And now things have … changed. It’s confusing, but all is well for now.
I stay at the party for several hours, just to observe how everyone is integrating. Those from the Seventeen Isles may not know the language of the Drifta, but that doesn’t stop them from dancing together. Threydan’s shadow has been cast over them since the day they were born. While they don’t know us well, we freed them from being prisoners to that island forever. That’s a cause worth celebrating over.
Even old Warran smiles now and again and claps along when he thinks no one is looking. Jadine, who must be the closest to his age among all my crew, pulls him into a swinging dance that he doesn’t refuse.
When I’ve judged that I’ve stayed long enough, I return to my quarters. Neither Warran nor Dynkinar has tried to fight me for them, so I take that as a good sign that they’ve decided I’ve earned them. Thank goodness, because I desperately need some time alone.
With the undead following me for who knows how long, I need to be somewhere I can breathe and be unobserved for once.
And then someone is at the door, yet again.
“I wish to sleep,” I say, “so unless it’s urgent, you can return another time.”
The footsteps retreat.
But I recognize that gait, so I rush to the door and open it.
Kearan halts at the sound with his back to me.
“You can come in,” I say. “I thought you were someone else.”
“Are you expecting someone else?” he asks as he turns.
“Only people who need things from me.”
“What makes you think I don’t need anything?”
I am not used to this. There is a charge in the air, something building that will eventually reach its limit and then … something will happen.
I don’t know how to answer that, so I just step aside, a silent invitation for him to enter.
He takes it.
I shut the door before going to the fireplace, striding right past him. “Having gone only a few days without it, I suddenly find myself addicted to the heat.”
“That’ll pass once we’re back in the tropics, I imagine.”
“Perhaps.”
At the silence that fills the room, I ask, “Why did you leave earlier?”
“You needed to heat up.”
Yes, and I thought he’d intended to help with that.
“You were covered in blood from head to foot,” he adds.
Ah, I suppose I was rather filthy. “That’s all?” I ask.
“No, but that’s all you need to know of it.”
I glance over my shoulder, find his heated stare on my face. Any thoughts I might have had about his intentions quickly fall away.
“Why?” I ask.
“The rest of it doesn’t paint me in a very kind light.”
I laugh lightly. “I showed you all of my dark spaces. Do you really think you could say anything to scare me?”
“Aye, I do. But since you asked—” He approaches the fire until he stands beside me. He raises his hands to touch the heat with his fingertips. “I also left so I wouldn’t do something stupid. You were shivering and covered in so much blood, but I wanted you all the same. Would have taken whatever you offered right in that moment and relished in it. Then Jadine appeared and reminded me what a brute I was being, taking no heed of your own well-being. I left to collect my head.”
I swallow. “I see you cleaned up yourself.”
“Nothing like cold water to clear a man’s head and turn his mind to better thoughts.”
“I see.”
He’s not so close to me that our shoulders brush. But I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to.
“Why did you think I left?” he asks.
“I honestly had no idea. You might have guessed that I have no experience when it comes to these kinds of things.”
He turns, rotating his body to face me. “What kinds of things are those?”
“You know all too well,” I say, keeping my face on the fire.
“Aye, but I want to hear you say it.”
“You’re not going to.”
“That’s a shame.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“You’re doing it right now. You’re talking to me. Though I admit it might be better for the both of us if you’d deign to look at me, too.”
I turn only my head to meet his eyes.
“There’s no right or wrong way to do this. Just talk to me, and I’ll talk to you. That’s all we need. Honesty and communication. The rest we can figure out along the way.”
I feel restless, so I reach for a knife and start twirling it about. “I’ve spent my whole life hating men. I don’t know how to suddenly start liking one.”
“That can’t be true. What about Wallov?”
“Wallov is the exception, and only because I’ve observed him so closely with his daughter. You have to understand, aside from my father, my experiences with men have been limited to the man who slaughtered my family, the boys on the streets who preyed on little girls, and the pirate king—who abused Alosa beyond my comprehension.”
There’s also what happened to Niridia, but that’s not my story to tell.
“My point is,” I continue, “that I’m used to seeing evil in men. I looked high and low for it in you, but I couldn’t find it. So I thought to scare you off by showing you the evil in me. That didn’t work, either.”
He smiles softly. “You gave it your best effort to prevent us from happening. I commend you for it.”
I fight off a laugh. Kearan’s eyes trace my lips, taking in my smiles like they’re sunshine.
“I don’t like that it was you who made me see I shouldn’t be so hard on myself,” I say. “Alosa tried to tell me. Mandsy and Niridia both tried. But I never told them the full story. I don’t think I could believe it until someone knew the whole truth of it. I don’t like that it was finally you. A man. I don’t need a man to prove anything to me.”
He takes some time to process that. “The thing is that you love Alosa and those girls you fought with. Their good opinions mean the world to you. I was expendable. My good opinion wasn’t something you wanted. You lost nothing by telling me.”
“No, instead I gained everything, including a desire for you to think well of me.”
And more importantly, a reason to think well of myself.
“It’s all right to need a little help sometimes,” he says. “You must realize that you helped me long before I helped you. Or have you forgotten? If anything, I owed you one.”
The drinking. I was what made him finally stop and take back his life.
I had forgotten. I’d been too caught up in accepting so much from him. But I saved him just as much as he ever saved me.
That’s what a partnership looks like.
That’s what love looks like.
That word still makes me uncomfortable. I can’t say that I’m ready for it yet. But I am ready to see where this goes. To try. To open myself to someone who will not think less of me for being me.
“Almost forgot,” Kearan says. He goes to the floor where I discarded his coat before climbing into the bath. He reaches into one of the many pockets and pulls out the last thing I’d expected to see.