“Lily,” Lo protests, jumping up with me. “Lily, your sister. Think about Rose.”
“I can’t,” I whisper, bolting towards the exit, leaving Connor between three empty seats. His usual content expression has fractured. He looks pissed.
Lo says, “Think about afterwards, Lily. Please.” I’ll feel horrible. Yes. But I can’t stop my feet from moving, or my breath from hitching. There’s a place so deep down, a compulsion that must be sustained. I need this. I need it more than breath, more than air, more than life itself.
It’s a stupid thought. One that makes no right-around sense. But it’s what drives me.
I pass my parents as they look on with confusion. Lo stays back to spout off some excuse, and I head outside. In the freedom of the city. In the parking lot where the cars line up like black dots.
I unlock Nola’s Escalade that my parents I’m sure used to get here. Thankfully she’s not inside. I slide in the backseat and hike up my dress. Before I do anything, the door opens, and Lo crawls in. He coarsely grabs my ankle and yanks me towards him. I’m lost to these feelings.
I’m lost to him.
*
When I come down from the high and after the stimulating hormones leave, everything rushes back and tears begin to burn. “What’s wrong with me?” I choke. I start to dress quickly, finding my bra littered on the Escalade floor. Lo moves at a much more sluggish pace, and he looks sick to his stomach.
“Lil,” he says softly and reaches out to touch my hand. I pull back instantly, too frantic and shamed for such comfort.
“No, we have to go before it ends. Maybe she won’t notice…” As I open the car door, people already begin to pool out into the darkened parking lot, swinging gift bags in their hands. What? It’s over? I missed the entire thing?!
“Lily…” His suit jacket is draped on his arm, and he hesitates a moment before placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Did you know the time?” I question. “Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I tried,” Lo breathes. He swallows hard, pained. “Lil, I tried about five times.”
“What?” I shake my head. “I don’t remember that. I don’t…”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay…” He brings me to his chest, wrapping his arms around me in a cocoon. “Shhh, Lil, it’s okay.”
No it’s not.
I should have stopped the first time. Why did I convince myself that this would be worth a high? I push him off, the guilt almost suffocating me. “No, no, I’ve got to apologize.” I slide my feet into my heels, trying to focus. It’ll be okay. I’ll make up some lie about food poisoning and then say a few sorrys and smooth everything over.
It’ll be fine.
My heart beats as loud as the crowd pouring through the glass double doors. I don’t have to walk far to find my parents. They’re already heading to the car with Poppy and Sam in tow.
They laugh and Poppy shows a picture to my mother on her Blackberry. When Poppy notices me approaching, her face falters and the expression passes between the four of them. My presence has sucked all joy from their features.
“I-I,” I stammer. “I didn’t feel well. I had stomach cramps and was really dizzy. I don’t think I ate enough. We thought there might be food in the car.”
My father turns to Sam, completely ignoring me. “I have a Fizzle report you should see.” He ushers Poppy’s husband away and gives Lo a long glare as he passes by.
I evade my mother, who is probably searing me with a look that could freeze over Florida. That leaves Poppy.
“Honestly, I didn’t feel well. I would never miss Rose’s fashion show.” The lie burns my throat.
Poppy’s eyes rise to my hair and I subconsciously flatten the wild strands. Lo touches the small of my back and I jerk away again.
“Your dress is wrinkled,” my mother tells me coldly before setting her eyes onto Lo. “Maybe try to control your hormones during family events.” What? No.
“Lo didn’t—”
“No, you’re right,” Lo interjects and I stare at him dumbly. “I’m sorry. It was the wrong time. It won’t happen again, Samantha.”
My mother processes his words for a small moment before she nods slightly. With pursed lips she passes us for the car. Poppy remains, disappointment coating her eyes. “Rose is inside, but I don’t think she wants to talk to you right now. Give her some time to cool down.”