It’s a drawing of me. Or rather, it’s a handmade birthday card, similar to the one Silas gave me this year. This one too, was no doubt drawn by him. It’s an image of a younger me sitting underneath the blossom tree, my ankles crossed and my face tipped up toward the sun, a happy smile on my face.
I open it hesitantly, my eyes widening at the date written on the top right corner. It’s a birthday card for last year, back when I’d just started dating Ryan.
Alanna, my ray of sunshine
It’s been over four years since you went missing, and I still come here every year on your birthday. No matter how much time passes, I can’t let go. I can’t give up hope that someday I’ll run into you somewhere, and you’ll explain to me why you disappeared without a word.
I keep dreaming that you and I grow old together, and the years we spent apart are one of those things we’ll tell our grandchildren about. The epic love story of their grandparents.
The more time passes, the more I wonder if maybe I’m wrong, and nothing happened to you at all. Maybe you just had enough of the life we lived. Maybe being with me was too hard. Maybe hope wasn’t enough to live on. Maybe that last argument we had made you realize that you can do better, and you left to create a better life for yourself than what I could’ve given you.
Who knows… maybe you’re out there, happy with someone else. If you are, I’ll wish you the best and quietly cheer you on. The only thing I’ve ever wanted for you was happiness, even if it isn’t with me.
I love you, Alanna. Even after all these years. I loved you long before I first uttered those words, and I’ll love you until I draw my last breath. I hope you’re out there somewhere, so I’ll get to tell you this in person someday: Happy birthday, Ray.
Ψ
The letter is signed with the ψ symbol, and hot tears stream down my cheeks. ψ is a person. It’s Silas. He’s the one I’ve been looking for.
I hate that I can’t remember anything about him, about us. I bite down on my lip and move to fill the hole I just dug, but just before I throw on some dirt, I see something else buried. Another bottle.
I pull that out too and continue to dig, unearthing a total of four bottles, including the one I’ve already opened. There seems to be one for every year since I woke up in the hospital, all of them containing a handmade birthday card.
It can’t be that I ran away because Silas stalked me. These bottles prove that he loved me more than anything, holding onto our relationship even as I went missing.
But if we were dating, then why do I remember us arguing? Why do I remember screaming at him to stay away from me? Was it just an argument, or was there more to it?
I draw my knees to my chest as tears flow down my face. I need to know the full truth, and no one but me can give me that.
Chapter Seventy-Seven
Alanna
I look up at the building I’ve come to consider home. It’s strange how quickly I felt at home with Silas when I’ve always felt so out of place everywhere else. Or maybe it isn’t strange at all. Maybe it was fate.
I’m a coward for coming home when I know he’s at work. I’m not even sure what I’m doing here, but I can’t stay away. I keep telling myself that I’m only here to pick up the few things I forgot to pack, but I can’t even convince myself of that. I can’t fight the urge to be near Silas, but I also can’t call him, not while my thoughts are still such a mess. I’m even more confused now than I was before. I wish I could see the full picture, but I’m not even holding all the pieces. Each time I feel like I’m making progress, I suddenly find myself back at the start.
I walk into the living room, my mind replaying the way Silas and I worked together, the way he kissed me on the sofa. My gaze shifts to the closed bedroom door and I take a hesitant step forward. My heart aches at the mere sight of the bed we used to share. He told me he’d never brought another woman here before, and I believe him. I truly believe this place was ours. Maybe it has been for longer than I even realized. My eyes drop to the note left on top of the bed, and I pick it up with a frown.
Alanna,
I’m sure that you’ll find your way back home sooner or later, whether it be for a few minutes or forever. I’m giving you all the space you asked for, but in return, please make sure you stay safe.
Please, baby, take one of the cars when you leave. The thought of you taking public transportation late at night worries me. I won’t ask more of you. I won’t ask you to call me, nor will I ask you to come back to work. I won’t ask anything of you that you’re not ready to give.