We stand there for a long while, silent—both of us afraid to move, because when we do, this will end. But there isn’t anything else to say, so I force myself to focus on each step I take away from him instead of turning back to him again.
Logan
It doesn’t take long to reach my dad’s manor a few hours after Mattie leaves. He lives about thirty minutes away, up in the Hills. It’s funny that I almost never see him. I don’t run into him around town or on sets. He never visits me, and I never visit him. He has another life, separate from mine, where he hosts industry events and works on his action films. I never see him, but he still takes up so much space in my life.
His house is the basic white modern-style mansion clinging to the side of a cliff, an infinity pool in view as I make my way up the drive. I get to the gates and enter the passcode. The gates slowly slide open, and I speed onto the gravel.
When I ring the doorbell, a light blinks at me. My dad is on the other side of the camera, considering whether he wants to let me in. After what feels like a full minute, the door buzzes. I swing it open and let it shut behind me. I walk into the open living room space that’s designed for parties and head to the balcony to look over the cityscape—the Hills and the skyline of the skyscrapers in the far distance.
There’re footsteps behind me. My dad is tall, handsome—dark hair and eyes, salt-and-pepper strands. He’s wearing a casual white shirt and slacks. “You didn’t say you were coming over,” he tells me.
I look back out at the city. I’m not even sure I’m going to miss it. “I came to say goodbye.”
“Going somewhere?”
I nod. “Yeah. I’ve decided to check into a facility.”
“Rehab again?” He sounds disgusted.
“That’s a part of it. It’s supposed to focus on mental health.” I swallow, then force myself to say, “Survivors of sexual abuse and assault, among other things.”
I chance a look at him. He narrows his eyes. I’ve never spoken to him about this before. I’ve never discussed how he would leave me with execs and actors he needed money from when I was a kid. He had to know what would happen, right? He just didn’t care.
“Survivor of sexual abuse and assault,” he repeats. “That’s dramatic, isn’t it?”
I lean against the railing. “Pretty sure I figured out why you never talk to me about it. Why you want to downplay what happened.” He blinks at me. Usually, I just take whatever he says silently. “You’re too ashamed. Right? That has to be it. Who wouldn’t be ashamed, knowing they abandoned their kid to be raped?”
“You weren’t raped,” he says.
“You weren’t fucking there. You can’t tell me what happened.”
He turns away. He’s in denial. I didn’t even consider that possibility. Maybe he managed to convince himself that I wasn’t going to be hurt when he left me behind. Maybe, somehow, he twisted shit around in his head so he could think my rape wasn’t so bad.
“I did what I had to do for my family,” he says, when he turns back to me. “For you. And because of—” He can’t even finish the sentence. “Now, you’re living in luxury, and you want to complain? Come here with these accusations?”
“I’m not accusing you of anything. Just letting you know that I’m leaving.”
“You’re acting like a piece of shit.”
Maybe it’s because of his own shame that he attacks me every time he sees me, to distract from how horrific he was to let people hurt me when he was supposed to protect me instead.
“I’m moving,” I tell him. “I won’t be in the apartment anymore.”
He snorts. “You won’t last a week. You’ll spend all your fucking money on drugs. After this shit with Briggs Stevenson, do you think anyone’s going to hire you? You’ll come crawling back to me.”
“No, I won’t,” I tell him. “I’ve decided I don’t want anything else to do with you. I dropped off the car. Everything in the apartment is yours, technically. This is the last time we speak to each other.”
He outright laughs now. “Who the fuck do you—”
“Don’t call me anymore, telling me that I’m a piece of shit,” I tell him. “I don’t want any more contact.”
“You’re something else, you know that?”
“If you contact me again, I’m going to tell everyone how you used to drop me off at your friends’ houses for sleepovers where I got raped.”
He shuts his mouth. The frown grows grim. I feel a flinch of fear. He could always kill me. That’d take care of his problem. A part of me still wants to believe that he would never purposefully hurt me. That he loves me. Maybe he does, but it wouldn’t matter in the end. He hasn’t shown me the love I needed from him. Ever. Loving someone and treating them like shit is something I learned from him, I guess.
I want to believe that I deserve more. That I could one day be the kind of person who would welcome someone like Matt into my life. Where I don’t fuck up the relationship out of fear, and go looking for people who will hurt me, again and again. I don’t know how to change yet. But that’s the next journey I get to look forward to.
“I’m leaving now,” I tell him. “Goodbye.”
I’m practically hyperventilating by the time I make it back outside, past the car and the gates and down the sloping pathway into the street. I pull out my phone. This was technically bought by my dad, too. Fuck. I’ll really have to do an inventory and deep clean to get rid of everything bought by him. I get to the Uber app and type in the address. I keep looking over my shoulder with spikes of fear, terrified my dad will follow me down the road, screaming abusive shit at me again, but he never comes.
The car pulls up. The driver frowns at me from the front seat. He eyes me for a second, and I know he recognizes me, but maybe Uber drivers deal with celebrities all the time. “La Jolla?” he says. “Really?”
I get into the back, slamming the door shut. I didn’t bring a duffel or anything. The clinic said to come empty-handed. “Yeah. Really.”
Inside Hollywood Blog
Publicity for the film ‘Write Anything’ has begun, with its stars gracing the covers of various magazines and appearing at events leading up to the film’s release. Matthew Cole has taken the brunt of the publicity with a promotional tour alongside castmates Julie Rodriguez, Keith Mackey, Scott Anders, and Monica Meyers. Most notably missing is lead actor Logan Gray. Inside sources say that Gray has checked into the Blue Skies Mental Wellness and Rehabilitation Clinic near San Diego.
Interviewers have remarked on how well Cole has been handling the stress of the promo tour. He says that he has had plenty of support from his castmates, especially Rodriguez, whom Cole says he is happy to call a friend. While many are disappointed Gray will not be in attendance for the promotional tour or the film’s red-carpet premiere, it seems Cole will be just fine on his own.
Film Critics Magazine
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Romance: Matthew Cole sat with our editor Kate Anderson for an interview about the film “Write Anything.”