“Lizzie, I—”
“Or,” Lizzie said, putting up a palm, “you can toss it away. It’s none of my business what you do with it.” Lizzie fished in her pocket and pulled out a slip of paper, slapping it on the counter. “And we won’t say another word about it tonight. Instead, I’m gonna grab this cake, and we’re gonna lie on your couch and find a Henry Cavill movie to mentally masturbate to while pretending to watch it for the plot.”
Lizzie popped two forks into her mouth, then scooped up the cake tray and took a step toward the living room.
“Lizzie,” Harper said, reaching out and putting a hand on her friend’s elbow.
Lizzie raised her eyebrows.
“Thank you,” Harper said, meaning it more than her friend could know.
Lizzie smiled against the forks and leaned in, pressing their foreheads together before leaving the kitchen.
Harper stared at the paper on the counter, Lizzie’s words humming through her. Without leaving enough time to talk herself out of it, she snatched it up, pulled out her phone, and dialed the number.
CHAPTER 38
HARPER
MAY
Slowly, life started to feel a little better for Harper. While months of compounded pain and longing still held permanent residence in her heart, the hurt turned a little duller with the combination of Prozac and sunshine.
By the time graduation rolled around at the end of May, Harper truly believed she’d be okay. Therapy was helping her find a balance of medications and mental exercises to get her to a better place. She was slowly shedding the layers of shame and grief and internalized ableism that held her captive. It wasn’t easy. It took backbreaking work to rewrite the narrative of her mind, to learn to be gentle with herself. But if Harper was anything, she was a hard worker.
Gradually, she was learning to let go of her mother, realizing that freeing herself from the pain of it allowed her to feel closer to her memory than ever before. Which is why, on the morning of her graduation, as she sipped coffee and scratched Judy’s head, thinking about everything that had happened, every step that had led to this milestone, she was able to smile, knowing her mom was with her.
The one person that wouldn’t be with her, though, was Dan. And she felt his absence like a phantom limb—she’d learned to function without it, but that didn’t mean she didn’t long for it.
“I miss him, Judy,” Harper whispered as she gently rubbed the cat’s chin. “So much. How can it still hurt this much?”
Judy blinked at Harper.
“I can’t call him,” Harper said, moving to stroke down Judy’s long body. “What would I even say? I was so awful … I pushed him too far to ever hope he’d forgive me.”
Judy nuzzled against Harper’s knee, purring lightly. “Oh, Judy, you dirty flatterer. You only think he would because you love me.” Harper placed a kiss on her cat’s giant head, then looked out the window with a sigh.
She no longer blamed Dan for trying to help her, trying to free her from the shame she kept herself shackled with, but she felt so much remorse for how she’d treated him, she didn’t think he’d want to hear from her.
And she still held on to a little bit of that hurt, a little bit of that feeling that he’d left her. That she was unwanted. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t let that sharp fragment of feeling go.
She pressed her forehead against the windowpane, her stomach sinking lower and lower, back into that gentle rhythm of sadness, when a knock sounded at the door.
In a swirl of giggles and hair spray, Thu, Indira, and Lizzie burst into her apartment, Lizzie’s arms overflowing with containers of cupcakes and bottles of champagne.
“What do you think of my new dress?” Lizzie asked, strutting across the tiny living room a few minutes later with a coffee mug of champagne held in one hand. Although Lizzie wasn’t a student, she’d been gushing with so much excitement for her friends that they all joked she should be getting an honorary degree.
“It’s so short, I can almost see your vagina,” Thu said, carefully swiping on her mascara in front of a pocket mirror.
“I know!” Lizzie beamed, doing a twirl. “Isn’t it perfect?”
Indira, whose commencement had been the week prior, let out a whooping laugh, spanking Lizzie on the butt as she passed by her to get more champagne.
Their smiles and love didn’t leave much room for Harper’s sadness after that.
The rest of the morning passed in a blur. Three curling iron burns, twelve mimosas, one broken dress strap, and two outbreaks of group tears later, they were headed to the school for the last time.