I was astonished. ‘No, Kate. You tell him no.’
What the hell did he want with me? He’d once been my father-in-law – he’d been pleasant, certainly, but it’s not as if we’d been close. Even when things were good with Luke, Mr Costello and I had lived on different continents.
And after Luke had left, shame had stopped me from keeping up with the Costellos.
‘Oh, yeah.’ Kate fished something from her bag. ‘Do you need anything from Zara? I’ve a credit note.’
‘How come?’
‘I lent Kallie fifty euro. She repaid me with this credit note, it’s for sixty-seven euro. But I can’t afford to buy clothes right now.’
I put out my hand. ‘Can I see?’
I looked up the item code on the credit note and discovered it was the dress Kallie had worn to the restaurant last night. Trying to make sense of things, I concluded she’d bought it, worn it, returned it and for some reason – maybe because it was obvious she’d worn it? – they wouldn’t give her a cash refund.
So … Kallie was short of money? She’d wanted a new dress and she’d scammed Zara? It was hard to summon any real outrage about that, but to fob Kate off when she really needed cash – that wasn’t cool.
‘I was looking at a shirt in Zara, I’ll buy this off you,’ I said.
‘You will?’ Her face lit with relief. ‘Thanks, Rachel!’
Just before bedtime, my phone rang – Luke.
‘It’s my dad’s birthday on Saturday,’ he said. ‘Sarina is doing a thing in the house – pizzas, cake. Around twenty, twenty-five people. Dad would like you to come. Quin too.’
‘But … why?’
‘To tie up loose ends, he says. You were part of his family, then you weren’t.’ Defensively, he said, ‘That’s what he’s told me. Make whatever you want of it.’
‘It’s only been two weeks since your mum died.’
Sounding weary, Luke said, ‘Yeah. He’s gone a bit … Look, we’re all slightly insane right now. He’s adamant he wants this, says it might be his last-ever birthday … A dab hand at emotional blackmail.’
Go.
No.
Go!
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted. All these long-buried feelings and memories breaking the surface was exhausting.
‘I’d find it very hard, walking into a house filled with your family. It would be …’ I blurted, ‘After everything, I’d find it humiliating.’
A pause. A sharp intake of breath. ‘If it’s any help, they all blame me. Everyone’s still very fond of you.’
WhatShouldIDo? WhatShouldIDo? ‘Do you want me there?’
‘It would make my life easier. I’d appreciate it, he’s driving me up the wall with this.’
‘Would Kallie mind?’
He paused for slightly too long. ‘Why would Kallie mind?’
Grand, be like that.
‘I’ll have a think. I’ll let you know.’
41
As soon as I hung up, I was flooded with memories. Of an evening, more than seven years ago, when Luke came in from work.
‘Guess what!’ I called.
‘What?’ His face flashed white with anxiety.
‘No, Ridey-Man, it’s good. Guess. Fucking. What!’
His eyes widened, then he crossed the room and took my hands in his. ‘Are you …？’ He swallowed hard. ‘Really?’
‘I’ve done four tests, they were all positive!’
‘Babe! This is … Are you sure? How do you know?’ He pulled his hands from mine, shaping them around my body. ‘Should you be … standing? Sit down, sit down, you need to sit.’
Just for the novelty, I let him steer me to the couch. I was a pregnant woman and my husband wanted me to sit!
‘Wow,’ he said. ‘It’s hard to believe it’s finally …’
It had taken a lot longer than envisioned when we’d been starting out. When we’d first gone to see Dr Solomon, I’d naively imagined we’d be parents by the age of thirty-four. But between studying, qualifying, then working two jobs each to pay back student loans, we discovered that somehow we were thirty-six.
The next logical step was to buy an apartment. I wasn’t so bothered but Luke said, ‘I don’t want to be still living in a tiny one-bed rental in the Lower East Side at the age of fifty.’ Engaging with the purveyors of New York real estate was a bruising experience and when we eventually bagged ourselves a two-bed in a brownstone in Boerum Hill, we were thirty-seven. （Also, exhausted and with our faith in human nature somewhat diminished.）