Then I remembered something from Call the Midwife. I emptied everything that was in my backpack onto the chair. I took my jean jacket off and lined my backpack with it so it was soft and warm in there. I carefully, carefully, carefully put Gord into my backpack. Mom didn’t move or make a sound. Some parent! She was obviously lying to me when she said new mothers never sleep. Gord’s toque was poking out of the top of my backpack. I took it off and put it in my pocket and pulled the strings on my backpack a bit so there was still an air hole for Gord. I put my backpack on my front. Gord was heavier than I’d thought. Whoa! Props to Mom for hauling Gord around like this everywhere. Now I knew why she was so exhausted all the time. I took a big sheet off the shelf and put it over my backpack. I tied it around my neck. It drooped down to the floor. I looked like the pope. I heard a squeak. I jiggled my backpack a bit under the sheet. Me and Gord took off to the ICU. The lights in all the hallways were dim. There was hardly anybody around, just janitors and tired-looking people who were waiting for something or someone. Me and Gord waited for an authorized person to go through the ICU door. I stayed a long distance behind the person and pretended to be reading a sign on the wall about diarrhea and vomiting. But the authorized person didn’t go in! He was standing there talking with someone. Gord squeaked again. I ran into a different little room for bereaved people and whipped off the sheet. I stuck my finger into the top of my backpack and felt around for Gord’s mouth. I kept my hand there. It felt like Gord would suck my finger right off and choke on it. I could hear Mom yelling at me for killing Gord with my finger and not even caring that I was as a result missing a finger. I couldn’t get the sheet back over us. I ran back out and believe it or not was just in time to sneak in through the open ICU door.
We ran over to Grandma. There were no nurses standing around her this time. They were at their station writing things down. They didn’t see us. Grandma’s eyes were closed. The tube was gone. I pulled Gord out of the backpack. Grandma! I said. I gently put Gord down on Grandma’s bosom. Grandma! I said. This is Gord! Grandma opened her eyes. Gord! she said with her eyes. You have got to be kidding me! What a sight for sore eyes! Welcome to the land of the living! She slowly put her hand on Gord’s hairy back. Gord nestled in there. Grandma tried to grab me and this time I let her. Grandma! I said. Wake the blazes up! Gord is here! I was shouting right into her ear. Gord woke up and started squeaking. It sounded like, What the holy hell is happening, man. Gord’s head swivelled around. Grandma smiled. I couldn’t get out of her grip. She was trying to move her head down to get a closer look at Gord. She was trying to say something. Nothing came out. I held Gord up right in front of Grandma’s face. Grandma! I said. I’ve got a sister! I’ve got a sister!
Then there was an explosion by the nurses’ station. It was Mom. She had somehow got in through the ICU door—probably by slitting somebody’s throat—and she was yelling at the nurses to tell her where her motherfucking family was. Scorched earth, man. Unleash the hounds. After seeing her growling and crawling around on the floor and exposing her wazoo all over tarnation and shoving her knockers into people’s mouths like there was no tomorrow there was nothing that could embarrass me anymore. I waved at Mom all casual, like oh hey, hi, we’re just here by the pool having chocolatinis. I was trying to calm her down. I tried to say something but Grandma was suffocating me with her broken arm. I picked up Gord and held her in the air to show to Mom. Over here! I squeaked. I tried to make it sound like a baby saying it so Mom would laugh. Over here! Over here!
What the fuck! said Mom when she saw me waving Gord around. She’s not a puppet, Swiv! I mistakenly thought Mom would be in a good mood after having located her goddamn newborn! She shuffled over to us, all hunched over and fuming. She was holding her stomach. There were two gigantic wet splotches on the front of her hospital gown. They were growing right before my very eyes! Grandma made a sound. Was she laughing? Mom took Gord and began to sway. She calmed down. She went closer to Grandma. My jean jacket fell off Gord and she was naked. Mom hadn’t even had the common decency to put a diaper on her. Gord had some kind of tubing sticking out of the place where her belly button should have been. Grandma didn’t even notice. Her eyes were closed. Mom! I said. I pointed at Gord’s stomach. Oh, that’ll fall off, don’t worry, said Mom. I picked up my jean jacket and wrapped it around Gord again. Parts of her body are falling off. Turns out people have issues right from the very get-go. Gord’s face was red and splotchy like she’d been screaming for help inside Mom for the last nine months. Her hair was greasy but it was sticking out really well. I liked it. I’d never comb out her tangles. I would help her escape from Mom if Mom tried to comb them out. We all squeezed in next to Grandma on her skinny bed. Mom was holding on to all of us. Gord was pinned under Mom’s arm and I was pinned under Grandma’s arm except she didn’t know it.