Swallowing, I attempt to hold back the emotions that want to escape, but they’re on the verge, and it’s getting too difficult to restrain them. “Are you embarrassed by me?” my voice cracks on the last word, making it almost inaudible.
Finally, Zanders’ stoic expression melts as he takes a quick stride towards me, his tone frantic. “Stevie, absolutely not—”
I hold my hands up in front of me, wanting to maintain my distance and keep him from coming any closer.
“The last word I would ever use to describe the way I feel about you is embarrassed.” His eyes are pleading for me to believe him. “I was so proud to be with you.”
Was.
“Why are you doing this?”
Again, he doesn’t answer as he stays still, staring at me, silently begging me to accept it.
“Answer me!”
“Because I can’t change! I can’t change who I am or how people view me. This reputation is going to follow me around for the rest of my career, and I refuse to bring you down with it.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I’m telling you the truth!”
“No, you’re telling me a version of the truth. But the real truth is, you could start being honest about who you are. You could stop with the act, but you won’t because you’re afraid you’ll end up on a different team. You’re worried that if you let fans see the real you, they won’t like it, and Chicago won’t re-sign you, is that it?”
I don’t know why I’m asking. I already know.
I shake my head at him in disappointment as a disbelieving laugh escapes me. “You’re a coward, EZ.”
His eyes dart to me. “Do not call me EZ. That’s not me.”
“Is it not? Because that’s the role you seem hell-bent on playing. Easy to manipulate. Easy to control.”
Zanders’ act completely crumbles in front of me. The emotions he typically wears on his sleeve have been hidden since he came over, but finally, they make an appearance. He’s defeated, and for a man that commands every room, he’s small in this apartment.
“Stevie, I’ll be alone if I have to move teams.” His powerful voice breaks. “My family is here, and I’ve lost my family before. I’ve been alone, and I can’t go through it again.”
“You never would’ve been alone. I would’ve followed you anywhere.”
Confusion colors Zanders’ face. “No, you wouldn’t have. Ryan is here. The shelter is here. There’s no way you’d leave.”
“I would’ve followed you anywhere, but you never asked.”
Guilt is evident in his expression, as if he’s rethinking his decision. A shocked breath hitches in his chest as his eyes stay locked on mine.
Zanders slowly steps my way, and this time, I let him. I don’t stop him when he opens his arms and wraps them around my shoulders with his crushing hold.
Burying my head into his chest, I inhale his scent, trying to memorize it for when he goes, but at the same time, I hold out hope that it’ll be unnecessary because there won’t be days without him.
His soft lips slowly dot kisses up my neck and across my jaw, each one burning my skin with the thought that it could be the last time I feel them. His kiss lingers slightly longer on my cheek as I melt into his touch, needing him to want me. Love me.
Choose me.
I need him to change his mind. Part of me is convinced I can feel him changing his mind in the way he’s holding me. Like he’ll never let go, and I’d be perfectly okay with that.
He places one more desperate kiss on the corner of my lips, and I know that’s it.
“I’m sorry, Vee,” he whispers as my heart shatters, any hope I had, lost.
With that, he lets go, turning his back on me to walk out of my apartment.
“Why’d you let me fall in love with you?” I call out from across the room as the tears begin to fall down my cheeks without permission.
That causes Zanders to pause partway to the front door, his back to me.
“You said I was your first choice, and I believed you.”
Zanders’ back vibrates with a strangled breath before he quickly wipes his sleeve across his face and leaves my apartment.
As soon as the door closes behind him, every emotion I wasn’t doing a good job of hiding comes flooding to the surface, overwhelming me as I curl up on the couch, allowing the pain of what I just lost to wash over me.
43
STEVIE
I should’ve called out sick from work today. It wouldn’t have been a lie. Heartbreak has settled into my body, and I think it might be the worst sickness of all.