We were still locked in an endless eye-meet. My face felt hot and the right words wouldn’t come.
‘You’re going to say you’re a big girl and your stuff is your responsibility and all that, but …’
‘It’s true, though,’ I managed.
‘You don’t have to be brave. Not to protect me.’
‘I –’ There were too many emotions lurching around in me, just one big mess.
‘Tell me you hate me,’ she urged.
‘But I don’t. Like, of course I don’t. My ship sailed a long time ago. You have to do your thing – I couldn’t bear it if you didn’t because of me.’
‘Should you eat your brownie? Would the sugar help?’
‘I thought you didn’t want kids.’
‘I didn’t. Then suddenly I did. I thought there was something wrong with me so I went to the doctor. I thought she could give me tablets to make it stop. But she said I was “broody”。 Broody!’ she exclaimed. ‘Me! I was impressed by her nerve. Listen, should I have got you a giant scone?’ She scraped back her chair. ‘I’ll get you one now.’
‘Sit down, you eejit. So … ah … where are you at, in the process?’
‘Riding for Ireland.’
‘Lovely … or is it?’ My experience was that having sex according to a timetable took a lot of the enjoyment from it.
‘We’ve only just started, so it’s okay right now. On Friday morning I had an exploratory thing done, you know, a procedure, that’s why I couldn’t go to the funeral. The doc said that even though I’m nearly forty, I’ve a good few eggs left. So it might work. If it doesn’t we’ll have to “explore other options”。 IVF maybe.’
‘The best of luck, Helen, and I really mean it. I hope it works.’
‘Really? So we’re good? You and me?’
‘Totally.’
‘Thanks.’ Then, ‘Hey! What’s this about Kate and Luke’s nephew? I met them this morning –’
‘Both of them?’
‘She was on surveillance and he was “just hangin’”。’ I’m no judge but they seemed …’ She paused and considered the word. ‘… keen. Yeah. Very keen on each other. What if they, like, get married and you have to see Costello at the wedding?’
‘Ah, Helen. Let’s not jump any guns here.’
‘Okay. Anyway, why would you care? You like Dr Spork, he’s a good boyfriend.’
‘He’s a great boyfriend.’
‘Even if he does own a spork. And you’re sure you’re okay with my baby thing?’
‘Absolutely. Don’t give it another thought.’
‘Right. Just one thing. The word “trying”？’
‘Shovel List?’
‘Very high on it. Never say it. I’ll head off, so.’
19
I watched Helen drive away, then my face was free to show how I really felt. Which was sad, very, very sad.
But you’ll be okay. You’ll absolutely be okay.
God, though, everything was happening at once – crossing paths with Luke again, Kate falling for Devin and now this. If you believed in planets and patterns you’d be sure something big was going on – juxtapositions and whatnot.
Even already, though, my spirits had lifted a little: if Helen and Artie wanted a baby, I’d love it. Two contradictory feelings could exist at once – hope for Helen and sadness for me.
A sudden yearning for Quin kicked in but tonight he was on a conference call, in the thick of his New Mexico project.
It was almost a surprise how strongly I felt because until recently our relationship had been like an incomplete patchwork blanket – lots of different positives which, taken all together, didn’t quite create a whole. Still, it had worked. But something extra had been flung into the mix, and all the separate parts that hadn’t quite added up to the genuine article suddenly did.
This change could be traced back a couple of months to one of those unexpectedly meaningful conversations that people accidentally wander into.
Quin had once again referenced the Jo Burger’s cheesy fries thing and instead of me laughing it off, I said, ‘I wish I’d never said that.’
‘You said it because you meant it.’
‘But I was in a different place then. When we met, it was hard to trust you. You were quite open about, you know, your tendency to be a player. If I’d met you, say, ten years ago, I’d have steered so clear.’ Suddenly I understood something. ‘Even now, I know you care about me but …’