“Leave a voicemail, then,” I whispered.
She looked hesitant for a second and then said, “Hey, Allegra, it’s me. Look … I wish you’d pick up, but since I have a feeling you won’t …” She exhaled shakily. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I really am. But you need to know you’re hurting me too. I”—her fingers curled sharply into my knee but I didn’t mind—“I didn’t know that your love for me depended on me giving you everything you want, but I guess that’s true. Every time I tell you I love you and you don’t say it back …” Her face crumpled and she sucked in a breath. My heart lurched, and I grabbed her hand. “It just … it hurts. It reminds me of all the times Mamma withheld those words unless I acted like she wanted me to act. She does that to you, too, so you know how it feels. I’ve always tried to be more for you than a big sister … but maybe I fucked up. Maybe I hurt you and so you want to hurt me back. I don’t know. I just wish you’d talk to me.” She disconnected suddenly and looked up at me with shimmering eyes. “Oh, fuck, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m the grown-up. I’m not supposed to burden her with my feelings.”
I tugged on Aria’s hand until she stood and pulled her between my legs so I could hug her to me. She looked so sad and lost as she rested her palms on my chest, and I wondered if she could feel how fast my pulse raced. “You’re not her parent, Aria. You’re her big sister. Stop trying to protect everyone’s feelings, including your own, and let yourself feel whatever the fuck it is you feel.” Then I kissed her, pouring my emotions into the kiss until she melted in my arms and kissed me back with a hunger that ignited my blood. It took everything within me to gentle our embrace, to pull back, slow down, and just offer comfort.
Finally, I released her. She panted as she stared at me in round-eyed surprise. Almost as if she felt everything I wanted to say in that kiss. But it scared me to push too soon. So I smiled, caressed her lip with my thumb, and promised, “It’s all going to be okay.”
Twenty-One
ARIA
It had been exactly twenty-six hours since I sent that voicemail to my sister, and I’d heard nothing from her. Not even a text. No more posts from the South of France on her socials. Nada.
My gut had only stopped churning while I hung out with North last night, but as soon as he wasn’t around to distract me, I was back to my gut gnawing anxiously. Even though North assured me it wasn’t, I couldn’t help but worry that it was wrong of me to put my emotions on Allegra. As much as I loved my mother and father, I finally had to admit to myself that they’d never been the most stable sources of love. I knew my dad adored me and he’d even taken my side against Mamma, but he’d also chosen her feelings over mine on many other occasions, and he’d spent a good portion of our lives not physically there.
As for Mamma, if I was honest with myself … she’d made me feel unworthy of love as much as she’d made me feel loved. It was confusing. And I hadn’t ever dared to admit it to myself, but … I couldn’t trust her. I couldn’t trust her love.
But Allegra … as a little girl, her whole being lit up when I walked through the door. She’d showered me in adoration and love without wanting anything but my love in return, and it had healed something within me. Her love was the reason I’d stayed in LA when I wanted to leave. That was the truth. And I no longer felt resentment now that I could admit that I’d stayed as much for myself as for her.
So having her take that one pure source of love away from me … it didn’t just hurt, it fucking killed. She wasn’t a kid anymore. She could inflict damage, and that scared the shit out of me.
My work phone rang, yanking me out of my maudlin musings. The screen told me it was security. After North’s public statement, the paps promptly disappeared from the estate gates and things had been quiet the last week. “Aria speaking.”
“Ms. Howard.” Jock insisted on formality. “We have Jared McCulloch, Sarah McCulloch’s cousin, at the gate, asking permission to enter.”
I frowned. “For what reason?”
“I’m afraid he’s got some bad news for Sarah.”
My heart raced in sympathy for Jared McCulloch as soon as I met him in the reception hall. I’d seen the young farmer in passing in the village and knew from Sloane, who knew from the Adair women, that Jared was a bit of a ladies’ man. He’d arrived in Ardnoch four years ago to live with his grandfather Collum McCulloch and his cousin Sarah. Collum McCulloch’s family had farmed the land north of Ardnoch for generations. The McCullochs had insisted for centuries that they used to own land south of Ardnoch that bordered Adair land. It wasn’t a huge piece of property, but it was coastal.
It was Adair land now, and Lachlan’s members, including myself, had homes on it.
The farm still existed northwest of the village. Apparently, things had been frosty between Lachlan and Collum but had eased somewhat a few years ago when Collum saved Lachlan’s and Robyn’s lives. It wasn’t friendly by any means, but I knew Lachlan respected Collum.
Now his grandson’s handsome face was etched in haggard, restrained grief.
“We’ve called Sarah down. She’s on her way. I’m very sorry for your loss.”
Jared nodded, swallowing hard, and I did him the courtesy of not forcing him to speak.
“This way.” I turned on my heel and heard him following me as we passed two lounging members who stared at us in curiosity. Jared was dressed in jeans, muddy boots, and a plaid shirt with a padded vest. Glancing over my shoulder, my heart twinged at how lost and dazed he looked.
The staff elevator was just beyond the dining room where a few members sat, including North and Theo. North happened to look up as I passed, and I saw his smile turn into a frown as I marched on.
We stopped at the elevator just as the doors opened to reveal a concerned-looking Sarah and a white-faced Agnes who’d gone upstairs to fetch her.
“Agnes, can you take Jared and Sarah to your office?”
“No.” Sarah stepped out of the elevator, her jaw set with uncharacteristic stubbornness as she stared at her cousin. Her cheeks drained of color. “No.” The word turned to a plea.
Jared made a hoarse sound and bridged the distance between them. He yanked her roughly into his arms. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he forced out. “Granda’s gone.”
“No,” she whimpered, shaking her head frantically. “No.”
“I’m so sorry.” Jared visibly forced back tears.
“No!” A wail of grief exploded out of Sarah as her knees buckled, and I covered my mouth to hold in an empathetic sob, tears blurring my vision as Jared held her up. He crushed her to him as she sobbed loudly against his chest.
I knew from Agnes that Sarah’s mother had died when Sarah was a little girl and Collum raised her. She’d lost more than a grandfather when Collum McCulloch died of a heart attack that morning. She’d lost the only real parent she’d had.
A touch at my hand startled me, and I turned to find North and Theo at my side, clearly drawn from the dining room by Sarah’s cries. “Her grandfather died,” I whispered.