I close my eyes and let that sink in. She doesn’t have to say, I love you because… The sentiment is attached to each and every word. She loves me because she believes I’m strong. She loves me because she’s a part of me.
She loves me because I’ve become a better man through all of this.
“Lo,” she continues. “Whatever Emily said, I need you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here when you come home. There will always be an us.”
“A Lo and Lily,” I breathe.
“Or Lily and Lo."
I smile. “Thank you.”
She pauses. “Do I have to say the rest?”
“No, but you can if you want.”
“Don’t fucking drink, Loren Hale,” she says sternly, but it comes off more cute than rigid. It works all the same.
“I love you, Lil.” I straighten up and wipe my eyes with the back of my arm.
“Are you coming home then?”
“I have to make a stop first.”
She sucks in a worried breath. “Lo.”
“Trust me,” I say.
“I love you too,” she tells me.
I turn on the ignition and let those words carry me.
***
I don’t remember the office being this cold or dark, but I walk in with purpose. I’m no longer sorry or sad. I’m fueled by something else, something darker and stronger that begins to eat at my core. It’s a demon that my father carries, the one where anger turns into vile words. The one where we stop being pathetic and we start being mean. I thought being sober would change me. Make this part of me vanish. But I realize it’s not only alcohol that powered my hate. It’s programmed inside of me from years and years of being raised by someone like him.
“You’re finally back,” Brian says, lounging behind the desk with this nonchalance that has always dug under my skin. “Did you get tired of ignoring my calls?”
“You were nothing, if not persistent,” I snap dryly, slumping down into the chair. I met Brian in rehab, and we discussed my life in grave detail. He was supposed to be my outpatient therapist, and I guess I kind of fucked that up when I stopped going to our sessions. Even more so when I stopped answering his calls.
“So why are you here, Lo?” He leans even further back in his chair.
“How do you not fucking hate me?” I ask in confusion.
“I assume you had a valid reason for skipping the session,” Brian says calmly, “and if not, then that’s on you.”
“I’m not talking about skipping sessions,” I snap. “How can you sit there and listen to my problems and not roll your eyes every two seconds?”
“Why would I do that?” He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look confused or upset. Brian is a blank slate that bounces my words right back at me. All this time, I thought he stared at me like I was this royal douchebag—that I was some loser he had to stomach. But I know I was projecting. I wanted him to hate me. I was begging for it because I’m not worthy of anyone’s compassion.
“I have more money than you will ever have in your lifetime,” I tell him. “You have to sit there and listen to me bitch about stupid shit for hours on end, and then I return home to my nice house with my nice car.”
“You think I should hate you because you have money and because I have to listen to your problems? Is that why you stopped coming?”
“No, I stopped coming because I couldn’t bear to stare at your ugly face any longer.”
He actually smiles at that. It’s genuine, which makes me feel like a bigger dick. He sets his pen on his desk and sits up. “I know you, Lo,” he reminds me. “We’ve talked for months, so I know that no one, especially your father, has ever told you this.”
“If this is your fortune cookie wisdom, you can save it.”
“Having money doesn’t make you an unfeeling automaton. You’re human. You can still have problems. The difference is that you have the ability to fix them. You just have to want to. Not everyone can receive the same help you can or afford the rehab facility you went to.” My stomach curdles at the truth. “But that doesn’t mean your recovery can’t be difficult. It doesn’t mean that what people say on TV or in the tabloids doesn’t hurt as much. You still bleed like the rest of us. You can cry. You can be upset. That right has not been taken from you.”
I stare dazedly at the ground.
“And Lo,” he continues. “I usually don’t offer my personal opinion to my patients, but I’m going to make an exception with you.”