I paused, hand on the handle. “Why?”
“I can’t keep taking your memories forever. It damages the mind to have gaps.”
I laughed darkly. “You’re telling me.”
Hadn’t I lived half my life with a yawning gap in my memories? The empty space had haunted me, little shards of that night poking through until it had all come back.
What I’d forgotten had haunted me, and now the memory of Elthea’s treatments did the same. I couldn’t win.
44
Kat
Despite Kaliban’s warnings, the next few days were good—great even. My routine resumed. Archery and self-defence with Faolán. Magic training with Ari. What she tried to teach me didn’t work, but I took what Kaliban had shown me with the fire and applied it to whatever was nearby. It calmed my mind and made the stains on my fingers recede. Much better than trying to squash the power down.
It made more sense than his comments about letting go. That sounded a lot like losing control, and the haze had come off me when I’d been utterly out of control. Daily practice with the fire—that seemed my best bet. Maybe this was as good as it got, and I just needed to hold out for a cure.
In the afternoons, I read and took notes, searching for anything that might be related to the Circle of Ash. It shouldn’t matter, but the new bouquet of roses in my room were a rich, deep pink that made me smile every time I saw them. A scrap of something.
Meanwhile, things between me and Bastian were… complicated.
Shocking, I know.
We weren’t arguing. In fact, we were playful and friendly—flirtatious even—but there seemed to be a forcefield around us that neither of us dared cross. We sat on opposite sides of the table in his dining room. We took separate armchairs in the sitting room. He didn’t enter my bedroom and I had yet to see his.
It was all perfectly safe.
Though my body grew tight and empty at once, like I wore an ill-fitting skin.
To combat that, the day before the Solstice, for Ella’s birthday, I arranged a lunchtime poker party, followed by an afternoon theatre trip and dinner at Moonsong Spire. A fun distraction with my friends and no Bastian.
Although he had the afternoon off ahead of a busy Solstice festival, he gave me space and went to Rose and Faolán’s. Meanwhile, I put the finishing touches to our suite and waited for Rose, Ella, Perry, and Ariadne to arrive.
I decorated the space with oversized playing cards and red, white, and black flowers from a florist near Kaliban’s. （I’d also taken the opportunity to drop off food for him and the new tin of shoe polish he’d requested.） I placed the last lemon tart on the cake stand, stirred the jug of fruit punch and stood back.
Too much food for five people.
Probably more decoration than a card party required.
But… I kind of didn’t care.
The frothy white hydrangeas made me smile. The card designs were silly—I’d copied them from the deck of cards we would play with tonight, but I’d added little touches that made the different characters look like people we knew. I hadn’t really thought about it when I’d made Bastian the King of Spades and me the Queen, but…
It still looked good. And tonight, I was going to have fun.
Ella squealed and begged to have the picture showing her as the Queen of Hearts. Perry laughed, especially when she found herself as the Knight of Diamonds. Ariadne cooed over the stack of macarons. And Rose stared at it all, smile the broadest I’d ever seen it.
As we sat with plates piled high with cakes （the best I’d ever eaten） and the golden-brown sausage rolls Rose had brought, Ella cleared her throat. “We need a toast.”
Rose paused with a sandwich halfway to her mouth. At Ella’s nod, she placed it back on her plate.
“We may have both been fooled by someone we trusted…” She held my gaze as her chin dipped, and the gleam in her eye said she was thinking of unCavendish and what he’d done to us both. “But that prick brought us two together, and if not for that, I’d never have met all of you, either.” She turned her smile upon the rest of the table, infecting us each in turn. “To friendships forged in shitty circumstances.”
Laughing, I clinked glasses with everyone.
Between eating sandwiches and cakes and toasting to the birthday girl, the poker began and Rose told us about the first fae party she’d attended—in a haunted house, no less. Ella grilled her about everything she’d seen.
Eventually, she sat back. “Toes? Really? I don’t believe it’s possible.”
Rose chuckled. “I suppose it depends how long his toes are.”
A pink cast to her amber-toned cheeks, Ari placed a bet. “Do you think those two are talking about this stuff, too?”
“I can’t picture Faolán talking about sex.” I raised an eyebrow at Rose.
She huffed out of her nose as she matched Ella’s bet. “There’s a little tension between them at the moment, so I hope they’re talking about that. Knowing them, though, they’re probably drinking and complaining about work.”
“Tension?” Perry cocked her head, cards forgotten.
Rose shot me a quick, stiff glance. “Oh, you know how it is. They’re just—”
“It’s all right.” I shrugged. “You can say it. Faolán’s grumpy—well, grumpier than usual—because of what happened in Lunden between Bastian and me and the fact I’m married.”
Ari’s eyes went wide. “Oh.”
“Bastian told me when you woke, and… I may have deliberately not mentioned it to Faolán.” Rose winced. “I knew he’d react that way. It’s a strange hangup—treating marriage as sacred.”
“Hmph.” Ella glared at her cards. “If only human men did the same.”
She’d mentioned her marriage only in the most general terms. I got the impression she was sadder about her husband’s death than I would be about Robin’s.
I eyed her as the conversation went on.
“It applies to engagement, too.” Ari nodded, closing her fan of cards. “I managed to capitalise on that to get Ly out of some trouble.” Her gaze skipped to one side as she gave a small smile.
“Where do they stand on divorce?” A frown scored its way between Perry’s eyebrows. Her eyes were on her cards, but didn’t rove across them, as though she didn’t really see them.
“Kat’s already tried for a divorce.” Ella huffed. “Are you sure we can’t just kill him off?”
“I didn’t mean Kat’s,” Perry murmured.
Every pair of eyes turned to her.
I lowered my cards. “Are you married?”
“I was once. Not anymore.” She chewed her lip, and Ella pulled the cards from her hands and placed them on the table. “Who’s been topping up my drink?” She frowned at the half-emptied glass of shocking orange punch.
“You’ve already started spilling.” Ella shrugged. “No sense in stopping now.”
Perry snorted and drained her drink, then held out the glass. “Well, I’m going to need more of this.”
Rose obliged while Ari fetched a cake stand and placed it before Perry. I clasped my hands, conscious that I wasn’t wearing my gloves, since they’d stopped me from shuffling the deck.