Dr. Evans slumps down to the ground and stares dazedly at the wires from the shock box.
“Are you okay?” Garth asks in the lobby.
“I think so.” I’m trying to sparse through my emotions. I feel less like a wilted flower, but mostly, I just can’t stop breathing so quickly. I rub my wrist. Yep, I’m in shock.
“Back home?” he wonders.
“Can we make a stop first?”
He nods and we drive a few blocks over to another high-rise. My hands still shake, but they also feel a little disconnected from the rest of my body. When we arrive at the office, I knock on the door, my breathing on a slow descent.
The door swings open, revealing a woman with a black bob and warm smile. I haven’t seen her in almost two months. I don’t realize how much I missed her until her arms are around my shoulders, and mine are around hers. Tears prick my eyes.
“Oh, Lily,” she says, “we have lots to talk about.”
Yes, we do. I know what good guidance looks like now, and I’ll never let it go.
I wipe my eyes, about to tell her that I want to reinstate our sessions. But something else tumbles from my mouth. “Do you think I can call you Allison?”
“I’d like that very much.”
{ 49 }
LOREN HALE
The plane lands in New York. I don’t go home. I end up at a parking lot of a local bar. Cold. Alone. Stuck with my own thoughts. It’s a dangerous game.
I grip the steering wheel, pain cutting through me like sharp knives. I can’t stop seeing Emily’s contorted face, one full of unease—uncomfortable, wishing I would just go the hell away. I lost my mother again, but that’s a stupid thought. I can’t lose something that I never had.
I pinch my eyes and scream, my throat burning. I need to run. I need to push these feelings away. I hear my father in the back of my head. I hear Emily. I hear the press, the media. You have everything, Loren. Why the fuck are you crying? Look around, what could you possibly be sad about?
Nothing. I’m not allowed to be upset, to feel anything but gratitude. I am privileged. I am rich. My eyes skim the bar, the OPEN sign flashing in neon blue. I am a rebellious new adult, needing attention. Right? That’s what this is. Alcohol will draw every eye to me, make people pity me. Make them feel sorry.
That’s not it, I think. Alcohol will drown my warring thoughts. Alcohol will shut out every voice in my head.
It will also fuck everything else up.
I don’t know what to do. I’m going out of my goddamn mind. I slam my palm into the steering wheel, another scream knotted in my throat, and the tears I stifled suddenly stream down my face. I couldn’t say no to my father, I couldn’t stop the leak, and my mother never really wanted me—not even now. I always fail. Always.
My hands tremble as I slip out my cell and dial a number quickly. I just want to hear her voice. I press my forehead against the wheel, no more energy to even keep my head upright.
“Where are you?” Lily asks with worry. “You were supposed to call hours ago. Your flight landed, right?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way home,” I lie.
“Are you still in New York? We can meet up for dinner,” she offers, probably not buying my lie.
“Why do you love me, Lil?”
“Lo, really, where are you?” Concern spikes in her voice.
“Just answer me.” I let out a long breath. “Please. Why do you love me?” I grip the phone harder, tears clouding my vision.
“When we were eleven, we were at your house, reading comics,” she says, and for some reason I know exactly which memory she’s trying to draw for me. We were on my bed, surrounded by several open and splayed X-Men comics, and we would read the same one at the same time. She’d wait patiently for me to hurry up, her eyes skimming the panels quickly while I soaked in each line, each bleed of color. “Do you remember?” she asks after a long pause.
“Yeah,” I say, my voice shaking.
“We both knew you were most like Hellion. You make the wrong choices, even when you know where the right ones lie.”
I nod to myself, tears spilling. I try to breathe a full breath, but the pain chokes me.
“But that day, you said you aspired to be Cyclops. Scott Summers was strong. He took care of everyone in the face of crisis. He was a man that people wanted by their side.” Her voice shakes too, like she’s near tears. “Lo,” she says, “you’ve made it. You’re my Scott Summers, and without you, I wouldn’t be here.”