“Do you think he’d have forgiven us for this?” I ask.
“Do you think he deserves an apology after what he did to you?” Joe counters, lighting up his cigarette. He is trying to be bold, but I can see the slight shake in his fingers. He is not completely okay with what just happened.
I consider his question. “I don’t know.”
“That’s the thing, Ev. I’m not sure you are burdened with the same expectations and responsibilities an ordinary fiancée must go through.”
Instead of answering, I try to envision Dom walking in on us doing what we just did. It doesn’t end well in any scenario.
“What are you thinking?” Joe asks.
“I’m going to buy a one-way ticket to San Francisco,” I hear myself say. Suddenly, it seems like the best idea I’ve had in years. “Yeah. I think it’s time.”
“You’re leaving?” He sits upright, braced on his elbows, staring at me with thunder in his eyes.
“I have nothing here,” I say helplessly, sitting up too.
It’s only after the words have left my mouth that I realize how wrong they sound. Like Joe is nothing. Like he is not worthy of my time, and compassion, and friendship. And that’s not all. He explicitly asked me a few minutes ago not to play with his heart, and I did just that. I coaxed him into sex, and now I’m leaving. I’m a terrible person. Double-terrible. Triple-terrible. The worst there is.
Joe stands up and walks into his room. He slams the door shut.
“Joe!” I call out. “Oh, come on!”
There is no answer.
It’s my cue to leave.
I collect my things and get the elevator down, sweeping a hand over my face. The diamond on the engagement ring scratches my cheek. I bleed.
TWENTY-TWO
Every city has its best angle. For San Francisco, it’s the eagle eye.
It looks beautiful from above. The ocean. The Golden Gate Bridge. The house-filled hills. The thick cloak of fog that blankets every part of it. I can understand why Mom was so fascinated with it when she was alive.
The captain announces that we will be landing in ten minutes. Loki meows in his carrier in response, fed up with sitting in the small enclosed space. He hasn’t been a happy camper during the flight. No surprises here.
I shove another snack into his carrier numbly. “Sit tight. We’ll be home in a few minutes, bud.”
A part of me is frightened of what I’m going to find when I finally get home. I’ve been away for over half a decade. Dad and Renn said they had something to tell me. That was months ago. Whatever it was, I guess they didn’t want to broach the subject when they were in Salem, which means I’m supposed to be upset about it.
Then there’s another part of me. The part that is proud of myself for finally taking this step and going home. I know Mom would want me to do this. And I know that Nora is relieved, even if she’d never admit it. My roommate said she will keep the lease on the apartment until I decide what to do with my life, but I’ll bet both my kidneys that after she and Colt dropped me at the airport （six hours after I’d exited Joe’s door）， she was already starting to pack her stuff to move into her fiancé’s apartment.
Dad and Renn wait for me at the airport. They’re holding balloons and a WALLCOME HOME sign to purposely embarrass me. They draw giggles from other people in the waiting area. I wheel my suitcase and my cat past them, pretending I don’t know them. Renn jogs my way and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “You guys, this is my sister. My flesh and blood! We are blood related and everything!” he announces to the entire terminal.
He is about four heads taller than me, and I’m just noticing that.
“You know how deeply offended I am by bad grammar.” I push him away, hiding my smile, still deeply ashamed that it took a full-blown tragedy to make me come back here.
“All right, I guess the sign was too much. But you have to admit it was funny,” Renn cackles. I turn around and hug him, suddenly feeling very exhausted and very happy to be back. California is my home.
Dad pats my shoulder in a friendly manner. He is much more reserved than Renn. He is still guarding his heart, unsure of how this whole thing is going to pan out. Renn pries Loki’s carrier from my fingers. He peers inside. “Hey there, furball. How are you with mice? No free meals in the Lawson household.”
I can only imagine the go fuck yourself look Loki is currently awarding my brother.
“It’s good to have you back,” Dad says quietly.