I sat back. I’d never seen Ari so animated.
Yet… I could understand. The black and charcoal serpents on Bastian’s clothing were always perfect—the difference in their shades just enough to show the intricate embroidery. Dawn’s guards wore pale, pale grey, while the Kingsguard wore pure white. Dusk’s had that deep blue-black, differentiating them from the Queensguard’s black.
Subtlety in colour mattered to fae.
“The scarlet and gold thread might as well be yellow—that’s how different it is from this.” I held up the insignia.
Ari gave a single nod. “Exactly.”
I thanked her, and we drank tea and chatted before she had to go and open her atelier. I couldn’t tell if I made good company, not when my thoughts snagged on the idea that we had two versions of Hydra Ascendant, a real one and a false one.
That evening I showed Bastian and explained what Ariadne had told me. He peered at the patch a long while, a deep frown furrowing his brow.
“I’ll look into it,” he muttered before tucking it into his pocket, though he sounded unconvinced.
It was better than nothing. Once he saw them side by side, he’d have to realise the truth. Sura was not behind the Solstice attack.
73
Kat
“And here you are undoing all my hard work.” A few days after Ari’s visit, Ella stood in the doorway, arms folded, one eyebrow arched at the （very full） glass of brandy.
I gave her a rueful smile as Urien carried in a chest I recognised—the one that contained all her beauty concoctions.
Once he’d left, I shrugged. “It’s only a little bit.”
“Yes, but the night is only young.” She sighed and plopped onto the settee beside me. “And I know you intend to polish off at least half of that bottle.”
I grumbled and tucked my notes into the research book I’d brought back from the library. I wasn’t fae, but I didn’t like lying to Ella.
She slid me a sidelong glance as she pulled bottles and jars from the chest together with a small paper-wrapped box. “At least you’re not denying it, even if you are denying everything else.”
“Oof.” I clutched my chest like she’d wounded me. “I wish you’d tell me what you really think, Ella.”
She shot me a wicked grin and I knew I’d made a mistake. “Your wish is my command.”
I groaned and opened my mouth to argue, but she seized the opportunity to pop in a chocolate truffle and silence me.
When silence tasted of chocolate, I didn’t mind it as much.
“There. No denial while you’re eating that.” She dusted off her hands and passed me a bottle of hair oil. “Have you noticed your hair getting thicker and shinier since being here?” She ran her fingers through hers.
I nodded and made a noise around the rich mouthful of truffle. “Ari said it’s the food,” I managed once I’d swallowed. “So what am I denying?”
“Gods, where do I begin?” She flashed me a grin before taking a bite from one of the truffles. “Your magic, for one thing. Though I’ll give you credit that you’re no longer denying your feelings for the delectable Bastian Marwood.”
I’d filled her in on all that had happened while we’d been away, and she’d taken it all in, open-mouthed. When I’d hinted about Bastian’s piercing, she’d squealed.
“Thanks so much,” I muttered, reaching for the bottle to top up my glass.
Ella’s teasing grin faded as she moved it to the other end of the table. “And that’s the other thing.” She flicked her fingernail against the glass and it let out a dull chime. “In fact, I think they’re all related.”
“And I must be psychic, because I have a strong sense that you’re about to explain your master theory.” I scowled and downed what was left in my glass—I was going to need it to get through this.
“Ah, ah, ah.” She tapped the spot between her eyebrows. “Wrinkles, remember.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Ella.”
She huffed a sigh and discarded the box of chocolates. “I wasn’t going to bring this up until later, but if you insist.” She shrugged, then curled her legs under herself so she was focused fully on me. “I know finding them here when you got back has shaken you. And I know you’re trying to numb your fears and some horrible memories.”
I had to look away. I didn’t have to tell Ella my heart: she saw it. The fact brought a little flutter of panic to my chest.
“But you can’t choose what you numb. If you’re deadened, you lose the good and the bad. Numbness doesn’t help. It’s just a temporary escape.”
What other kind was there? Despite all my attempts, I certainly hadn’t found a permanent one.
I picked at my nails and tried to swallow down that fluttering feeling as it rose into my throat.
“You heard what the Lady of the Lake said.” She covered my hands, stopping me from pulling my cuticles apart. Her warmth was like the first sip of brandy after a night riding through the cold. “You tried holding on to control all the time and that didn’t work. And letting go entirely when you were attacked… Well, you said that frightened you because you couldn’t stop.”
I shivered, pushing away the image of the bodies—the pain on those people’s faces.
“What if the middle is what’s needed?” She widened her eyes at me. “I think that’s what she meant: you need to give up control sometimes to be able to keep it at others. Time where your magic is free. Time being yourself. Sitting with your thoughts and feelings rather than regulating them for other people. Time fucking the brains out of Bastian Marwood.”
“I let go.” I frowned at her perfect fingers squeezing around mine. “That’s exactly what the drink is for.”
“No. Drink isn’t for ceding control—it’s for running away. Drink lets you pretend there’s nothing to let go of.”
A low sound escaped me. No playful clutch of the chest required this time. She’d landed a direct hit.
If I felt it so deeply, it had to be true. And I didn’t want it to be.
Drink was an old friend—an older one than Ella. It had comforted me in the early days of my marriage when I’d discovered just how disappointing every aspect of married life truly was. It had kept me warm in the bitter winters. And it had pushed away the darkness that had threatened to sweep in as the estate’s situation had grown more desperate.
Drink had got me through unCavendish, and Robin’s arrival in Lunden. Without it, I wouldn’t have survived.
I pulled my hands away and shrugged. It was a moot point. “My magic is blocked right now, anyway, and I plan to keep it that way.”
“But your mind is still there. You can’t block that, however much you might wish to.”
Kaliban’s words came back to me, echoing Ella’s. Your mind is who you are.
“Why do you—？”
“Katherine Ferrers, if you’re about to ask me why I care, I’m going to be forced to murder you.” Despite the dangers of wrinkles, I found Ella giving me the sharpest frown I’d ever seen. “I care about you, you massive idiot. And…” Her throat bobbed as she looked away, interlacing her fingers. “We all know the stereotype of someone who drinks too much. A man who gets loud and aggressive, who turns to violence and hurts others. Or who takes his carriage out and crashes it into someone… But my mother wasn’t like that.”