That was a dismissal. He didn’t have to say the words. I knew when I wasn’t wanted. I slowly stood up. I grabbed my pajamas off his nightstand and pulled them to my chest. My mom’s perfume wafted around me. Was this how my mom felt when she walked away from my dad? Like her heart was in a million little pieces?
Matt ran his hand through his perfect golden hair. For just a few minutes, I’d been the one to do that for him.
I clutched the pajamas closer to my chest. My mom had walked away to protect me. But walking away from Matt? That wasn’t protecting anyone. It was killing me. Was it killing him too? I stood there for another moment, hoping he’d turn around. But he didn’t.
And just like that, I was invisible again. Staring at him from a distance. Wanting him desperately, but knowing I could never have him.
“I’m so sorry, Matt. I should have heard you out right away. I was just so…angry with you. I thought you were keeping what happened with Rachel a secret in part because you didn’t want to tell me the truth. And I didn’t understand why you didn’t trust me with what Isabella had on you. I didn’t understand why you kept me in the dark. I would have believed you if you’d been upfront about it. And I would have kept your secret.” I instantly regretted the last thing I said.
“Yeah, you’re good at secrets, Brooklyn.”
Ouch. I bit the inside of my lip. It hurt because he was right. “I was never trying to hurt you. I was just trying not to…drown.”
He didn’t respond. He just shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at the ground.
I didn’t want to leave his bedroom. I didn’t want to have to leave with Miller. It all felt wrong. But what was I supposed to do? Beg him to let me stay? “Matt?”
He didn’t look up.
What was I doing? I wasn’t going to beg him. He’d dismissed me. I would have done the same. Just thinking about him kissing someone else made my chest ache. I held the pajamas closer to my chest as if it would prevent my heart from breaking any more. There was nothing else to say. I’d lost my mom and my uncle. And it made me feel abandoned and alone. And I’d just held on to anyone and anything that offered me comfort. Matt didn’t understand what it was like to lose everything. Yes, he’d lost his aunt, but it wasn’t the same. And even though it wasn’t an excuse for my behavior, it had still happened. I couldn’t undo it. I couldn’t rewind time, even though I desperately wanted to. I’d just lost the best thing I’d ever had. And I was so fucking sorry.
Part of me wanted to close the distance between us and hug him. But he looked so un-inviting. He didn’t want me anymore. And I had no one to blame but myself. It felt like I didn’t know how to do anything right anymore. He was all I wanted. Why had I messed it up? Why? I walked past him before I broke. He didn’t stop me. It stung worse than him removing his hand from mine.
I opened the door, but he reached out and slammed it shut. His body was pressed to my back, caging me in.
“No more running,” he said, his breath hot on the back of my neck. “For once, you’re going to stay. We’re going to fight. And then we’ll make up.”
“Matt…”
He kissed the side of my neck and I lost the ability to speak. His lips felt so much freaking better than the tears falling down my cheeks. He slid the ring back on my finger as he kissed my neck again and more tears fell.
I thought he was kicking me out. But he wanted me to stay? I tried to turn around but he pulled me against him.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” I said.
“Too bad.” He lightly nipped my earlobe. “Because I’m furious with you.”
“Matt, I’m sorry, I…”
“Tell me,” he said, cutting me off. “Did he touch you here?” His fingers slid beneath my shirt, skimming the top of my underwear.
I swallowed hard. “No.”
“What about here?” His fingers slid beneath the lacy material.
“No.” My head rolled back on his shoulder. This didn’t feel like a fight. It felt like we were already making up.
“Did you want him? To touch you there?”
“Never.”
“Brooklyn.” His voice cracked.
I closed my eyes. We definitely hadn’t skipped the fight. Or else he wouldn’t have sounded so sad. “He didn’t touch me like this,” I said. “And I didn’t want him to.”
“Then why did you sleep in his bed?”