Again, he shook his head. ‘You’ve got to play them as they lay.’
After several long moments of silence, Luke asked, ‘How are you now? Right now?’
‘Still in shock, I think. I swear to God, during all this time, I never thought I’d been in the wrong. Before your mum’s funeral, my life was good. Now it’s been upended, you know? It’s confusing to feel heartbroken about a time that I’ve already got over.’
He nodded.
‘It will all sort itself out, though,’ I said. ‘And worse things happen to people. Far worse. Like, I’ll never stop being sad about Yara but I can live with it now. How about you?’
‘Same. I’m not angry with you now – knowing that your version of reality matches mine, that’s a big help. Even though we didn’t get to know Yara, I’m still so thankful for her.’
‘Oh God, me too.’ My voice became watery. ‘I’d never change that.’
‘And I’ll always be glad that you and I were together.’ His voice was husky. ‘You were the love of my life.’
My breath caught in my chest. ‘And you were mine.’
‘But we’ve still got plenty of our lives to go. Still young. Ish.’ With a dazzler of a smile, he said, ‘There will be other loves of our lives.’
I nodded, impressed by his – our – wisdom, our mature perspective.
‘Rachel?’ His tone changed. ‘What made you stop? Taking the pills?’
‘I know this might sound insane but I think Yara …’ I shrugged, almost embarrassed. ‘I think she wanted me to. There was one morning, about two months after you’d gone. I saw a rainbow. It was more than that, it was almost as if a rainbow came into our apartment – the colours were on our bedroom floor. Remember at your Dad’s party I told you that I’ve always thought that rainbows were messages from Yara –’
‘I remember.’ He seemed sad. ‘But have you forgotten that we’d talked about her, about rainbows, about a week before I – before I … left? I’d been seeing them, I was sure they were signs, messages, whatever you want to call them. You and I were having a … conversation about your pills, when a rainbow popped up outside our kitchen window. I told you my theory, you liked it and said you were definitely stopping. I was convinced you’d be okay, we’d be okay. But then you –’
– kept on taking the tablets. I remembered, then facepalmed with regret.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘It’s okay. Stop. Please.’
The sun was low in the sky, the warmth of the day had abruptly vanished. I rubbed my chilly arms, wishing I’d worn more than a T-shirt and jeans.
‘You know your mum invited me to her surprise party?’ Luke said. ‘So? See you there?’
‘Aaaahhh, I’d been thinking of giving it a miss …’
‘What? Why?’
‘The idea of all my aunties laughing at me because you did a runner –’
‘Hey, look, I won’t come.’
I thought about it. ‘You can come. It’s okay, I don’t feel as … humiliated. You had to leave me – not that I’ll be explaining that to Auntie Imelda.’
‘I’m not going if you won’t be there. You and Quin.’
‘Grand.’ Surely Quin and I would be okay again by then? ‘We’ll be there.’
Morrigan’s was closing up. ‘Time to leave,’ I said.
Luke grabbed his jacket and we stood. ‘I came on the bike,’ he said. ‘It’s out on the road.’
‘I walked here.’
As we made our way back out through the trees, he asked, ‘What you up to this evening?’
‘Committee meeting for Mum’s party. Last one before the big night. Hey. Luke. Can I ask you something?’ I said. ‘When Joey rang to tell me about your mum, did he do it off his own bat or –’
‘I asked him.’
‘Why was that?’
He stared into the middle distance. ‘Because even at my most angry, I never stopped wanting you to be okay.’ He went quiet. ‘I’m going to tell you something now and you might be … This is creepy. Stalkery. But I asked Joey to keep an eye on you.’
‘“Keep an eye”？’
‘Yeah. Look. I needed to know you were okay. Still alive, mostly. Not small details, I’m not that bad. But the big things like you moving back to Ireland. Getting a job in the Cloisters – from that I figured out you were clean again.’