I’d made “Fever” Mom’s ring tone because the song was about getting the flu from being too close to someone. I thought it was a good choice because she holds me tight and kisses me all the time and she’s always blowing her nose on me and it makes me sick and gives me fever—but now I wasn’t sure it was the right ring tone after all. I didn’t want to have a sexy ring tone for Mom on my cellphone! Lou and Ken were still singing along. Grandma’s head was bobbing. Lou was dancing in a sexy way. He was moving his shoulders around and around like wheels. Ken was making sounds like mmmmm mmmmmm. Righteous, man! said Lou. I love that Mooshie has “Fever” for her ring. Who the hell is Mooshie? I thought. I said yeah. I smiled. I forced my lips to keep smiling.
Believe it or not we ended up getting to Ken’s house alive. There was a woman in it making sandwiches for us. Ken told us she was his lady friend. Her name was Jude. She didn’t live in the same house as Ken. She would show us her house later. Ken was helping her do work on it.
Grandma hugged Jude for a long time and said she’d heard so much about her. Jude grabbed Grandma’s hand. Oh, what’s that called? said Jude. Swiv? said Grandma. Lady Balls, I said. Oh, I love it! said Jude. Jude hugged me too. She said she adored my jean jacket and was so excited that Grandma and I were there visiting. What’s written on your jeans? she asked me. Freewheelin’， I told her. I said it quietly. Oh, yeah! she said. She liked that. She told Ken to look at it. She said, Look at this, hon! Ken came over and crouched down and looked at my jeans and smiled and nodded. That’s awesome, he said. That’s really good. He stood up and said freeeeeeeeeee wheelin’！ as he walked back to the kitchen. He asked us if we wanted a beer. Then Jude held my hand and looked at me and said I had eyes like Ken! Does he have Nike swooshes? I asked. She peered closer at my face. He does! she said. You both do! I love it! Don’t you love genetics? I nodded.
Ken showed me and Grandma the room we’d sleep in. It had a bathroom attached to it! There was a large painting of a Chinese man. That’s whatshisname, said Grandma. She pointed at the painting. Mao, said Ken. Grandma said, What? Ken said Mao. Grandma kept saying What? Finally Ken and I shouted Mao! Grandma, it’s Mao! I said. Whoever he is. Okaaaaay, I hear you! said Grandma. Fun and games! Ken thought that was funny in relation to Mao. Ken told me that Grandma was always hard of hearing, even when he was a kid.
Lou became more quiet when we ate lunch. He was suffering. That’s what Grandma said. That’s why we came to California. Ken asked him questions. Int that right, Lou? he’d say. He didn’t want Lou to suffer. Grandma sat beside Lou on one side of the table. She put her arm around his shoulder. He smiled at her. He said, I missed you, Auntie Elvira. Grandma kissed him. She held his old face between her hands and kissed him. Lou put his arms around Grandma and then he put his head on her shoulder and they stayed like that until Ken said we could all go sailing later.
Then Lou let go of Grandma. He had a tear on his cheek. She kept her arm around his shoulders. Her cup was shaking when she lifted it up for a sip of coffee. You didn’t shake like that the last time I saw you, said Lou. I know! said Grandma. Isn’t it just ridiculous? Look! She tried holding her cup on the saucer in mid-air. The cup shook and slid all around the saucer. Get a load of that! said Grandma. She laughed. Watch out, Grandma! I said. Lou said he shook sometimes too. I hoped we wouldn’t watch him die in Fresno.
Grandma and Lou sat close together. Lou asked Grandma if she’d ever in all her life lost her faith. Grandma said, Oh! Uppy! That’s Lou’s nickname from when he was a baby and always wanted to be picked up. Of course I have! Yeah? said Lou. Wunt you tell us all about that?
She had a fight with God for ten years. That’s how you know she loves him. Grandma held Lou’s hand while she told us about her fight. She believes that God is love and that love is in each one of us even if we don’t believe in God. I’ve never felt forsaken, she said. But for about ten years she stopped praying. She had prayed and prayed that Grandpa would get healthy and be okay. He wasn’t. He only got worse and worse. So she stopped praying for that and started praying and praying that she’d have the strength to take care of him. Well, finally, she stopped praying altogether. When her friends and family from her town would ask her to pray for them she would be quiet and try to change the subject because she couldn’t pray anymore. But still! said Grandma. She didn’t feel forsaken. She’d never felt forsaken, even when she was sixteen and desperately sad and lonely and her mother had died and her brothers had put her far away in boarding school and stolen her inheritance. She knelt by her bed every night and prayed, Please God, don’t forsake me, please God, don’t forsake me. And she felt peace inside herself somewhere. She knew it was there, peace from God, she just didn’t know exactly where. Like her will and important papers. She knows they’re somewhere in the house, but where? She laughed, and Lou nodded, and Ken and Jude nodded, too. I wondered where the peace was. I wondered what forsaken meant.