be here.
“I wouldn’t redo anything, Mama.”
She blinks up at me.
“Because we can’t change anything.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
The metal bleachers are uncomfortable to sit still on while I watch boys in running shorts and baggy muscle shirts sprint across the gym. Mr. Jefferson didn’t want me coming in during practice, but Kaiden said something to him that made Coach grumble before waving me off to the side. Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded going to the library and doing some reading in chairs that didn’t make my tailbone hurt. I promised Kaiden I’d watch him though, and the smile he graced me with made the discomfort worth it.
After the first half hour of practice, Jefferson changed up their drills. I tried following along to the things he yelled from the sidelines, but got lost almost instantly. It reminds me of the times I would sit next to Dad while he watched football. To me, it was a bunch of men running after a ball in tight pants. Dad loved it though.
When the boys were split into teams, I watched Kaiden in his element. It didn’t take long to see why everyone said he was one of the best players the school had. He dominated the floor, flying past his opponents and making the most goals.
At almost four, I get up to go to the bathroom, slipping out while Kaiden battles it out with one of his buddies. I smile when I hear them banter before disappearing out the side door. Most of the people on the team are all friends, so watching them taunt each other makes me laugh. Kaiden may be formidable in the halls, but he’s the version I’m used to seeing when he’s playing.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been having so much back pain that I psyched myself out enough to Google for answers. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t noticed slight spotting after peeing with no period following. Usually I refuse to use the internet to scour for answers, but worrying Dad and Cam seems pointless if I could talk myself down from the feeling in my gut that says something is off. The only thing that made sense was a possible bladder or kidney infection, so I asked Dad for vitamins and cranberry gummies and told him it was just something new I was trying.
I keep telling myself they’ll help, but the blood still shows up and the pain, though tolerable half the time, is still present.
I’m on my way back to the gym when I see Mr. Nichols walking down the hall. Smiling, I give him a small wave and hesitate at the gym door, noticing the boys in an intense match against each other like when I left.
“Emery,” Nichols greets. He glances in the small window. “Ah, lacrosse season. Kaiden plays, doesn’t he?”
I nod, rubbing my arm. “He’s my ride home, so I figured I’d watch him play since everyone says he’s so good.”
“What’s your verdict?”
Giving him a tiny smile, I shrug. “I’m not an expert in anything sports related, so I couldn’t say for sure. He makes a lot of goals, which I assume is the whole point.”
He chuckles. “Not a sports fan, huh?”
“Nope.”
He watches the boys again, before turning back to me. “How have things been going? It seems strange not to have Book Club obligations after school.”
“Seems like you’re still busy.” I gesture toward the stack of papers he must have had copied from the teacher’s lounge down the hall.
“A teacher’s job never ends,” he muses.
We fall to silence.
I jab my thumb to the gymnasium door, clearing my throat. “I should probably get back in there before Kaiden thinks I ditched him.”
Just as I pull the door open, he says, “I don’t know what you did, but he’s changed considerably. I hear the other teachers talk about his behavior. You’re good for him.”