“She loved you,” James said.
The past tense made the knife in my chest twist again. But they were still somehow the exact words I needed to hear. Brooklyn did love me. And I’d always love her. I just nodded. Because there was nothing else to say.
Chapter 41
Wednesday
Matt
Felix gave me another hug before walking away from the gravesite. I didn’t know exactly when we’d become friends. But Brooklyn, me, Kennedy, and him always hung out. I was glad someone had gotten all his charges dropped. But I didn’t know how to hang out with him and Kennedy without Brooklyn. I didn’t know how to do anything without Brooklyn.
A few more people gave me hugs. And I waited until I was the last one standing by Brooklyn’s grave. Just me and her.
I watched the last black car drive off and then I sat down on top of the fresh dirt. “Hey,” I said into the silence. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. But I wasn’t ready to walk away from this spot just yet. All I could picture was Brooklyn being cold. And scared. And alone. I needed her to know that I was here.
“I love you.” I wouldn’t use the past tense with her. Not now. Not ever. “You know that right? How much I love you, baby?”
I wiped away the tears from my eyes. “You had to have known that.” I shook my head. “You were right about me though. I am a hypocrite. I deserved that.”
I stared down at the dirt. It was like I was waiting for her to say something back. I would have killed to hear her voice again. See her smile. Hear her laugh.
“I’m sorry that I let you down,” I said. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I wiped away the tears that were dripping down my chin.
How was I supposed to let her go? My whole heart was hers. She was the only person that I ever wanted to hold. She was it. She was everything. She’d always be everything to me.
I pulled her ring out of my pocket. I’d meant what I wrote in my vows. She was it for me. I pushed aside some of the dirt with my hands. And I put the ring down and scooped the dirt back into place. I wouldn’t be needing that ring for anyone else. It belonged here with her.
I knew our last words to each other were harsh. But she didn’t stop loving me. I knew that. She loved me. And just because she was dead, it didn’t mean that love just disappeared. She was still all that I thought about. I still woke up reaching out for her. I still turned around expecting her to be there. How was I supposed to ever let go of her? I wasn’t just in denial. I physically couldn’t do it.
I patted the dirt where the ring was. She was all the firsts I’d ever experience. I wouldn’t marry someone that wasn’t her. I wouldn’t have kids with someone else. I wouldn’t grow old with someone other than her. I would never be able to do it. She was gone. But I didn’t want to love anyone else. Ever.
I felt like she was so far away from me. I lay down on the dirt to be even closer to her. “I promised you forever. I meant it, baby.”
I closed my eyes and pretended she really was beside me. If I’d gotten just a few more moments with her, I’d tell her how much I loved her. How sorry I was. I closed my eyes tight. I couldn’t believe the last thing I said to her was that she was a liar. She wasn’t the liar. I was. I’d promised myself I’d make her an Untouchable. And I’d failed.
“Matt?”
I opened my eyes. Kennedy was standing at the foot of Brooklyn’s grave. The sun was starting to set behind her. I must have fallen asleep. I sat up and brushed the dirt off the side of my face. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Same as you, I think.” She patted Jim’s tombstone. “Hi, Uncle Jim,” she said, and then sat down beside me. “I needed to talk to her.”
I nodded. The only concession I’d gotten from Mr. Pruitt was that Brooklyn be buried next to her uncle. She wouldn’t have wanted to be in some gaudy Pruitt mausoleum. She belonged here. With someone that loved her. I cleared my throat. “Do you want me to give you a second?”
“No, not really.” Tears started streaming down her cheeks. “Matt, I messed up. The last thing I ever said to her was that I couldn’t even look at her. I told her that her life was like a fairytale. A freaking fairytale? No one I know has ever experienced as much pain as she had. Her life wasn’t a fairytale. She thought I hated her. That I thought she was a bad friend.”
“She knew you didn’t mean it.”
“But I still said it. And I ignored all her calls and texts. She died thinking that I hated her. And I can’t stop crying.”