I’d be free to be myself.
“I have to warn you, though…” His hesitance filled the room, and I blinked away my tears. “I’d have to poke into your mind more thoroughly. I might see things you don’t want me to.”
I put away the bread and straightened. “Even if I really focus on it?”
“Hmm.” He tilted his head side to side. “With the strength of your thoughts, perhaps.”
Bastian had warned me about trusting people here, but Kaliban had become a friend. Any time he’d erased my memories of Elthea’s treatments, he could’ve taken advantage and pushed further into my mind. Yet he hadn’t.
He eyed the empty basket. “You brought a lot of food today. It’s a heavy memory, isn’t it?”
The way his expression softened as he turned his attention to me threatened to bring back the tears. I bit my lip and nodded.
“The choice is yours.” He gestured to the chairs at the kitchen table where he did his work.
A life free of fear. Or at least, the fear of that night and my uncle.
I sat and eased the slightly tight ring off my finger, breathing a sigh as the sickly discomfort faded. My relief was short lived though, as I forced my thoughts to Dia and Fant?me’s open grave and the night sky above.
As Kaliban stepped behind me, my heart sped, getting louder and louder.
Soil spilling on me. The cold dampness seeping through my nightgown. The desperate need to keep still.
My breaths gasped in and in and in, but I caught myself, and, gripping the table’s edge, I counted in for five and out for six, like Bastian had shown me.
In. Slowly. You’re not there. You’re just thinking about it.
Out. Fully. You’ll be rid of it soon. You’ll be free soon.
“Good gods.” Eyes round, Kaliban flopped into the seat by mine. “What the hells happened? Who’s been in there?”
“My uncle, he—”
“I don’t mean the memory…” Eyelids fluttering, he shook his head. “That’s horrible, yes, but… I mean who’s been fucking around in there?” He tapped his temple.
The tattooed fae. I seized the thought before it grew too loud and broke the bargain we’d made. “Our captor would only let us leave if they erased our memory of the location.”
He grunted and rubbed his face as if weary. “Holes everywhere. And something with a trigger. A butcher would’ve left less mess. I can’t do anything.”
The memory with Uncle Rufus was too ingrained, and made worse by my deal with Sura. Shit. “Fine,” I sighed. “Thank you for trying. I… I hurt—killed some people with my poison.” I examined my fingers and the stain spreading over them now there was no iron blocking my magic. “Can you take away that memory instead?”
“Katherine.” He leant forward, forcing eye contact. “I don’t think you understand—I can’t take anything. Not anymore.”
A chill crept over me like the soil from that night. “What do you mean?”
“Whatever they did, it was brutal. A botch job. They’ve left so many holes—if I alter a single thing, your mind could collapse.”
“You’re speaking like my mind is a structure. But this isn’t a broken bone in danger of crumbling apart. These are only my thoughts.”
“Considering how strong your thoughts are, I didn’t expect to hear you calling them ‘only’ anything.” His brow tightened, and a knot tied in my stomach at his disapproval. “Your mind is a structure. Just because it isn’t a physical one doesn’t make it any less real. Your mind can be injured or sick, the same as your body. You’ve been getting headaches since this was done, haven’t you?”
Bile licked the back of my throat. I swallowed it down and nodded in silence.
“Your mind is who you are. If it collapses, you will lose yourself. Your fear and courage. Your humour and kindness. Your loyalty and determination. Everything you love, and everything you hate. They are ‘only’ thoughts, and yet…”
And yet those things were me.
Even the fear.
Especially the fear.
Wasn’t that the thing that had made me all the more determined to keep Ella safe from unCavendish? Wasn’t that what had driven me to ride at night as the Wicked Lady? And weren’t those the nights I’d felt most free?
I rubbed my chest. Maybe I did know Katherine Ferrers far better than I thought.
“I understand.”
In truth, I’d never understood anything about myself so well until that moment.
72
Kat
Over the following days, the queen kept Bastian busy with work. He told me it was because of the coming wedding and the fact he’d been away, so she needed him all the more. After using Princess Nyx’s death as a warning, I suspected it was because he’d been away with me.
Though he did find out how Rufus and Robin had secured permission to come to Elfhame. As Caelus had said, Uncle Rufus had told anyone who would listen that I, the woman who had saved Albion from war, was his niece. It was only a short step from there to worming his way into the good graces of Queen Elizabeth herself.
So when she had to choose people for her diplomatic mission to Elfhame, my devious uncle was an obvious choice. Then, cut off from credit, Robin had caught wind of opportunity.
What a pair of fucking vultures, feeding off my scraps.
Feeding off me.
Other than taking Vespera for a ride with Rose, I kept to our rooms and tried to lose myself in research and, when that didn’t work, in a bottle. With the iron ring, the magical effects of fae drink didn’t affect me, but the regular alcohol Bastian kept in his rooms was intoxicating once more. I even managed to sleep without any nightmares about poisoning people, so the iron was doing the trick.
But one morning, Bastian made time to have breakfast with me. I should’ve known it wouldn’t only be breakfast.
“Hold this.” He passed me an apple as we ate.
“You… could just put it on the table or your plate, you know.” I raised an eyebrow at the fruit’s bright red skin.
“Indulge me.” He narrowed his eyes, a hair’s breadth from rolling them.
I huffed and held it up, waving it side to side to show my obedience.
“As tight as you can.” He nodded at my plate. “You can continue eating—this is going to take a while.”
I screwed up my face, trying to decipher what this was about, but he gave no further explanation, so I gripped as hard as I could and speared a mushroom with my fork.
“Good.” He gave me a half smile, knowing what that tone of voice did to me. “I promise this has a purpose.”
“I’m dying to hear it.”
“I said I’d help you with your magic, didn’t I?”
I went still, clenching my jaw. This wasn’t something I had to worry about anymore.
“When you weren’t wearing that thing, you could feel it, right?”
Slowly, I nodded and glanced at the apple. “The Lady of the Lake said I held on too tight. I did hear her, and I tried letting go. It got a lot of people killed.” I frowned at him. “Why does this feel like a trap?”
“It isn’t, Kat. I just… I want you to understand what you can do—how it works. And why.” He peered at me over his coffee cup, a plea in his eyes.