The weeks go on without interruption. School, practice, homework, movie nights. I get to witness the first lacrosse game of the season, where Cam does cheer the loudest, and Dad whoops and hollers until I get a headache. Exeter wins the first two games and loses the third one, but that doesn’t deter anyone’s spirit.
On nights when I’m feeling halfway human, I ask Kaiden to show me how to touch him in every way he likes. First with my hands, then my mouth. He always returns the favor with a grin on his face, and looks cocky when I have to cover my face with a pillow as I come.
It’s been over two months since we had sex, and it isn’t like I don’t want to do it again. In fact, not so long ago I thought it’d happen again when I moved wrong over Kaiden and cried out from the pain shooting down my back and hips. He’d grabbed me some pain relievers and covered us both before falling asleep.
On Valentine’s Day, I find chocolate and a card in my locker. The chocolate is some fancy brand I’ve never heard of, and the card has a mouse on it holding a ribbon-wrapped wedge of cheese in its hands. I keep it on my nightstand at home, smiling every time I pass it.
Not long after Valentine’s Day, I woke up to more hair on my pillow. Kaiden didn’t freak out like Mama did, which made me feel a little better. He could tell I wasn’t all right though, because he kissed my cheek and told me it wasn’t a big deal. It was.
I cried while he held me, and I told him about how much I loved my hair. My hair is my femininity. It’s what makes me feel pretty. Every flare I lost more and more until it got shorter each time.
The day following my meltdown in Kaiden’s arms, he drove me to his mother’s salon and the same hairdresser I usually have gave me a short pixie cut from a magazine Kaiden and I looked at for styles. It’s one I could play with and make messy and cute or leave to airdry and have it sleek and sexy. I teared up when I saw the hair on the white tile, but I would have cried harder seeing it on my pillowcase.
I got to choose to let it go, even if the choice was one I was forced to make. Kaiden told me I looked beautiful. Cam hugged me and told me I was stunning. And Dad kissed my cheek and told me I looked just like Mama.
Their support made it easier, even on the days I felt like everyone stared at the way my neck and ears were exposed. No longer could I hide behind my hair like a shield when I was uncomfortable. People could gawk at me and I’d know it—I’d feel their eyes burned on my face. I even considered asking Dad if I could get my ears pierced just to feel more girly, as if everyone stared like I was less so without long locks.
Kaiden told me I was stupid.
Then told me I was beautiful again.
Fuck them, Mouse. They don’t matter.
I wanted to ask if he did, but I already knew the answer. His opinion mattered more than my own, because I didn’t have to stare at myself like he did. He thought I was pretty even without my long hair or pierced ears or lack of makeup. I wasn’t the kind of feminine most people considered, but it didn’t change his mind about wanting to spend time with me or kiss me or watch movies with me.
Dad and I spend more time together than we used to. When he watches TV after dinner, I’ll sit with him and comment on the show he watches, usually sports or news related. Sometimes he’ll let me choose, and it makes me giggle when he pretends to get into the reality show I pick. When Kaiden and Cam join us, the guys pick on one of the girls while Cam and I defend them, even if we sort of agree with the ridiculous behavior the guys point out.
Exeter has become the home I didn’t know I lacked. Family dinner is always filled with easy conversation and funny banter, game days are full of team spirit, and with every passing week I start feeling like I’m part of something more than a fractured family.
After English class, I’m halfway to my locker when I hear giggling from behind me. I feel a familiar tingle of unwanted attention on my back, so I casually look over my shoulder as I put my books away and grab my coat.
Rachel and some girls I see her hanging around with all the time are staring at me. One of them flips their hair when she catches my eyes, and Rachel grins like the Cheshire cat. It makes me nervous when she tells them something before walking over to me.
Closing my locker, I turn to face her.
She gives me a once over. “It looks like being in a relationship is really becoming of you, Em. They say being in love adds at least twenty pounds.”
I gape at her. “I’m not dating anyone.”
She scoffs. “Please. I told you when you first came here that Kaiden always gets what he wants. People still talk, even when he tells them not to. His teammates are worse gossips than the cheerleaders.”
Pressing my lips together, I glance at her friends. They’re invested in our exchange, along with a few stragglers. Kaiden ditched after lunch to celebrate some guy’s birthday from the team. He told me he’d pick me up after school.
“Kaiden and I—”
“You sit in on practices,” she cuts me off, one perfectly sculpted brow raising. “Nobody else is allowed to do that. He’s been sitting with you at lunch with some of his teammates. They’ve practically adopted you.”
“That’s because we live together.”
“Like I said—” She steps closer. “His teammates like to gossip. Every time he flirts with you, touches you, or looks at you a certain way, we’ll know about it. And come on, Mouse. You look at him like he’s your savior.”
How does she know about his nickname to me? Up until a couple months ago, he never sat with me at lunch much less spoke to me during school hours. The first time my table was full, I was so shocked I just sat there and stared at all the guys picking on each other.
Don’t look so surprised, Mouse.
That’s what he told me.
I sigh. “We’re friends, Rachel.”
“With benefits, knowing Kaiden.”
I don’t grace her with a reply.
“All I’m saying,” she tells me, “is that you should lay off the carbs and participate more in gym. Regardless of you confirming or denying what everyone already assumes, it’s no secret you’ve gained weight.”
The confidence Kaiden gives me every time he spares me a glance, no matter how long or short, simmers and disappears with every jab Rachel throws at me. She wants to see me defeated, just like any mean girl does. She feeds off my reaction, especially if it makes me the inferior of us.
She warned me she wouldn’t play nice if I became true competition. I don’t think she understands my dynamic with Kaiden though. I’m not sure he and I do either.
Rachel stares at my face, tilting her head and taking in the layered pieces of my pixie. “I mean, it could be the new hair. Unless there’s another reason you’re packing on pounds…”
She cannot seriously be insinuating that I’m pregnant. “Why can’t you mind your own business? It doesn’t matter if or why I gained weight.”
Her eyes roll, but she relents. “Whatever you say, Mouse. Give Kaiden my best. He should really return my texts. I miss him.”
Grinding my teeth, I walk out the front doors leaving their loud laughter behind me.
I noticed that my clothes fit me differently, especially my jeans. It isn’t my waist that the denim hugs tighter, it’s my legs. And despite trying not to let it get to me, my reflection does look different. My cheeks are fuller, the bones less defined, and my chin is slightly rounder than I’m used to.