‘Guys.’ Now Kallie was tearful. ‘You don’t know how many times I almost gave up. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to keep my dream alive. A lot, a lot.’
And you know what, I had to hand it to her. She’d done what she’d needed to do to live her life while continuing to keep faith in herself and her talent.
Okay, trying to swizz Kate out of money was fairly shoddy stuff. And if she was with Luke, I was horribly jealous of her. Despite all of this, I admired her determination.
There was also a strange relief. Although life didn’t tend to dispense consolation prizes, my guilt about sleeping with Luke had been assuaged by Kallie’s good fortune. She deserved a break.
She was still talking away, exhorting us to hold fast to our own dreams. ‘Never, ever, ever give up.’
But not every dream comes true.
Many times it was better to walk away. Often a person was better off letting go of an unachievable goal than wasting their life.
‘Listen to her.’ Claire was so scornful. ‘Like she’s won the Nobel Prize for Taylor Swift Impersonators. Anyway! That was her big news. Not getting married or whatever to Luke.’
But Luke was still moving house. Probably – okay, well possibly – in with Kallie. And I was so worn down from the torment of not-knowing that maybe I didn’t mind any longer?
Was I sensing a change in me, some sort of progress? Perhaps I really was letting go of him? Perhaps being forced to let go?
‘Thanks, Claire, we’ll talk tomorrow.’
‘Oh. Okay.’ She sounded deflated that I hadn’t been more excited.
I expected that there wasn’t a hope of getting back to sleep but when my phone rang again, I was once more fathoms down. Fighting my way to consciousness I was thinking that if this was Claire with some more fecking news about Kallie, I’d – Oh! It wasn’t Claire, it was Helen.
It was thirteen minutes past one – a funny time to be checking in on me.
‘Howya,’ she said. ‘Look. Something’s … I don’t know, but I’m bleeding.’
Horror-struck, I sat up. ‘Where’s Artie?’
‘Geneva. That’s why I’m ringing you.’
‘Is it heavy?’ I was out of bed, pulling sweats from a drawer, grabbing my keys and looking for my phone before I realized it was in my hand. ‘Do you need an ambulance?’
‘I …’ Suddenly she sounded terrified. ‘Rachel, I don’t know.’
‘Are you haemorrhaging?’
‘No. It’s like the start of a period. Not heavy. But it’s there.’
‘Okay. I’m coming to get you.’ Would an ambulance be better? I had no clue. But the only person I trusted to do this was me. ‘Be dressed, be ready to leave. I’ll be with you in twenty minutes.’
Lit by a streetlamp, she was outside her home, looking pale and scared. I put her in the passenger seat and then drove to the hospital. Trying to be gentle, I hustled her inside.
‘She’s sixteen weeks!’ I told the receptionist. ‘She’s bleeding.’
It was hard to not scream, See her now. Right away! Make this terrible thing stop!
Gratifyingly quickly, Helen was whisked off for a scan. Then my relief collapsed into horror – what if the baby’s heartbeat had stopped?
Immediately, I wanted Luke.
Breathing in for four and out for seven, I talked to Yara, begging her to make this be okay. In for four, out for seven. Telling myself that Helen would be fine. In for four, out for seven, in for four, out for seven. On and on and on.
It had been ages now, over an hour, was that a good thing? A terrible thing? In for four, out for seven. In for four, out for seven.
And here came a nurse. I leapt up.
‘She’s fine, baby’s fine. It was just spotting. It’s frightening, but it happens. She spoke to her partner, reassured him. We’ll keep her in overnight, just to be on the safe side, but she can go home in the morning.’
‘Can I stay with her?’
‘She needs to rest.’
I blurted, ‘Were there two heartbeats on the monitor?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘… Yes.’ Politely, ‘You need to leave now.’
No. I needed to keep watch. It was where I’d gone wrong with Yara.
You’re insane, I told myself.
I can’t help it, I replied.
Outside in the night, I got into my car, but it was impossible to leave. Not yet anyway. So I breathed in for four seconds and out for seven seconds, then I did it again, then again, and the moments ticked by, one by one by one.