I whipped back to Mom and Gord. Mom was in a bed properly now, except for waving her rosy parker around for everyone in the universe to feast their eyes on. Her legs were up in the air and she was still growling. Someone was pulling Gord out of her. Stand here, stand here, said a nurse. You really shouldn’t be here. Mom said, Stay! The nurse put a gown on me and tied a mask around my face. I stood by Mom’s leg. I didn’t know what to do. I put my hand on her knee. It was quivering. The nurse told Mom to breathe. Yeah, Mom! I said. You heard the lady! Breathe! Mom growled instead like she was planning to kill all of us as soon as she got Gord out of there. Breathing is the main thing in hospitals. That’s all they want you to do whether you’re young or old and even if it’s with a hose. Breathing and eating doughnuts. Mom was still growling. It was like she had two thoughts in her head. Have a baby. Kill people. I wondered if I should warn the nurses that they were dealing with a very difficult lady. But then, believe it or not, Gord slithered right out of Mom’s butt and voila!
P.S. I know it’s not her butt, okay? Don’t ever talk to me about those things.
A lot of things happened then. Just watch Call the Midwife if you have a TV and you’ll know what I mean. The nurses plunked Gord on top of Mom, which made her cry. I heard her thinking, Oh, fuck, this is Gord? But that wasn’t why she was crying. They were tears of happiness, which is the first time I’ve heard of this. But that’s Mom. She’s missing a brain now. She’s getting her emotions backwards. She grabbed me. I was face to face with Gord who was covered in blood and guts. Mom gripped us like we were the last two golden tickets in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nothing could stop Mom from squeezing us to death. Maybe with all that growling and crawling around she had become the kind of wild animal that kills its babies out of jealousy because they’re young and good-looking. My oxygen levels were low like Grandma’s. Breathe, Gord! Breathe! I said in my head while I was suffocating to death. King of the Castle is such a stupid thing, was my last thought.
But as you probably guessed by now, we lived. Mom said I should check on Grandma. She tried to put herself into Gord’s mouth. Gord screamed because who wouldn’t scream if suddenly someone was jamming a part of their body into you. Mom forced me into the bed with her and Gord. She wanted all three of us to lie there and take a selfie for Grandma. Gord was so short. It was hard to get us all in the frame. Okay, Flopsy, I said to Gord. Say cheese. I kissed Gord’s greasy head and Mom’s sweaty cheek. I slithered quietly off the bed. I had to go see how Grandma was.
I ran to the ICU and waited for an authorized person to go through the locked door so I could sneak in behind them. Grandma was there in her bed. Only two nurses were fiddling around her now. I looked at her chest. The young nurse saw me. Has Gord arrived? she said. Yes! I said. I shouted it. Grandma didn’t open her eyes. Congratulations! said the nurse. Grandma still didn’t open her eyes. The machines were so loud. Where was the angel from Lou? The nurse told me that Dr. De Sica had come to see Grandma, that he’d heard she was in the ICU. I smiled and nodded. Grandma would have been so happy to see him. Was she awake? I asked. No, unfortunately, said the nurse, she was sleeping. He left a note for her. The nurse asked me if I wanted to give Grandma an ice chip. She told me to hold it on Grandma’s tongue and let it melt there. The hose was still in her mouth. It was taped to her cheek. Her lips were chapped and there was still dried blood on the corner of her mouth because the hose was tearing it a bit. I held the ice chip on her tongue. Her tongue didn’t move even when I put the cold ice chip on it. In my head I heard her say Na oba! in her secret language. I said, Grandma, Gord is here. I put my phone with the photos right by her eyes. I scrolled so she could see all of them. But she didn’t open her eyes. The young nurse said, Honey, let’s let Grandma rest now. She said they were doing a shift change and I could come in the morning. She said it was late and wow, what a busy day, eh? I should sleep. I took a photo of Grandma for Mom and Gord.
I ran back to Mom and Gord, but they weren’t where I’d left them. They’d been moved to some other room that had a window. They were sleeping together in the bed even though Gord had a little plastic box to sleep in next to Mom. Gord was wearing a toque. I leaned over the bed with the picture of Grandma, but they didn’t open their eyes. Everybody was asleep and I didn’t know what to do. I sat in a chair beside Mom and Gord. Mom had told me I should use her phone to call people about Gord and Grandma. But where was her phone now? I wanted to call Lou and Ken. Gord’s here, man! Crazy, right? I remembered I had T’s contact info in my phone for Grandma. I texted him some pictures of me and Mom and Grandma and Gord. In between all his messages from the sexy hot tub girls in Hollywood he’d have a picture of Grandma connected to a hose. And a random Canadian family missing certain members.