Poppy leaves before I can say anything else. Not that I have anything other than another pathetic apology.
I can’t wait until tomorrow. It hurts too much to not at least confront her. I start towards the building but Lo grabs my wrist.
“What are you doing?”
“I have to talk to her.”
“Did you not just hear Poppy?” Lo says with wide eyes. “Let Rose calm the fuck down. Unless you want your heart ripped out.” Maybe I do. Maybe I deserve it.
Connor pushes open the glass doors with his shoulder, his hands preoccupied with texting. I bolt for him, and when he looks up, his face darkens.
“How is she?” I ask, glancing past him for a peek.
He steps in front of me, blocking me from any visual or entrance. “Not happy,” he says, his voice tight.
“Where’s Ryke?” Lo wonders with a frown.
“He left. He was sick.”
“I think it was something we ate,” I say.
Connor’s eyebrows furrow in disbelief. “Was that before or after you left to screw in the car?”
I stumble back from the blow to the gut. My shoulders hit Lo’s chest and this time I let him wrap an arm around my waist.
“Hey, back off, Connor,” Lo warns.
Connor barely blinks. “I’ve been around you both long enough to know that the bathroom breaks aren’t for synchronized bladder attacks. Which is fine. Your sex life is frankly none of my business.” He glances back at the building and then looks to me. “You should go,” he suggests.
“I want to apologize first.”
“Why?” Connor’s tone stays flat and edged. I’ve insulted him or disgusted him in some way. The one person I thought was unable to be repulsed by me.
“She needs to know I’m sorry.”
“She’s happy,” Connor tells me. “She sold her line to Macy’s and has an offer from H&M. Don’t ruin that by trying to make yourself feel better. Just leave, Lily.”
I don’t know what else to do. So I take the advice and disappear.
*
The next day I try calling Rose’s cell almost every hour with no luck. After my tenth attempt at reconciliation, I toss the phone onto the floor and scream into my pillow. This is why I don’t do family functions. This is why I don’t have friends. I disappoint everyone.
My door opens and I turn my back on Lo who shuffles inside. “She’ll forgive you, Lil. Maybe not me…but definitely you.”
I cringe. My mother thought his spiked hormones ruined the night, but it was all me. I hate that he’s taking the blame this time.
Lo sits on the foot of the bed and tentatively places a hand on my ankle. Instantly, I pull away and rise to the headboard. “I don’t…” I mutter.
His eyebrows bunch together in concern. “Do you want to quit?” And what? Be celibate? I don’t even know what quitting sex means. How do you quit something that’s engrained in human nature?
“Maybe. No. I don’t know.” Should I get rid of my porn? But what will happen a week from now when I realize this won’t work. I’ll just have to rebuy my entire stash. Not worth it.
“I’ll support you in whatever you decide,” Lo tells me.
Guilt stops me from having sex. Literally driving all of my hormones into a state of perpetual chastity. I bury my head into my knees. I need to make a decision, but I’ve been ping-ponging between choices. It was one mistake, spurned from being around my family. I just have to separate myself again. Distance. Once I apologize to Rose, I’ll back off and everything will return to normal. Clean and compartmentalized.
“I’m going to talk to Rose,” I decide. “Then we’ll have sex.”
He kisses my temple. “I’ll be here, love.” He nibbles my ear.
I grab a pillow and playfully whack him in the chest. He smiles but respects my wishes and stops from sexily wrestling it from me. In part he looks a bit relieved. I know I haven’t been the best company, all mopey and self-involved.
I slide from the bed. I’m going to confront her now when I have the chance. Tomorrow she’ll be back at Princeton and I’ll be too busy trying not to fail my classes to drive and see her. “Do you think she’ll let me in?”
“Tough call. Depends if she finally got laid,” Lo says.
I give him a hard glare and he holds up his hands in peace. I’m proud that my sister hasn’t given up her V card to just anyone.
Quickly, I brush my hair, grab my coat and leave Lo in the kitchen where he starts fixing himself a mild afternoon drink. On the way to Villanova I try to formulate a speech, but by the time I get to the house, everything flutters away.