‘In what way?’
Tentatively, I sought the right words, trying to assemble my precise emotions. ‘I feel this mad relief that Luke didn’t blame me for Yara. Except I’m also incredibly sad.’
‘No doubt about it, this is big stuff. But it’s already happened and you’ve survived. Your feelings just need to catch up with the facts.’ Then, ‘Listen to me now. Two important things, Rachel. Make your amends to Luke. And keep Quin in the picture every step of the way.’
‘Okay.’ I froze with unexpected fear: what if Luke had already returned to Denver?
As soon as I left Nola, I texted him. You still in Ireland?
He replied instantly. Can you take a call rn?
Yes.
My phone buzzed in my hand. ‘Luke?’ I answered.
‘Hey,’ he said. A pause. ‘I’m still here.’
Intense relief swept over me. ‘Do you think … Could you meet me? Can we talk?’
‘… Sure. Now?’
‘I can’t tonight, I’m sorry. How’s tomorrow?’
‘Any time after two is good. Devin’s spending the afternoon with Dad, I’ll be on the doss.’
‘I can finish work at about five thirty.’ Since the clocks had gone forward, the evenings were suddenly a lot brighter. ‘Can you come to Wicklow? We’ll go to Morrigan’s, she’s open till sevenish.’
‘Morrigan’s?’
‘A café near my house. It’s beside a little river. A secret only locals know about. I’ll drop you a pin. I can be with you about ten to six, or as close as possible.’
Then I rang Claire. ‘I’m leaving Nola’s now. See you at my house in forty minutes.’
‘It wasn’t sexy fun.’ Claire couldn’t meet my eye. ‘It was nothing like a fantasy. Everything was too real. Look, are you able to hear this?’
‘Totally.’ It was easier to join in with Claire’s soul-searching than do my own. ‘Why don’t you hold Crunchie? She’s very comforting.’
‘I’m disappointed in myself.’ Claire ignored my offer of my dog. ‘I thought I was more evolved than this. I was actually jealous. Of Adam … liking …’ She cleared her throat. ‘Liking other people.’
‘But that isn’t … abnormal.’
‘Seeing him with another person … with two other persons –’ She stopped. Then, ‘Okay. I have something to tell you. We were all getting along … grand. Everyone having a good time. Thennnnnn, it sort of became clear that Piet was more into Adam than he was into me. And … Beatriz was more into Adam than she was into me. I don’t exactly know what went on, it just went strange and I was … left out.’ She swallowed convulsively, trying to not cry.
‘But that’s terrible, Claire. That’s not meant to happen, it’s meant to be equal, surely! Or at least with your agreement?’
‘Rachel, I’m mortified. The four of us were supposed to discuss it afterwards, to check that we felt safe and seen and all that blah but I left early. I took the car keys. Adam was still asleep. He arrived home five hours later, in a taxi.’
‘And … how was he about the whole thing?’
‘Adam? Oh, Adam had a great time. Adam wants to do it again.’
It was after eleven when Claire left. I rang Quin, but his phone was switched off and there was no point leaving a message.
It was time to go to sleep but I was afraid of lying in the dark, my messed-up head churning. In a last-ditch attempt to calm myself, I tried a quick fifteen minutes of meditation. Crunchie joined in but it didn’t work for either of us. My upheaval was too huge. And Crunchie? Well, Crunchie, though well intentioned, was only a dog.
75
‘Six weeks ago, I thought ye were all stone mad.’ Wobbling slightly, Trassa was up on a kitchen chair, looking down on a roomful of smiling faces. ‘I’d only come in so my son would pay off my debts. But thanks to Rachel there, and all of ye in my group, I know now that I’m addicted to gambling.’
Amused and scornful, Lowry squinted up at her.
‘It broke my heart, so it did, seeing that I had to stop. But it had made a prisoner of me. And now, finally, at the age of sixty-eight, I’m free.’
Whoops and cheers greeted this.
‘I’ve plenty of work to do on myself and a lot of trust to win back from my family, it won’t be easy, but, one day at a time, I’ll do it. Now let’s see if I can get down off this chair without making a show of myself. Chalkie! Dennis!’