“Amina’s not going either,” I pointed out.
“But she’s Muslim.”
“Her dad is Muslim. And Stella’s an atheist.”
I wish I had stood my ground. This terrible regret I have had to live with. Why did I let her go?
Adam had finally started loosening the reins and becoming gradually more permissive and sensible in his relationship with Stella, and I wasn’t eager to cause a setback. So despite my misgivings, I gave in and, when I saw the joy on Stella’s face, I thought I had made the right decision.
Later, when Adam called from camp and tried to explain what had happened, what that pig had done to our little girl … At first I couldn’t put it all together. I had just arrived on the evening flight from Stockholm.
“You’re at the confirmation camp? What are you doing there?”
Adam rambled something about responsibility and how the reason didn’t matter right now.
“Do you realize what has happened?” he shouted through the phone. “Stella was raped.”
My head was spinning. The phone trembled against my ear.
“You have to call the police. Take her to the hospital, Adam.”
His response was evasive.
“Adam! It’s crucial that she be examined by a doctor.”
“We’ll talk about it later. We’re on our way home now.”
I was sitting at the kitchen table when the car sped into the driveway. I ran out; my head was about to burst.
Stella landed in my embrace and I carried her into the house as if she were five years old again. She sat in the kitchen, paralyzed, her face devoid of emotion.
I cried and hammered my fists against Adam’s chest.
“How could this happen?”
“Calm down,” Adam said, holding my arms tight.
“Why didn’t you call the police? Why did you come home?”
He didn’t want to look at me.
“What were you doing there? Were you spying on Stella?”
“It’s my job.”
“Your job?” He hadn’t said a word about visiting the camp. “I’m calling the police.”
I pulled my phone from its case, but Adam grabbed it from me.
“Hold on! It’s not as simple as you think.”
“What do you mean, it’s not simple?”
He glanced at Stella and gestured at me to follow him into the hall. He lowered his voice.
“Stella went with Robin to the counselors’ cabin. It even seems like she initiated it.”
I couldn’t believe my ears.
“She initiated it?”
“Some of the other confirmands said that she was planning to seduce him.”
“Seduce? Can you hear yourself? She’s fifteen.”
“Of course. I’m not defending Robin.”
“Then what are you saying?”
He took my shoulders and gazed at me with sorrow in his eyes.
“I guarantee that he will never, ever get another job with the Church of Sweden.”
“But?”
“But moving forward with this … it will only hurt us. Hurt Stella.”
A void opened up inside me.
“We have to, Adam. We have to!”
He shook his head.
“Everyone will find out. People will judge her. She’ll have to live with this forever.”
My head was spinning. I gave a harsh cough, scared I might throw up. To some extent, I understood Adam’s point. I myself had defended men accused of rape. I myself had posed all those unpleasant questions to the victim, about clothing, alcohol, previous experience, and sexual preferences. In some cases, I really had doubted the victim’s account. In others, I had only been doing my job.
“She’s a victim,” I said, sobbing over the sink. “None of the guilt here belongs to her.”
“I know, honey. Of course she’s not guilty of anything. But the rape happened, and we can’t change that. All we can do now is protect her so this doesn’t get any worse.”
He put his arms around me and I burrowed into his chest. Our hearts were racing, completely out of sync.
So this is how our lives turned out, I thought at the time.
Now I think there’s still a chance to change it. There’s still a chance to save our family, to be the mother I always wanted to be, a mother who would do anything to protect her child.
103
On Sunday the second of September, the same day that the police technicians searched our home, Adam was brought in for initial questioning. I had begged him to remain strong, to weigh each word carefully. Meanwhile I was contemplating how much to reveal to him. There could be no doubt Adam was prepared to walk through the fires of hell for Stella, but in this case I suspected that his unshakeable morals would weigh him down like a burdensome cross on his back.