A snarl of emotions seized me – humiliation, deep interest, offence and, again, interest. So he’d still cared?
‘How did Joey do this?’
‘Instagram, mostly.’
Well, he’d have had a job of it. For a couple of years after Luke had left, I’d barely posted anything. Even now, about 90 per cent of my content was Crunchie being adorable.
‘Why did you do that?’ I asked.
‘Because I loved you. That didn’t stop straight away.’ After a hesitation, he said, ‘I knew about Quin.’ His look was mischievous. ‘Now that was hard. What? I wasn’t macho enough for you?’
‘You’re a fine one to talk. You and your Kallie.’
‘Yeah, look at us.’ He smiled. ‘We survived. We rebuilt our lives. After what we’d lost, we should be proud. Thankful, anyway.’
We reached his bike and stopped walking.
‘I go up that way.’ I pointed to a turn off the road. ‘There’s a shortcut through the fields. Luke, do you think we could try being friends? Even if it’s just to talk once a year on her anniversary?’
‘Sure. Absolutely. We could give it a go.’
I remembered another question I wanted the answer to. ‘Luke, the other night, whenever it was – Thursday? – at my house. Why did you say you’d come in, then leave immediately? What did I miss?’
‘I didn’t say I’d come in, I said I’d like to.’
What?
‘You can figure it out, Rachel.’
Could I? I ran the sentence through my head again.
Oh. Seriously?
I could hardly speak. ‘But –’
‘My mother died less than a month ago. The past, the present, it’s all mixed up in my head. I’m a mess, babe.’ He stopped, mortified. ‘Old habits. Sorry for calling you …’
‘Babe.’ The one word brought back a multitude.
‘That.’ He took a breath. ‘Rachel, you need to know that even though I was very angry when I left New York, it soon changed to guilt. And, God, I missed you.’
‘Luke …’
Out of nowhere, the air felt thick.
I blinked, trying to break the tension.
His eyes were fixed on mine. Shimmering between us was the irresistible attraction we’d once shared, powerful and familiar.
I didn’t want this, it was dangerous. But all of my old responses were activated.
Startling me, he slid his hand around my waist, his index finger under my T-shirt, on the bare skin above my jeans. In one fluid movement our bodies were touching.
Overwhelmed by the intensity of my sudden longing for him, I watched his face, looking for clues on what to do. To my disbelief, I felt him begin to unfurl, then harden against me. Holding my gaze, he knew that I knew. Almost suffocating from such intimacy, I stopped breathing.
‘Fuck!’ He stepped back and spun away from me. ‘Rachel, I’m sorry. I forgot, I –’
Dazed, discarded, I managed, ‘… It’s okay.’
I was breathing again, and the oxygen wasn’t coming fast enough, I had to fight the urge to pant.
‘Just for a moment there’ – he was able to look at me now – ‘I was confused.’ With an awkward laugh, he said, ‘I could never behave myself around you. And with Kallie not here …’
What … did that mean?
That because Kallie wasn’t there to put out, anyone would do? Even someone as repellent as his junkie ex-wife?
I went cold. ‘I’m leaving now.’
He seemed wrong-footed. ‘Uh. Sure, yeah. Take care –’
Fucker.
Sleazy fucker.
I walked fast through the field, trying to put distance between me and that creep.
My God, he’d changed. He’d once been a good man but now he was –
‘Rachel!’
I turned. In the encroaching night, his outline advanced.
‘What?’ My tone was sharp.
‘I’m sorry.’ He was short of breath. ‘I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. Like I was saying that if Kallie isn’t here to … deal with me, I’m a liability who’d ride anything.’
I was still waiting for an explanation.
‘Being in Ireland,’ he said, ‘seeing you, it feels like no time has passed. I’m a state. Kallie kept me anchored to the life I have now. But since she’s gone back I’m … I’ve so many emotions, mostly from the past but it’s like they’ve just happened. I don’t know which end is up and I shouldn’t have touched you … I’m very sorry.’